I was talking to this friend of mine who I think has lost his mind. He met some girl on the internet about two months ago, and is now moving to Boston to be with her. He is “in love” with her, he says.
Now, the question of relocation on such a flimsy basis aside, it got me wondering about when people say “I love you” in a relationship. I try not to drop the L-bomb too soon; hormones addle one’s though processes on such matters, and I think it’s not something to be said lightly. My friend and I clearly differ on this matter.
Thus, a little poll:
How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her?
When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her?
Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship?
Regret saying it?
How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her? It only took 2-3 weeks. When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her? I think it was by the fifth date. Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship? No, but I only ever said to one woman. Regret saying it? Never, I am very happy I said it.
Roughly, about 4 months, though I was quite taken with her from our first date. I did realize that hopelessly enamorated does not necessarily = love.
Roughly, about 4 months + 1 day.
No, but like What **Exit? ** I only said it to one woman.
Not at all. This October we will celebrate our 31st anniversary.
As I type this, there are only 2 responses to your question, but on these two there is a common theme: Some folk do not take saying “I love you” lightly, and for these, it can be a truly awesome step…for good or for bad, but look to the good and be certain of one’s true feelings.
I am impressed by the fact that each of you has said it to only one woman. I wonder if this is a generational difference. I’m 34 and have been in numerous longish relationships (5 of them have been 1+ years long), so I’ve said it a bunch of times. In retrospect, I don’t think I was really, truly in love with most of them. It seemed like I was at the time, but I think that was the hormones talking. Thus, I personally don’t say it right outta the gate. The temptation is great but it’s better to wait, is my current feeling.
(Also, I wouldn’t move to Boston to be with someone I just met, but yeah, I’m not impulsive that way. I still think my friend is nuts and jumping the gun, but obviously I could be wrong and he could marry her and all that. )
How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her? After our first real date. (We’d been hanging out for a couple of months on a casual basis before that night).
When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her? About 4.5 months after we first started dating.
Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship? Nope.
*How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her?*After my divorce came through, I guess.
*When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her?*I don’t remember. It was so natural that I made no note of it.
*Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship?*Never.
*Regret saying it?*Never.
How long? First kiss.
When did you first tell? About three weeks later.
Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship? No - never said it to anyone else.
Regret saying it? No, that was in the 80s and it’s worked well.
How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her? I had suspicions about 4-5 months in, but I didn’t really decide that I did until about 6-7 months after we starting dating. Even then, I’ve been in continuos turmoil about it until last Friday, approximately 1 1/2 years since we first met. (I’m a little commitment shy; can you tell?)
When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her? I haven’t yet. But I will on Tuesday, when he gets back from his trip.
Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship? I’ve seen a lot of people who’ve said it too quickly, and then been disappointed when things didn’t stay the same later on. I have never said it to anyone before, which may be why I agonized over it.
Also, to me “I love you” means something very permanent to me. I don’t think you should say it if you just mean that you enjoy their company immensely. I think somewhere between “I like having you around” and “I’d take a bullet for you” would be a good starting point.
Regret saying it? I have a feeling it’ll be one of the smarter decisions I’ve ever made. It certainly has a lot of thought behind it.
How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her?
I was never in love with any of my SO’s. Just lust. I liked spending time with them, and I had great fun with them, but it never true love.
When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her?
After about 3 months. He ‘needed’ to hear me say it and I didn’t want to argue over something that didn’t matter all that much to me.
**
Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship?**
Not mine.
It’s a little hard to answer in my current relationship because we haven’t bothered with the ‘official date’ things. We’ve been dating for six weeks to two months, and depending on the date you choose you could say I decided I loved her before we were actually dating.
With the above caveats in mind: two weeks ago, we’d been seeing each other for about a month. In the interest of not scaring her off, I’d made a conscious decision to let her say it first. She did, and a few days later she rightly told me that my decision was unfair because it put all the pressure on her - especially since we were both pretty sure of the other’s feelings by that point.
I think that in my high school-era relationships I did say it too fast; I figured you had to be in love with someone if you were dating them, which is probably a mistake a lot of people make at that age. I don’t think it created any problems and that was an error I had to make in order to learn more about what love actually is.
How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her?
After about 6 months of dating, he waded fully-clothed into the sea. <when harry met sally> That’s when I knew. I knew the way you know about a good melon. </whms>
When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her?
Shortly there after. I just couldn’t keep it to myself.
Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship?
I only said it when I was sure it was true.
I have a SO I met online; we will meet for the first time in about five weeks. We met in May 2004 and the relationship turned romantic about five months later. So I think I can relate to your friend, Rubystreak.
1. How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her?
I’d say it was two months into the romantic turn of the relationship, or seven months after meeting him.
2. When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her?
Also about two months in-- basically, as soon as I felt it. We’d been discussing what we liked about the other (yeah, it was one of those conversations), and he said the word “love”, as in, “What I love about you is…” Once the word was said, saying “I love you” just felt natural.
3. Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship?
Not with the current SO, nor with any past SOs.
How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her? After the first kiss, though I didn’t let myself admit it. (We’d been friends for the 6 months previous) When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her? He tried to say it after the first date. I shushed him and told him I wanted to wait and make sure we weren’t just giddy. A month later, we both admitted it was stupid to deny it. Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship? In retrospect, saying it at all to anyone else was not entirely true. But I didn’t know any better. I hadn’t felt the real thing. Regret saying it? Certainly not. We’ll be married next July.
Nah, he’s only known this girl a couple of months. Also, she’s 21 and he’s 33. I just don’ buy it. How can he know it’s love and not infatuation?
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but can you explain how you can know you’re in love with someone you’ve never met in the flesh? For me, a crucial part of being “in love” (not loving someone, but being in love) is the physical attraction and spark, and there’s no way for me to know if that’s present without meeting the person. Pictures can be enormously deceiving; I’ve done the online dating thing myself, is how I know. Just curious. What happens if you meet him and there’s no physical connection between you?
How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her?
It started off as just being a non-exclusive sort of thing, just for the summer. After the first two months I had to actively work to convince myself that I wasn’t falling in love with her. It failed.
When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her?
Almost three months into the relationship. We were falling asleep together for the first time, when I looked at her, and said, under my breath “I love you.” She looked at me, startled. “What did you say?” I revised my words slightly. “I think I’m falling in love with you, too.” She smiled in the darkness. “Oh…I think I’m falling in love with you, too”.
Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship?
Too soon? Yeah, probably. Not in this relationship, but before. But it’s never messed up a relationship.
Regret saying it?
Nope. We’ve been together for a little over a year.
How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her?
It was about a month and a half into Round One (we’re six years into round 2, thanks!
When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her?
Summer '99. I was 18 years old, and full of heady idealism! It took a year to mature, though.
Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship?
I was worried, yes. It was the only time I said it first. Turned out to be all good though!
I realized it long before I was actually in the relationship. First time I kissed her, I knew… and it was a long time after that before we were really together.
I think the first time was while we were not technically dating, and she got so upset at me over something that I thought we were going to stop being friends. I told her if she’d made her decision, well, I loved her and I’d always be there if she changed her mind. I think she thought I meant I loved her as a person/friend. I waited for her to admit she was in love with me before I said it again.
Nah. I always wait until I know it will be well received.
I started falling for him long before we ever went out. It was the night he asked my roommate out, she flatly (and rudely) turned him down. I was outraged at her for hurting him. Needless to say, one of my friends got me rather drunk that night. I also packed away those feels as he had a thing for someone I cared about and it would just be messy … like that ever works.
A week after we started dating, after we had sex for the first time and he was still telling me that he loved me and it hadn’t been a ploy to get me in bed.
My first boyfriend said it to me on our first date. The relationship only went down hill from there. Never felt the need to tell him I loved him, as I didn’t. I didn’t even like him much.
The only time I ever regretted it was driving away in tears as boyfriend stood in front of his apartment, crying, as I left Boston for California. That was shortly fixed by him moving in with me. We’ve been happily together for more than a year.
How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her? Month and a bit, maybe.
When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her? Month and a bit and a day, maybe.
Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship? No.
Regret saying it? No.
How long into the relationship with your SO did you realize that you were in love with him/her?
I’m honestly not sure. I began to suspect it within a few days, but I’ve always been quick to take to someone, sometimes confusing lust with love. I think I was sure a few weeks later.
When did you first tell your SO that you love him/her?
Probably a couple of weeks.
Ever said it too soon/ think saying it messed up a relationship?
Nope.
Regret saying it?
Nope.
Been together about 4 and a half years now.
