What's your take on talking to old people about dying?

In My Humble Opinion
1

And I don’t mean in a mean way; “Hope you got your will filled out, Uncle John, because you’re going to kick off soon!” but in a normal, conversational way. Let’s face it, if you’re in your 70’s or 80’s, you’re measuring the rest of your life in years rather than decades (or months, even), and I imagine most old people know this. I think our North American society is very bad with dying; we treat it like something to just ignore and hope it will go away, instead of treating it like the normal part of life it is.

I think we could learn a lot from old people in this regard; I started thinking about this because an old guy I know mentioned in passing that he was ready to die, that he had done his stuff and his life was complete. That seemed like a really nice sentiment to me - to have that kind of peace. That is a much better idea than kicking and screaming against the inevitable. Now I wonder how other old people are looking at dying, but I don’t feel like I can just start up that conversation with them. Have you ever had a discussion about dying with a very old person? Have you ever wanted to, but felt it wasn’t polite conversation? If we have any old people on the boards, how would you feel about somebody having an honest conversation about dying with you?

2

I don’t bring it up, but if they do I chat about it openly and honestly. I leave it to them to steer the conversation. Dad chatted about it with me several times before he died - although I am not convinced he was at peace with it. He seemed sad to me. None-the-less, if he wanted to talk, I talked.

3

Paging KlondikeGeoff to the thread! KlondikeGeoff in IMHO, please! :o

I think questions about someone’s personal attitudes towards death are…well…personal. And like all personal questions, they should be approached gently and with respect, and a willingness to back off if the questionee seems uncomfortable or unwilling to share. But, yeah, I’m quite interested, and not unwilling to take the chance and ask.

4

Geezer reporting as requested, sir!

When I was young and old people talked about it, always found it very disturbing and embarassing. My response was something to the effect of, “Oh, you’re not even close to that, you’ve got years left.”

Now I realize that was silly, as while I’m pissed off at the idea of not being around any more, it not only is perfectly all right to discuss, but I often make jokes about it. Most people I know around my age (hey, there are not very many that are older, have no compunctions a’tall about discussing it.

I expect, however, that it is an individual thing, and some may not feel that way.

As featherlou noted, if one wants to discuss this with an older person, obviously refrain from the jokes at first. See what their attitude is, then ask respecful questions so they know you are really wanting to know about it.

I think attitudes have changed drastically from back when I was living with the dinosaurs. Then most people were considered old when in their 60s. Now, it is difficult to catagorize “old,” as posts in a recent thread showed.

I had a friend, when we were young, who always addressed his rather aged monther-in-law as “You old bat.” and she loved it. Of course, as I’m nearly 80, I expect to live 20-30 years more, so perhaps I’m now qualified to express an opinion. :smiley:

5

That’s weird, I wrote what is below, but nothing appeared. Maybe because I died before finishing???

Editing did not work either. Here is what I wrote:

Geezer reporting as requested, sir!

When I was young and old people talked about it, always found it very disturbing and embarassing. My response was something to the effect of, “Oh, you’re not even close to that, you’ve got years left.”

Now I realize that was silly, as while I’m pissed off at the idea of not being around any more, it not only is perfectly all right to discuss, but I often make jokes about it. Most people I know around my age (hey, there are not very many that are older, have no compunctions a’tall about discussing it.

I expect, however, that it is an individual thing, and some may not feel that way.

As featherlou noted, if one wants to discuss this with an older person, obviously refrain from the jokes at first. See what their attitude is, then ask respecful questions so they know you are really wanting to know about it.

I think attitudes have changed drastically from back when I was living with the dinosaurs. Then most people were considered old when in their 60s. Now, it is difficult to catagorize “old,” as posts in a recent thread showed.

I had a friend, when we were young, who always addressed his rather aged monther-in-law as “You old bat.” and she loved it. Of course, as I’m nearly 80, I expect to live 20-30 years more, so perhaps I’m now qualified to express an opinion. :smiley:

6

My dad is 83, and lives with us. He is reasonably good health, and still drives. (I’ve driven with him a few times, he’s cautious - read: a bit slow - but an ok driver.) He is some pain and can’t walk too far, but we’ve taken him to some Astros baseball games and he does just fine.

We’ve talked about it a lot. I’m the eldest, and we’ve discussed wills, power of attorney, what to sing at the funeral - all of that stuff. It’s awkward and painful (for me at least) but necessary.

He says he’s ready whenever it’s his time. He’s outlived most of his friends. Mom died almost twenty years ago. He’s kinda lonely for people his own age and life experiences, but he still goes out deep sea fishing occasionally, and about a month ago he took a charter bus to Louisiana to go gambling with the son of one of his friends. (He says he’s spending my inheritance! Heh.)

I’m just glad he lives with us, so I can get to know him better than I ever knew him. I love my Daddy! <sniff>

7

Um…what’s up with KG’s posts? Weird.
(KG, make sure you’ve closed all your quote tags - I once wrote a masterpiece of a post without closing one quote tag, and the whole thing posted blank.)

8

Ah, thank you. I posted, and you saw what happened. Tried editing, ditto. Tried a third time and gave up.

Here is what I wrote last time:

Really weird, twice tried to post a reply, but nothing appears in the text. Tried editing, same thing. Maybe it is because I died? :eek:

Here is what I wrote, for the third time:

Geezer reporting as requested, sir!

When I was young and old people talked about it, always found it very disturbing and embarassing. My response was something to the effect of, “Oh, you’re not even close to that, you’ve got years left.”

Now I realize that was silly, as while I’m pissed off at the idea of not being around any more, it not only is perfectly all right to discuss, but I often make jokes about it. Most people I know around my age (hey, there are not very many that are older, have no compunctions a’tall about discussing it.

I expect, however, that it is an individual thing, and some may not feel that way.

As featherlou noted, if one wants to discuss this with an older person, obviously refrain from the jokes at first. See what their attitude is, then ask respecful questions so they know you are really wanting to know about it.

I think attitudes have changed drastically from back when I was living with the dinosaurs. Then most people were considered old when in their 60s. Now, it is difficult to catagorize “old,” as posts in a recent thread showed.

I had a friend, when we were young, who always addressed his rather aged monther-in-law as “You old bat.” and she loved it. Of course, as I’m nearly 80, I expect to live 20-30 years more, so perhaps I’m now qualified to express an opinion. :smiley:

9

The only “old” people I even attempted to have such a conversation were my parents. Very awkward to say the least without giving the impression that I expect them to be dying soon. At the end I just received assurance from them that their affairs are in order and how they expect their assets to be distributed when they’re gone. A tough conversation indeed. When I get real old, I will make sure that I have “the conversation” with my children so that they will not be put in the same awkward position that I was in.

10

Yeah, the problem was a goofed-up quote tag. Fixed.

11

Testing

12

talking to old people about dying sounds like a good title for an emo record, or maybe a song title :smiley:

It is an prickly subject to bring up. I’m not you, but I don’t think I’d be the one to start that conversation, though I’d participate if they involved me. I don’t know, maybe you could bring up Emily Dickinson or Dylan Thomas and ask what they think of the poems. That might segue into how they feel about death. Sorry, I guess that’s the English major method of bringing up awkward subjects!

13

In my family (including extended, cousins and such), we’re comfortable talking (even joking) about dying until somebody’s actually dying, and then things get strained. I can’t explain why it should be like this, but it is.

My daughter used to joke with my mom about an old clock. It started when mom was in her 50’s or 60’s. My daughter admired the clock and mom said something like “Well, it’s yours when I’m gone.” Daughter said “I have to wait that long?” It was a running joke for years, variations on “the damn clock”, but as mom got older and started having health problems, the joking stopped.

I ended up with the damn clock and my daughter and I joke about it again. “When do I get the damn clock, mom?”

14

For some reason, I found this a very profound description of life. Thank you.

15

My grandparents (both in their 70s) make frequent references to the fact that they probably don’t have long on this earth. Not in a “you should call/visit more often” way, but in a matter-of-fact sense. They hope they live to see my college graduation (and so do I) but they both know that it might not be possible. They have both expressed their wishes about how much care they should get (ie. please stick me in a dark room with some morphine and let me expire quietly).

They’re moving to Arizona this month. They’ve never been comfortable staying in one place, and while they are both conscious of their imminent mortality, they are both still very much alive.

I am fairly comfortable when they talk to me this way. I work in a hospital, and I’ve seen people much younger than them die. Some of my family (esp one sister) is much less comfortable. How I’ll feel when it actually happens…?

My mom has been trying to get my dad to write a will, and of course he’s in complete denial. If our schedules intersect at any point soon, I may have to sit him down and talk reasonably about wills, living or otherwise. They’re not old, only in their late 50s, but it’s still time to talk about it. Washington is a community property state, so he might just not be that worried, knowing Mom will get everything.

16

Not the intent but after reading what I wrote, I see what you mean. You’re welcome. :slight_smile:

17

I’m not old (46), but I am going to die soon. I have advanced lung cancer. The people who are willing to talk to me about death, and willing to help me deal with the fear and planning mean a great deal to me. I know how hard it is for family, they think that by talking about it, it will happen sooner for something. For me it is knowing that I’ve arraged things as best as I can, and let the people I love know how special they are. I don’t want to die, but I will. I just want what time I have left to not be filled with worry about how my family go on.

It is a frightening thing. Just talk to them.

18

I am so very, very sorry, Indecisive.
I can understand that those people who are helping you mean a lot to you.
Bless them, and you.

I never got a chance to talk to either of my parents about death, they died young and they died fast.
I did have a chance to talk to my grandmother about it; by the time she reached her late 80’s, her health was really deteriorating. She had about had it, was ready to die, and told me so. The conversation was somewhat awkward, but not very much, and I am glad she felt she could share that with me.

19

Indecisive, you’re in my thoughts & prayers. Bless you for your bravery in reaching out & giving us another perspective.

May I say one other thing? When you’re talking to someone, especially the elderly & terminally ill, listen much more than you talk. If you’re comfortable with the gesture, hold their hand while they talk. Get comfortable with their silences. It’s surprising, but for many in retirement homes & hospices, most human interaction they receive is directed at them, & is short-term. They’re feeling, sometimes hurting; a few minutes of having someone listen to them can mean everything. Even when the patient knows he or she is dying, his mortality is as much of a surprise to him as yours might be to you. It helps to talk to someone who’s listening.

I’m sorry if it seems like I’m hijacking this thread – just wanted to give my take on the subject.

20

Don’t worry about it, phil - it doesn’t seem like a hijack.

indecisive1, I actually thought about situations where people were dying young when I was thinking about this OP, too. I went with just older people because it seems like they would have had more time to get used to the idea because it is so much closer to them than most younger people, but your perspective is much appreciated, too.

So you don’t see people talking about your illness and death as insensitive or makes you uncomfortable? I guess in some ways it’s like how people deal with someone they know who is grieving; you don’t want to bring up something they don’t want to think about, but ignoring the elephant in the room just doesn’t seem right, either.