Baked up a batch of Sweet Potato Get Well Sooner cookies and got some flowers together, and will soon be on my way to visit my friend’s mom in the hospital. I don’t want to just stand there looking sad with nothing to say though.
Making matters worse (for me), my mom died in an eerily similar hospital just a couple of years ago. Hopefully I will not be too affected by this, but I am dreading the fact that they may have some of the same weird decor, because it is a part of a chain of religious hospitals. If I see wall-sized color photos of Jesus, I may freak out.
Don’t worry though, I react visibly to things very rarely, so there is no risk of upsetting the patient with tears or anything.
What can make a dying person feel better, if anything?
Don’t focus conversation on the future unless the patient really wants to talk about, say, their hopes for their children and such.
Let them guide the topics.
Listen.
If I saw a photograph of Jesus I would probably stroke out right on the spot! :eek:
I wish I had an answer for you, but I’ve been wracking my brains over this my entire life. Everybody I’ve ever discussed the subject with has said exactly the same thing. Even when I disconnected my mother’s life support, I couldn’t think of anything to say other than some feeble assurances that everything was going to be OK soon, and that we were all looking forward to her getting out of the hospital and coming to live with us. Fucking brilliant—the woman had less than a day to live and I knew that full well. Seriously, if I had to go through this again, I would consult with a psychologist who specializes in this area and have him or her coach me. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there have been books written on this subject.
Right—if you’re at a complete loss for words you can use the technique employed in existential psychology (I think it was Carl Rogers who came up with it) in which you simply affirm what the other person is saying without embellishing or adding to it. For example, if a person is talking about a particularly upsetting childhood experience, you can say something like “it sounds as if that upset you very much.” It may sound specious or condescending, but it’s not. It’s a valid and time-honored clinical technique. It has a name, but for the life of me I can’t remember it right now. I always advise men to use it when their wives/girlfriends want to talk about their problems. A lot of men have figured out now that when a woman talks about her problems, she doesn’t want advice. Despite what you may think, a lot of us XY folk actually get that. But at the same time, we don’t want to just sit there with our thumbs up our asses, nodding our heads or going “uh huh…uh huh…”—makes us feel like doofi. So all men can benefit from learning and applying this practice. I always get good reports back from people whom I’ve suggested it to.
I just visited my lovely grandmother-in-law in hospital. I don’t think she’ll be coming home again.
We talked about the things she wanted to talk about, I let her decide. That was what we are up to, her late husband until she said she’d rather stop talking about him (that’s how it usually goes, she misses him very much), then worries about the hospital, about the difficulty in trying to do her hair (the poor nurses do it wrong, of course), the family. She loves going over everyone in her large family, even just naming all the great-grand-children and saying how they are all doing.
We also had an awesome conversation on the subject of her late husband (my late grandfather-in-law, whom I also loved very dearly). First she confided that they had had to get married after their 5 year engagement during the war. She said: “You’re family, but don’t tell anyone else!” (And here I am, telling Teh Internet) Then she went on about how you didn’t used to have contraception, and she told me how, after all 4 of their children had been born, her husband came home one day having bought condoms in the supermarket, and how happy that made them! Ha! Who would’ve thought that’s what I’d be chatting to my GMIL about on her deathbed! 
I know this isn’t really advice, besides just: the regular stuff + be prepared for some… other… stuff just in case! You know her, so you know things she might like to talk about. Her family and their awesome achievements is probably a good bet, ie your friend. I would also say, if she wants to complain, let her complain without devaluing her complaint by trying to cheer her up. It sucks and you probably don’t know how much it sucks, so if she says something sucks just accept that and sympathise. [ETA: what Washoe said while I was typing!]
Good luck.
My (former?) friend became a meth addict, and I’m not really sure where he is right now.
There are a ton of other topics probably best avoided as well. Thanks for the ideas and support, everyone. I’m probably anxious for nothing, because she has always been a chatterbox. Here I go!
You’re doing the brave thing Ana. Just do what feels natural. Think of some pleasant times you might have shared together to reflect on.
Aw, so much for my advice then! :smack:
You’ll be fine with a chatterbox! Just chat! Complain about the hospital food, compliment her by saying they can’t all be as good as she is in the kitchen, take it from there Good luck Ana!
Alas, the morphine has taken her ability to converse. I knew she’d be in bad shape, but it was worse than I expected. Mostly I just held her hand and got nurses when she needed them.
I guess I’m going to try to get out there every couple of days.
I was relieved not to see any Jesus photos on the walls, but I let my guard down too soon. As soon as I got off the elevator I was confronted by a larger-than-life supercreepy image of him sticking his fingers in some guy’s ears. I think it was the same guy they used for the Jesus cuddling lambs photo mural at the other hospital. I ran to my car and did not look back.
When my grandpa was in the hospital, with a non-fatal ailment, I visited him and would bring the newspaper. He wasn’t much of a talker to begin with, and the medication didn’t make him more talkative. He might have been fine with me just sitting with him, but I read him stories from the newspaper, and then would ask what he thought. Only general fluff pieces. He liked dogs, and there happened to be an article about dogs.
A friend of mine got a cancer diagnosis when I was in high school. Not being able to drive at the time, transportation to visit him could be complicated, but certainly not impossible. I did not visit him nearly enough, and it’s one of my biggest regrets. He seemed to be happy when I visited, and I hope I was able to raise his spirits. Being a regular visitor might be a nice way to show you care.
I was in the hospital for an extended stay. Having company can be a nice distraction. Privacy is good sometimes too, so you’ll just have to judge that on your own.
It sounds like your situation may not involve much conversing. Maybe reading general pieces from the news could be comforting just to hear someone’s voice for your friend’s mom. Or talk about recent developments around town. You don’t have to talk about them, their situation, or the future. Just being present can be comforting.
I’ve read that (generally speaking, I suppose) people who are dying appreciate honesty above all else. They have a profound sense of “what really matters” and no time for b.s, however well-intentioned. Example: “There, there, you’ll be home in no time” to someone who is obviously dying and knows it.
HOWEVER, the honesty should be gentle and kind. It’s not the time or place for “brutal honesty” (which is usually much more brutal than honest, IMO).
I agree with the statement upthread to let the dying person direct the conversation. My experience is limited to extended deathbed conversations with two people, both beloved older male relatives, both with terminal cancer. They both wanted straight talk, which I gave them with sympathy and care.
All of the above is IMO, of course. And apologies if I pontificated.
I guess it depends on the patient. If the patient is a football fan or has a favourite team, there’s something to talk about. If the patient hates something, you can gripe about that with them.
As for the morphine making conversation unfeasible, I remember reading something (I can’t come up with a cite) that some doctors think heroin would be useful for N stage cancer patients. The article said that for equal amounts of pain relief, a patient on heroin would be much more lucid and able to carry on a conversation than one on morphine.
No, that makes complete sense to me. I just wish I could see my way clear to implementing that. 
I’m sorry about that. I’m sure she appreciated your presence. Perhaps you could bring something along with you as a talking point when you go next time, just to make it easier? She might just hear you, and be glad of some chatter. Flowers or something, that’ll let you start off talking about that. For my great-grandmother I used to try to go shopping before visiting her, she always liked clothes and even when she couldn’t really respond she liked me pulling everything out and feeling the fabrics.
My lovely GMIL died last night. I’ll miss her very much, I loved her a lot. I am just so glad for that last conversation, it was so fun and honest. I will love her forever for reaffirming that I was part of her family in our last conversation.
So sorry to hear about your grandmother-in-law. It sounds like you made her last days a bit better and that she died feeling loved and valued, which is the best that could be hoped for.
First of all, it’s good of you to visit. That already comforts the sufferer.
When my Mum was in a hospice, I visited every day.
Just being there and telling her little things about my day worked well.
On a related note, after my Mum died, a friend phoned me daily just for a short chat. That really helped me.
Bring a book and read to her. If you know she has an old favorite, pick that. If not, pick something that you are passionate about that you think she’d like. It will show her you care and help keep her mind off it.
When my kids visited my dying brother in law and he could no longer converse, we had them read kids books to him - they had no idea what to say, but we though simply the sound of their voices would be appreciated.
Try to talk to them about something unrelated to the cancer. If there is one thing people with terminal illnesses hate, it’s to be constantly reminded more than they already are of their disease. They just wanted to be treated as a regular person, for at least one day.
Document her life. Use a tape recorder. The last time I visited one of my Uncles he told me the most incredible story about something that happened to him as a young adult. I was speechless. They could have made a movie about it.
I regret not doing this with either of my parents and I’m now without a family history.
This is so true! My grandmother-in-law was always writing little rhymes for all occasions, and of course she recited one for her own funeral while I was there. I made sure to quickly jot it down in my phone. She didn’t actually say what it was for, but it was about how to remember her “standing in the sun” and not the way she was in the end, in hospital. I’m so glad I wrote it down.
The last thing my grandfather said to me was amazing, all about how love is the only thing that matters in this world and how he was so lucky to understand that because from his perspective as a dying grandfather he could see so clearly how all he ever did was just fall in love with my grandmother. Everything of any importance in his life came from that and he said everything is built on love. It was pretty amazing, I wish I had recorded that. I like to tell other people because it helps me remember myself.