By not being the emotional type. We married mostly for insurance purposes, I have no emotional ties at all to marriage as a general rule, but many insurers won’t cover “opposite-sex life partners.” Sorry, but I honestly had mostly figured he was with me more out of laziness (not wanting to look for another woman) and comfort (security in the known) than love. Call me naiive.
For me, of course there is love. I sure as hell wouldn’t be with the same person this long if it were just financial (I make more than he does, I carry the insurance), but I guess I just never thought about the possibility that there was more from his standpoint.
You never really know how someone else feels - he says he loves you, and he acts mostly like he does, so you kinda take it on faith that he feels what he says he’s feeling. Love is a spectrum, not an “on/off” condition. I think I can understand what Litoris is saying - sometimes you get glimpses into someone else’s true feelings (or, heck, even your own).
I had a moment like that a few years back - it astonished me to have someone stick up for me like my husband did. There are moments in a marriage when you grow to love each other even more (and sometimes less, too, but here’s hoping you have more “more” moments than “less” moments).
OK, I see what you’re saying. I guess my wife and I are lucky; we had experiences where we knew we truly loved one another fairly early on in the relationship, and still do. Which reminds me I shouldn’t take it for granted - which I don’t - but when you’re in a long term relationship, it takes vigilance in that area.
Ya know, maybe I should be more specific. I have known he loves me for a long time. What I didn’t realise was that it was (for lack of a better term) romantic love. I mean, you don’t spend that much time together without some sort of strong emotion, and I guess because our relationship is based (very deeply) in a strong friendship that I assumed it was more friend love, at least on his part. It just never occurred to me that it would be romantic.
See, I always kind of thought that I and my husband were lucky, because we are such good friends. Our relationship is closer than most other couples we know. Neither of us is the jealous type, so really sometimes it is hard to know how deep those emotions run in each other.
I had a similar experience a while back when I discovered my husband *respected *me. That was weird. I mean, I knew he was smitten, I know he loves me as a friend, I know we’re a great couple in that our interests and beliefs and politics mesh enough to be compatible and diverge enough to be interesting, I got all that. But the way he speaks to me often doesn’t show a lot of respect. It’s not that he’s being a dick (except when he is), it’s just his way. It’s how his father talks to his mother, and how he learned men talk to women. But it’s often hard not to let it get to me anyway.
But then I was in another room and overheard him telling someone else how intelligent and talented I am, and how much he respected me for it.
Sort of blew me away. I try to remember that moment now when he says stupid things.