My 70-year-old mother was diagnosed with cancer which has metastasized. Liver, colon, bones. She also had a C. difficile infection and got colostomy. She went from 110-120lbs to 99lbs. She’s too weak for chemo or radiation therapy in her condition. If she gains weight, she might be able to withstand it though.
She’s been eating less. She’s always been a stingy eater but now even more so. She asks for meals of several plates or 1’’ steaks but doesn’t eat much of it. She just doesn’t feel like eating and doesn’t seem to make much effort. She has fatigue. More and more, it feels like I’m taking care of a child who’s turning into a cadaver.
If there’s something I can do to help her regain strength, I’d like to know. The doctor gave her 6 months to a year but I’m not sure she’ll make it 6 months. I think she may have had a case of learned helplessness/victim mentality for a long time. I think the only reason she’s sticking around is to be with me which is touching but uneasy.
My dietitian, when my husband was dying, said frozen dinners, Marie Callender (sp?) specifically. You would not believe how much fat they cram into that stuff. Alfredo, “swedish” meatballs, mac & cheese. There is also an appetite enhancer that uses I believe, a THC derivative. I cannot recall the name tho’
I have heard that marijuana will help with appetite.
Try milkshakes. You can add protein powder without affecting the taste. If she’ll drink them, you can also make smoothies, to get fruits and vegetables in. You can add yogurt or ice cream to those.
You can also try scrambled eggs.
If all she tolerate are the protein drinks, then go with those. Make sure you check the calories count on them, so you know how often she needs to drink them.
Is she just laying down all day?
Largely, yes. She’ll get a walker soon. As the weather warms, she’ll sit on the balcony.
She won’t drink milk (although it’s ok in cereals). She’s not going to budge on that one, she’s had that hang-up for more than 60 years. She’s really liking ice cream though. Adding yogurt to water-based protein shakes sounds like it could work.
She likes eggs, I can put meat, vegetables and cheese in them.
It seems like she’s acquiring the food tastes of a child with her craving for orange (it has to specifically be orange) gatorade and her specific kind of ice cream.
Pot: She has a phobia of drugs, alcohol, to a lesser extent medication. I’ve tried to talk her into taking a very small amount of pot and she categorically refuses. She’s had anxiety attacks in the past and is generally quite nervous. I made the mistake of going on a 5-hour run/walk and she got scared enough to call people. She says she was scared for me but I’m not sure I believe it.
She’s has a nurse do a weekly visit. A social worker came by today. A nutritionist will come within the week I think.
If she has problems with liquids then freeze the Gatorade and make shaved ice with it. And every bed ridden person I’ve ever met will say yes to a back-rub without hesitation.
Keep her hydrated and regular. One of the things that generates great misery is to get constipated. It’s an entire level of agony on top of everything else.
You’ll have to experiment with comfort food. Stuff like KFC Famous Bowl which is a little bit of everything all mashed up.
I think QtM is right. Home hospice doesn’t always mean that you’re only providing palliative care and they should be able to help her be more comfortable.
You should also talk to her about what she wants: does she want to gain weight and try to fight this or does she want to be as comfortable as possible and try to enjoy her remaining time.
The only thing my son could eat towards the end were drinks like Ensure and Muscle Milk. He also liked soup. The biggest problem was that nothing tasted right or good to him. He had cancer and was doing chemo treatments. At a certain point he didn’t want anything at all. I think it was just a natural progression of things. It’s hard, it’s gut-wrenching and it’s sad. I wish you both peace.
My mother went through surgery for colon cancer last year. She had chemotherapy – no side effects but it didn’t work and the cancer metastasized to her liver. A few months ago she got an implant for a port to try a stronger chemo but before the treatment started she developed an intestinal blockage and had colostomy surgery.
She hated the bag, lost her appetite, and, pretty much, the will to continue. She stopped seeing the oncologist. Pretty much the only thing she would eat were eggs, sometimes an egg salad sandwich without the bread. She went from 145 to under 120 pounds in two months.
Mom died a couple weeks ago of a massive stroke; she was 91.
This. When my Mom was diagnosed with cancer (and dementia) I put myself and her in a tizzy with Drs. appointments, diet and PT thinking we were going to fight it off. I didn’t allow myself to find out what she wanted (which was to sit in her chair and be cared for) for some months. I feel for you. 70 is younger than we want to think about, and these are brutal times to be dealing with this. Be still when you can and enjoy your time with her.
I think so too; that’s a thing that happens, not every time, but fairly often in people whose bodies are generally giving out. It’s easy for the healthy to think that they must be hungry; but eating may be harder and more distressing than not doing so.
Turble, I’m sorry for your loss. The dying person, I think, is often ready to go. The survivors, however ready we think we are, are often not ready at all.
I have no recommendations to help with the medical issues. I just wanted to say I am sorry you and your mother are going through this. Please don’t forget to take care of yourself as well, including emotional support if at all possible.
I highly recommend getting hospice now. Their experience and approach are invaluable, not only for your mother, but for you, too. And having them there for the important conversation about what your mother wants her remaining time to be like would be a huge help. They can also help you get a better perspective on what your role is and what it should be.
Agree with everything posted. My experience with my mother who had cancer that metastasized and was receiving hospice care is that she essentially gave up on herself but was staying alive just for me. It was heartbreaking to see, but as stated sometimes people lose the will to go on, and that should be respected.
I told her we were all going to be OK, and she was gone within 48 hours. Maybe she just needed that in order to let go.
She has had or will have a social worker, nurse, physiotherapist and physician visit her.
I think the only reason she’s hanging on is to spend time with me. Once she can’t go on here and goes to the hospital, I don’t think she’ll last more than a week if I can’t visit her. Keeping herself alive also means she’s also suffering.
Today I had to get out of the flat because she was taking so long doing something, the term that came to my mind was “agonizingly slow” and the appropriateness of that term was a little too much for me. I’m seeing her die in slow-motion.
It’s good that you’re taking care of yourself; please continue to do so. You’re going through some very tough stuff right now.
The great thing about home hospice is that it does keep a person in their home throughout the process, and these programs can also provide support for caregivers such as yourself.
I’m worried about what might happen if her mind starts to go. She’s understandably been quicker to anger these days and she sometimes seems confused. Pain, fear, confusion, anger and neurological dysfunction could get ugly and I’m not sure how I’d handle it. I don’t know if I should start treating her like a 5-year-old.
We spend a few hours on the couch in the living room everyday. I try to get her to talk about whatever she would like to talk about. She doesn’t say much. She confirmed she’s intent on dying at home. I’m the only person home aside from her. I’m her only child. But there just isn’t much talk which I’d expect at the end of her life. She might be waiting until she has enough energy but everyday her energy level seems to go down. She seems to be slowly shutting down, procrastinating when there might not be time to procrastinate. I’m not sure how to get her to open up.
Is it possible that she feels she’s already said what needs to be said, and is just too tired to talk for the sake of talking? If she’s already said clearly that she wants to die at home, I’m not sure what you want her to ‘open up’ about. Do you mean that you want to know specific things about her life or family history?
I agree that you should get hospice services if they’re available. Their job is to help you, as well as to help your mother.