My husband has a girlfriend

In My Humble Opinion
21

Assuming he is tellin the truth, it doesn’t sound like he is interested. I’ve never had an affair, but if I did, it would be with someone completely different from my wife. What would be the point?

However, if she is calling every night, she might have other ideas. Would you call a guy friend, under similar circumstances, every night? If she is like you, under what circumstances would you call every night?

I agree with the others. If he talks in front of you, no problem. If he always leaves the room, there might be a problem. (Or not. You might just be too noisy.)

22

How would I react if your SO suddenly had a “best friend”?

I was raised by my Mom, (a very friendly and outgoing woman), to believe members of the opposite sex couldn’t be very good / close / best friends. She always said a tight male/female plutonic friendship wasn’t based in honesty, because one (or both) participant(s) were supressing natural sexual urges.

That instilled belief was both tested and reputiated in my first serious, “oh, I couldn’t live without her” relationship. The SO in question, Jill, was very friendly with all of her 3 older brothers’ friends. She evidenced the fact that it was very possible to be close to, and even flirt with, the guys she considered friends without ratcheting it up a level. It could have been the fact her loyalty and honesty over rode any carnal feelings, or could have simply been the fact the guys in question were all skells, thugs and felons.

Something else you learn as you mature: Jealousy generally goes hand-in-hand with insecurity. The more self-confident a person is, the less the likelihood they’ll be prone to jealousy.

It’s good to hear you say you are happy for him. But if you think about it, what other choices do you have? You’re obviously never previously forbid him from interacting with female co-workers, so you can’t put the kabash on the friendship now that it exists and voicing any unfounded concerns (even if they did exist) would be counterproductive.

23

I wouldn’t like it if my husband suddenly had a close relationship with someone else of any gender. It’s not a sex thing, it’s a time thing. My husband needs lots and lots of alone time: he’s very introspective. I’m cool with that–I’m the same way, in fact, though to a lesser degree. However, what that means is that he is only willing to do a very limited amount of socializing per day. I’d be pissed if time we spent together was curtailed because he’d just been on the phone for an hour with anyone–male or female–and now he had to get back to saving the world on the computer.

If he had always been a social person, was a social person before I met him, then it wouldn’t bother me at all. And I never worry about him cheating on me. He comes home and tells me about the various cute chicks he saw in the course of the day, and I enjoy it. But I am jealous of his time, and not willing to share any more of it than I currently have.

I’ll even go a step further and say I wouldn’t be comfortable with him confiding too much in anyone other than me. He’s not a person who shares too much of himself with anyone: he’s very self-sufficient and before I met him didn’t really share his hopes and dreams nad fears with anyone at all, and was content with that. If I found out he was spilling out hopes and dreams and fears to some other person–of either gender–I’d be hurt.

Again, if he had always shared himself with a variety of friends, it wouldn’t bother me. But it would be so out of charecter for him that it would make me question the very roots of our relationship.

24

Oh, I think you mean ‘girl friend’ two words, not one… or perhaps ‘woman friend?’

Anyway, it’s usually alright. I have been friends with lots of married women, we go out to lunch & dinner, plays, watch films together. Depends on the person they picked. Looks like he picked someone on the rebound?

25

I still think people are missing the point. I don’t think you have a trust issue with your husband. I think your issue is with this woman who has suddenly become his “best friend.”

Your husband’s intentions may be nothing but honorable. Doesn’t mean hers are. Do what Ivylass suggests, and meet her. If nothing else, you will (in all likelihood) be able to tell by the way she acts around your husband whether or not she has ulterior motives.

26

A others have mentioned it may be more complex than him simply having female pal. While it make make us feel big spirited and trusting to “not mind” our spouses having quasi- emotionally intimate relationships with the opposite sex, it is important to understand that male-female friend relationships (as opposed to social acquaintences) often have very different dynamics than same sex friend relationships.

It may amount to nothing, but women (or men) who use opposite sex partners as sounding boards and for emotional support
are forging (on some level) an intimate emotional connection. To maintian all the proper distances in these relationships is often difficult.

Wives who would view these opposite sex friend relationships with tight lips, raised brows and narrowed eyes are not narrow minded, provincial fools. They are often practical realists who are much better aware of the risks inherent in opposite sex relationships bordering on emotional intimacy than are their “wanting to be helpful” husbands.

Many a straying spouse or broken marriage has started with someone offering a person in emotional or life distress a shoulder to lean or cry on. Opposite sex friendships can be entirely platonic, supportive and nurturing, but to ignore the risks inherent in them is as foolish as being overly paranoid and mistrustful.

27

Huzzah, Astro, for diplomatically expressing what I have been attempting, in my own inadequate way, to point out.

28

heh…my last boyfriend left me for “the girl he once thought of as a little sister, best friend type”, so I am forever suspicious, lol.

29

:: checks to see if MandaJO has suddenly moved to San Diego and secretly shacked up in my condo ::

I feel the exact same way.

30

By Biggirl:“It’s a woman from work who is having problems with her husband (lips thinning) and calls every night (raised eyebrows) who my husband thinks is really cool (eyes narrowing) and who he also thinks is a whole lot like me (GASP!).”

Call me a narrow-minded prude if you wish, but I’d be pissed and concerned about this. I don’t think my wife would like it a damn bit either, if the shoe were on the other foot.

People going through the breakup of a marriage need lots of emotional support. They need someone to confirm that they are desirable and attractive. They need more than another person’s spouse should be willing to provide.

Your husband might not realize what’s happening here, and indeed the woman may not.(yet) Sooner or later, she’ll need somebody, and it will be much better if that somebody isn’t your husband.

31

At first, he was a little uncomfortable having a female friend. I gotta tell you about me and my husband. Those who have met both of us can see that I am the gregarious, friendly, flirty one. He’s much more concerned about decorum.

I’ve had to, on many occasions, call his guy friends to tell them to please come and take him out. A bar, a club— anywhere. He once called me from a club in a panic because there was a girl who was chatting him up and buying him drinks. My advice? Sounds like you’re having a great time. Drink the drinks and flirt back. . . then come home.

As to whether he talks in front of me-- most of the time. I know about the problems she’s having in her marraige because my husband told me. But there are times when he gets up and leaves. It’s a private conversation between friends-- I don’t need to listen in.

Hubby can’t wait for us to meet. He seems to think we’ll get along like gangbusters.

Does she have designs on my husband? Dunno. I think he’s great and compared to the overbearing man she’s married to, my hubby is a god. Too bad for her.

You know, I think she does kinda like my husband in a non-platonic way. I’m not sure because I’ve never met her but how can you not like my guy? (OK, I may be a little biased). Good for him. He’s not an Adonis and women never have thrown themselves at him. Let him preen a little.

We’ve been together for 20 years. I’ve known him for 25 and I’m not feeling even a twinge of jealousy or possessiveness. I have demanded his trust in the past (believe me, if you have trust issues I am not the wife for you) and he shouldn’t expect anything less from me.

32

What Astro, Manda Jo, and John Carter said.

Biggirl, you know your husband better than we do. If you say he can be trusted, so be it.

This woman is looking for positive male attention given that her husband is a dick. Give it time and I guarandamntee you that she’ll express “feelings” for Mr. Big. Your husband might be the greatest guy on the planet, but his ego could very well get swelled up. I’m not saying he’s gonna cheat, I’m saying that given that this woman is calling him every night (totally inappropriate IMHO), the opportunity is gonna present itself somewhere down the line. She will see to it that it does. And when it does happen, chances are Mr. Big won’t cheat, but damn. Here’s a woman that reminds him of his lovely wife, and she thinks he’s the bee’s knees and he’s oooh so wonderful and so smart and sensitive and yada yada yada. Women fall in love with men who will listen to their problems/be sensitive, men fall in love with women who make 'em feel like Superman. He is being her hero and she’s gonna make him feel like one.

No, I don’t think you should pitch a fit and demand that he stop talking to her but I think you should keep both eyes open. Consciously she may not realize what she’s doing but she is getting what she needs … she can’t get what she needs from her own husband so she’s getting what she needs from yours. It’s good that your husband is a nice and caring guy, and I’m sure he has good intentions, but it’s not his job to meet the needs that her husband doesn’t fill.

To be fair I do think this situation would be very different if she was a friend of his from way back … but a coworker? Is it smart to tell your coworker the details of your personal life under any circumstances? Calling every single night? WTF?

33

The calling every night is what gets me, too. But then that is how some people do friendships–loads and loads of contact.

I get the feeling (albeit on this limited information) that she is looking to your husband for a kind of emotional support and feedback that I just wouldn’t be comfortable with as an onlooking spouse. Sure. I support mixed-gender friendships. I think they are valuable. However, a person’s first emotional commitment is to one’s spouse.

I have many male friends. The closest ones are the ones who knew me before my husband came along. I have to say that since I’ve been married, I do tend to keep myself more “apart” from any new male friends I make. I just don’t want he or me to put ourselves in an awkward emotional position. Maybe that’s paranoid and unnecessary, but I value my peaceful, trusting marriage a LOT and it’s not worth the possible risk of getting confused, feeling like the bad guy because I can’t return a level of affection, or raising suspicions among outsiders or my spouse. Not worth it.

If it were my husband we were talking about, I’d want him to be observing some firmer boundaries with her.

34

I feel as Manda JO, scout1222 and Cranky do. The emotional connection and time is what would bother me. I don’t share private stuff with anyone but my husband. I’m not the type that talks about my spouse with girlfriends, and he’s not the type to do so with other men, so it would really upset me if he started confiding in someone, male or female.

35

My bf is very good with women, he has lots of female friends and until recently (the last year or so) had very few male friends. He’s also stayed friends or at least civil to his ex-gf’s.

I think it’s a great thing, one of the sexiest things about him is his unique way of really understanding women, packaged in an immense muscle bound former marine physique.

I do understand your reticence though, especially if he’s never had a close female friend. I don’t think you’d be too out of line if you met her and got to know her too. But imho? I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, especially if he’s never given you any reason to be suspicious.

36

My husband’s always had lots of female friends, and I’ve never minded. One of them introduced us, after all. Female friends aren’t even a blip on the radar.

Clingy, needy female friends, however, would be a somewhat different story. Especially female friends who are clingy and needy due to romance problems. I truly believe DrJ is too smart to fall for the old “Oh, what would I ever do without you, you big strong man?” horseshit. However, if she was to even look like she was thinking about trying such a stunt, I’d have to go slapping people around, and slapping people around tends to make me cranky.

In your situation Biggirl, I’d be suspicious…of her. In my experience, coworkers don’t call each other each and every single night after being together at work all day. I don’t care how close a friendship you have, that’s just not normal for a platonic relationship.

37

Well, maybe there’s history that some of you people know that isn’t in this thread, but if not, you’re making some unwarranted assumptions. Biggirl hasn’t said anything to lead one to think this friendship is hurting her relationship with her hubby. Nor is there any indication that he has the “limited intimacy” issues that Manda Jo’s hubby has, and that so many of you seem to feel is a cause for concern. Quite the contrary; he seems to be handling it very well, without it negatively impacting his marriage.

Some of us are quite capable of having multiple intimate friendships without it having any negative effects on other relationships. I’ve personally been through two similar situations, recently, and it hasn’t affected my relationships with anyone else.

As for the woman, yes, it’s somewhat unusual that she doesn’t have someone else with whom she’s already close enough to talk this over. But, it’s not that unusual. Couples tend to share friends. She may not have any women friends who don’t know her husband. And, she may not be close to her family, or even have any family. And, when someone is in emotional agony, it doesn’t take much to befriend them. Just a few sympathetic words may be all it takes. And, if that person has no one else to turn to, you may find yourself with a new best friend.

This does not automatically imply that the woman is going to fall madly in lust with hubby. Yes, she’s clearly being clingy, and if it’s interfering with the private time Biggirl and her hubby require, something needs to be done about that. She may even love hubby, at some level. But, there are many levels of love, and to assume she’s going to make a play for him is unreasonable. I love my friends, but that doesn’t mean I want to jump in the sack with them. Even if she does go through “savior syndrome” there’s no reason to assume she’s not going to be able to handle it rationally, and realize it wouldn’t be good to act on her feelings. And, I’d bet a month’s pay that hubby would turn her down, if she did make a move on him.

38

  • I am inclined to agree with the Manda JO’s of the world

  • You sound comfortable with the situation, Biggirl - which should therefore make it okay

  • I am a little curious, if it really is no big deal, why there was a need to post about it - if you are okay, then that’s that, right? But enough of your friends might’ve bugged you so you thought you’d do a sanity check - now, turning to Dopers for that is a little scary, but I digress

  • When in doubt - communicate, e.g.: “Mr. Biggirl - be happy. Our relationship is built on trust. If this friend meets a friend-type need, great. Just so’s you know, though - if this friendship monopolizes too much time or if you find yourself comtemplating crossing a relationship line, you must commit to talking about that with me BEFORE you act - is that fair?” or something like that.

Beyond that, there’s not a lot a person can do - it’s about trust.

39

The need to post about it? No need at all, actually. I was just surprised by how many of my friends were up in arms about my husband’s new friend and wondered how others would feel about the same situation.

Turns out I really am weird after all.

40

… and for my 1000th post, I’m happily chiming in on a subject that is near and dear to my heart, penis and stained-glass unicorn hanging in my house.

As my SO mentioned earlier in this thread, the vast majority of my friends in this life are women (my next life, I feel, I’ll befriend fig newtons only). At least one of them, mind you, does want to shake her groove thing in my general direction (and since she’s in an “open relationship” with her fiancé, we know that he doesn’t mind too much…), but I’m not ever going to take her up on her offer of some extra-relationshipal booty. Am I flattered by the attention? Sure. But I’m still not going to ever take her up on it.

I’m a one-woman man when it comes to relationships. Does my SO trust my friend? I’m not sure, to tell the truth. Does she trust me? Sure. I mean, that’s all it can come down to, isn’t it? My SO can’t watch me every second of the day, nor can she ever hope to keep my love, respect and affection by attempting to chain me to a nonsensical expectation of only having males as friends. So the only thing left she has to rely on is her trust of me.

One of the many reasons I love my SO is that she is open-minded enough to respect (and this goes both ways; I mean, she can have as many guy friends as she wants as far as I’m concerned) that I feel more comfortable with women than I do men.

I guess I’ve never agreed with the dubious rationale that one, past a certain age, should avoid having friends of the opposite sex. Especially best friends. You get good people and bad people no matter the gender, so why should I (or anyone else) willingly limit myself (or themselves) to only half the possibilities of good friendships?

Furthermore, why should I forego my friendship with my amorous woman friend just because she fancies a bit o’ my pink ass? It’s not like she constantly begs for sexual attention from me; in fact, our friendship is important on so many levels not having to do with hanky-panky. Why should I give that up? If my SO trusts me and yet still feels uncomfortable with the friendship, then I’m of the mind that she needs to suck it up and get on with life. An SO’s paranoia is not justification for ending a relationship that, in the long run, will prove to be very worthy. (In addition, if the SO threatens to end your relationship over a situation like the one both Biggirl and I have described, then it seems like the SO relationship was resting on a pretty big fault, anyhow.)
So, if Biggirl’s husband sees a valuable friendship beyond what could be romantic interest on the part of the woman, then I feel he’s grown up enough to make that decision to keep with the friendship. And if the woman friend does eventually develop a lovey-dovey attraction to Biggirl’s husband, makes him (and, by extension, Biggirl) aware of said attraction, then I think he should stick with the friendship and see if it proves personally beneficial beyond the proffered quixotic enticement. Her infatuation might prove temporary (and in cases like these, they usually do), and both Biggirl and her husband will possibly end up with a wonderful friend at the end of it all.
As long as there is trust in the relationship, there is more possibility for good than bad here. So, no, Biggirl, I don’t think you’re weird at all. In fact, if auntie em and I lived closer to you and your husband, I think it’d be great to have you as our “couple friends”.

Heh. I love “couple friends”. :slight_smile: