When did you first say

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, I’m in a bit of a quandary here, so let me explain. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about four months now, and it’s a pseudo-long distance thing, as she lives a little over an hour away, so we only get to see each other on the weekends, or if we make special plans. We call one another a few times a week, and for once, I actually enjoy talking on the phone to the person I’m dating (which is a big thing for me, I hate talking on the phone). The time we spend together is very important to me, and I miss being with here all week long, and I’ve actually initiated the topic of my moving to the city she lives in for various reasons, including proximity to her. I’m starting to feel so strongly about her, and our relationship, that I have a sneaking suspicion that cupid might just have hit dead on with one of his arrows, but I’m uncertain about it because it has only been four months. Now I told the last girl I dated that I loved her after a long night of drinking and immediately after sex, in that falling asleep/passing out haze (it was a mutual indulgence), and I didn’t really remember saying it until she asked me the next evening “Did you mean what you said to me last night?” Well, there’s only one correct answer to that question if you want to keep on seeing the person, so I said told her I did…which was kinda true, but that gets me into the whole “what are the various types of love” problem. I think that was the wrong way for it to happen, and I don’t want to put myself in that position again, but I think I might have really found THE ONE, and I was just wondering what you dopers out there have experienced.

So, to sum it all up, when did you first tell your SO that you loved them, and when did your realize that you
were in love with them? What’s the best way to tell them and not have it be an awkward situation?

2

Well, it sounds like congratulations may be in order. If it all works out, Congrats!

I told my SO (who was soon there after my fiancee, and now my wife) that I loved her after about 2 months of knowing her. Now, we were together in a school in Italy and were with or around each other every day. So, our time together was quite concentrated. I also first asked her to marry me after about 3.5 months (although I didn’t make it official for about 2.5 years later). 3.5 years later we were married.

A bit of a caveat. I met my now wife while I had a GF. I had told her that I loved her too. So, the way I think of it, I told her that before I knew what real love was, plus I think I was a bit lonely when I met her.

So, take it for what it’s worth.

3

The best time to tell someone you love them is when it’s the truth.

Bear in mind that if you think it’s the truth, then it is. If you’re not sure, make up a word for in between deep friendship and love.
I don’t know why we insist upon saying “there’s like, and then there’s love,” when obviously there are many stages in between.

But if you’re worried about the way she’ll take it, you can drop subtle hints and hope she brings up the “L-word” first. Or you can close your eyes, pinch your nose shut and jump right in.

Do you think she’ll be receptive? If so, then go all out. There have been times when I wasn’t sure if I should say it, and it turned out that by the time I was ready, it was too late.

OTOH, there have been times I’ve said it too soon and had to force myself into feeling emotions that I didn’t want.

Now that I’ve thoroughly confused you, good luck. And I must say, congratulations for finding a woman you care this much for.

4

Monkeylucifer, my situation was very similar to yours.

My now-husband and I lived in different cities for the first year of our relationship, only seeing each other every 2nd weekend. Phone calls were our dates and emails were our courting.

I knew he was the one after only 2-3 weeks. I was talking to him on the phone one night and as I was listening to his story I realized I wasn’t really listening, only thinking about how wonderful he was, how much I cared about him, how lucky I was to have found someone I felt this way about. So I just blurted it out.

He made his goodbyes quickly and hung up, stunned!

Called back 5 minutes later and told me he loved me too. Been together ever since (5 years)

Good luck!

5

I was dating the love of my life (and husband to be) for about 2 months when I realized that I was in love with him. I didn’t say the words though.

We had been dating about six months when he told me that he loved me. It was fairly casual but it meant a lot. We had gone away for a weekend and were chatting and drinking margaritas outside of a mexican resturant. I think the words meant more because they had taken so long to come. I knew that it was true.

(FWIW he said that he knew he loved me after the third date. He just wanted to take things slowly because we were going to be together for a long time.)

6

Monk - Do you know that feeling when your entire body is about to burst because you’re so damn excited and if you don’t say this you won’t be able to sleep because happy thoughts about her just make you smile and the smiling keeps you awake and you find the words almost slipping out of your mouth whenever you talk to her?

Yes? Tell her.

No? Don’t.

But that’s just me.

7

UncleBill, that is almost exactly what my sister told me when I asked her opinion on the matter this afternoon. Is she feeding you suggestions? :eek:

I think that’s the answer, though. I’m just gonna wait until I feel like I HAVE to say it, and then I’m just gonna take it from there…I think.

8

<hijack>

on an aside, she still does this now, only it is just to tune me out … I talk a lot … smile … I love her lots though so it is all good.

</hijack>

9

Unless you are ready for some pain,make sure feelings are mutual. I have suffered this pain. You do not want to suffer.

10

I don’t exactly have a current SO. My last one I don’t think I ever said I loved her, though I was very fond of her.

I told my first SO I loved her . . . after a few months.

Booker57 said:

Unless you are ready for some pain,make sure feelings are mutual. I have suffered this pain. You do not want to suffer.

Better to suffer and know love than to live in dullness and not. I don’t regret loving or the pain it’s caused. I’d be surprised to find someone who did regret loving.

11

I’ve “first” told my guy that I loved him three times, based on the three times I’ve been involved with him.

  1. I had a mad crush on him from the first time I saw him, and I first told him so in a small café on St-Denis Street (an ideal place for this sort of thing, actually).

Then we broke up, then we moved in together, which brought us to:

  1. I told him I loved him again on the sofa in our apartment.

Then we broke up, then I moved out, which brings us to:

  1. I told him I loved him while lying in his arms in bed in the middle of sex. Another good place for this sort of thing.

We have a weird relationship. We’re definitely not boyfriends anymore. At least I’m not. Been there, done that. It just doesn’t work. And we’re too intimate emotionally to claim that he’s “the guy I’m seeing.”

Basically, we have sex and we love each other, but there’s not really a formal relationship as such. Strange, yes?

12

You’re one of the most fun and thought-provoking people I’ve ever met, matt.

I have the same sort of relationship with my best friend. Yet there’s no formal relationship.

Except we don’t have sex.

13

Uhm…thanks, but I’m not worried about that part of it, as I’m pretty sure that’s not gonna happen. I’m pretty damn sure she feels the same way about me, and if she doesn’t quite feel the same way about me, I’m sure she’s not gonna hurt my feelings intentionally. You have to take some risks and put your heart out on the line sometimes, or what the hell is the point of living?

14

I’d been seeing my now-Hubby for about a month. I spent the night at his house one evening, and the following afternoon, after he came home from work, he asked me if I had meant what I said that morning.

Not being a morning person, I wasn’t sure. I’m barely coherent when I wake, so I asked him what I had said, and he replied that when he told me goodbye, I had said, “Okay, honey. Love you.”

These words had never passed between us. I blushed, and felt that momentary dart of fear . . . what if my sentiment was rejected? What if he found it odd that I said I loved him after being with him for only a month? Finally, I took the bull by the horns, and said, “Yes. I love you.”

And he said, “I love you, too.”

I think that may be the best moment of a new romance . . . the first time you hear those words, and feel a little rush of relief, a small elation. That’s the most thrilling feeling of your life. To know that your feelings are requited, and you don’t have to stifle them, or conceal them any longer. You are free.

Last year, we celebrated our first wedding aniversary. We were in Paris, sitting on our balcony. We could see the Eifel Tower with all of its lights, all of the stars . . . truly wonderful. As he opened a bottle of bubbly, he turned to me and said, “I have a confession to make. I hope you’re not angry. But I have to tell you . . .”

“What? What is it?”

“Well, the first time you told me that you loved me . . .”

“Yeah,” I laughed. “I was asleep!”

“Well, I lied.”

“You did?”

“Yeah . . . I was so in love with you, but I was afraid. I wracked my brain trying to think of a way to say it that would leave me sort of an ‘out’ if you didn’t feel the same way, and this was the only thing I could think of. If you had just laughed, and said, ‘Can’t think of why I would have said THAT!’ I wouldn’t have put my ass out on the line. I was worried if you didn’t feel the same way that if I said it, it might make you feel uncomfortable.”

I was a bit irked at first, but then I thought it was sweet that he was so shy . . .

I still think, however, that you should say it as soon as you feel it. Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead. By not confessing how you feel, you’re deluding yourself in thinking there’s a future for your relationship. If she turns you down, then at least you know, but if you’re just floating on the assumption that she does love you, then you’re living on borrowed time, and planning a future that might never be. If she requites your feeling, then you can start planning in earnest.

15

Well I have never taken the word “love” lightly. I haven’t since an abusive boyfriend claimed he loved me.

My husband and I knew we were getting married within 6 weeks of dating. We had spent nearly every hour of every day together for those six weeks as well. The moment I knew was when we were laying on my bed talking as usual and all I could do was stare at his lips hoping he would kiss me. He and I were so in sync with each other. We could talk for hours and hours and never get bored. It is still the same way. We agreed on most things and he could read my mind.

SAying the three magic words was another thing altogether. I sat with him on the edge of Lake Eola at night and explained the signifigance of the word love to me. I explained my past with other boyfriends and how I don’t like the meaning being lost.

I also told him that when I tell him, I don’t want a “I Love You too” response. I felt that it is fake when people do that. I told him that night that I loved him and that it scared me. he didn’t say it back to me for 3-4 days.

To this day whenever one of tells the other that we love each other, we don’t do a reflexative “I Love You too” response. We never have. I only want to hear it when he truly feels it.

16

I take this sort of thing very seriously. I’ve had a copule of girlfriends I was with for a year or more and never told them I loved them. Because I was never in love with them. In one case, the feeling was mutual; we had a relationship based primarily on sex. The other told me she loved me several times, and was hurt when I didn’t respond in kind. I honestly explained that I didn’t feel I could say so in total honesty, and I didn’t want to turn the phrase “I love you,” into a kind of verbal punctuation mark, the way so many people do.

I’ve had three girls I’ve really fallen in love with. And I didn’t hesitate to tell them so. All of them went on to shatter my heart, but such is life I guess.

17

I agree with those who say to say it when you genuinely feel the need to say it, but it can cause you an emotional roller coaster ride.

I told my SO I loved her after about 2 weeks of dating. I was sure about my feelings, but I was still not past the novelty of having a girlfriend and was still suprised by the fact that I was dating at all. Up until then, I had not dated for about 3 years. What was interesting was that as soon as I said it and she said it back, any romantic feelings she had toward me vanished (She told me this after the fact). It took 3 months of dating her for her to realized that I was serious and that she did love me too. During that time, if I ever told her I loved her, she would respond with, “No you don’t, you just think you do.” It was the worst 3 months of my life… not knowing if she felt the same way or not. I was an emotional wreck.

The day she finally told me, I was helping her move out of her dorm. I broke into tears, I was so happy. Funny thing, the same thing happened when I got married too.