I feel very strongly towards someone (in a positive way). I want to tell them that I love them, but don’t know the best way. How have you, the teeming millions handled this, and how long have you known/been an item with said person?
that is so wierd…I have been contemplating the same issue.
I have been seeing B for 4-4.5 months now.
It was supposed to be purely sexual…my idea.
He came over one night at my invitation, and after chattign for a while(flirting) I stood up and said “well its late, and I am going to bed, are you coming or going home?”
He came, and came, and came…
Anyway, we are far more than that now.We often spend the night together without doing anything more than cuddle…now I fear I may be in love. I just escaped a long dysfunctional relationship, and I dont really want to be all tied down & shit. But at night, when he holds me real close and I feel so safe and treasured, the first instinct is to say “I love you…”. But I dont.
I cant quite remember how I first said it to my ex…and yes, I believe the human heart can love many.
Back to B. He is solicitous of me, my needs and my feelings, he is great with my kids, they love him to bits, and he helps around the house.
- the problem - he doesnt go down.
At all.
yikes! And that is vital to my continued sexual well being…and he doesnt mind being the receiver (if you know what I mean).
I can not help you…I cant even sort out my own stuff, sorry.
I’ve always just waited for the right moment and sprung it on them. I wait til it’s pretty painfully obvious that I totally dig her…then it just kinda slips out. On the same note though…if you’re in a relationship for months and pretty much spend all your free time with her. And she hasn’t said a peep to you…hmmm you could just not be on the road to love’ville.
-Damien
Wonko, my man, this is a serious issue. How long have you been seeing her? Did you start out as friends or was it set up as a date or was it the instant attraction thing? Is this a person you want to be spending a very long portion of your life with? What are your intentions? Have you guys made love yet?
Sorry for all the questions, but to me, saying “I Love You” to someone is essentially saying “I want to be part of your life for a very long time.” Maybe I take it too seriously, but hey, that’s me. Give me some more info, man!
Here’s how it happened for me, I REALLY didn’t want to get involved with anybody, in fact, I had laid out a plan for my life alone, and it was a good plan too. Met this guy, jumped him a couple of times, didn’t really think I was doing anything dangerous, I certainly wasn’t going to give up my plan.
It was not uncommon for me to say ‘I Love You’ in casual conversation whenever anyone said anything I thought really great, male or female, it didn’t really matter, it was just an off hand comment. Well, the day came when he said something really great and I spit out ‘I Lo…’ before I could stop myself. We were alone at the time, and while I did stop myself he knew immediately, and spent the entire day trying to get me to admit that I was about to say I loved him, I, of course, denied it vehemently. To no avail however, he knew the truth, and while it took me months to admit it, it was true. I have been with this man for 15 years now, and while we have never married, I am proud to say, I didn’t change the plan I had for my life. Who knew you could find a man happy to accompany you on your lifes journey no matter how strange. In truth though it’s not really in the words, anyone can say them. It’s in your actions. After all if you say it and don’t mean it your actions will give you away. Don’t know if it helps but it just proves that when you least expect it you can get dealt a royal flush. [ :o ]
BunnyGirl- I have only been seeing her for about 2.5 weeks, I tend to feel my emotions very strongly. I was attracted to her from the first time I met her, and we seemed to get along pretty well. She asked me out, and I was nervous, but I definately wanted to go. I really like her, and would be very happy to spend an extremely large portion of my life with her. I mean yeah, I don’t know her that well, and I am probably over-reacting, but like kellibelli says, it just seems normal to tell her that I love her. We spend time together almost every day. We have not made love yet, but I am waiting until I am married, and best I can tell, she feels the same way. If you have any more questions, sling 'em my way!
Wonko:
How old are you?
It’s VERY rare to be in love 2.5 weeks into something (Though no unheard of).
You don’t want to scare the poor girl off.
Just take it nice and easy.
AAUUGGHH!!! Do NOT tell her you love her after two and a half weeks! This is practically the number one sign that a guy is a psycho stalker type! (Not that I think you are a psycho stalker type, Wonko, but trust me, unless this girl is extremely young and innocent, her first instinct will be to run like hell.)
Before you decide that you are falling in love do me a favour. Take asperin, and MOVE at least 1000 miles away! Do not attempt to fall in love it is worse possible thing you can do to yourself…and FOR NOTHING! Love does not exsists it just pure Fucken shit! I recommend prefrontal lobotomy before falling in love.
The eventual cycle of marriage and divorce will hurt and break you.
Unforgiven
Frumpy and Fretful- I realized while I was writing my reply that 2.5 weeks seems a rediculously short time to be in love. It is just that the emotions are so strong! Mebbie because I have little experience with this sort of thing. I have not dated much, and not for 3 years. I think your advice is good. Gypsy, you seem a bit pessimistic- am I just imagining it? Regarding the whole psycho stalker type thingy- my personality type is probably far to passive and non-violent to fill that role. Perhaps my feelings are just infatuation. I dunno, but I suppose time will tell.
With the first girl I fell in love with, I waited until we were dating for six months before I uttered the words. My rationale was that until I was sure, saying them too soon would only cause problems. Sixth month anniversery, we went out for lunch, then for a walk. During which, I gave her a ring (not an ‘event’ ring, just a nice ring) and say “I love you.” She was quite happy. She later confessed that she’d been waiting for me to say it, but she was afraid to say it to me in case I didn’t feel like that.
My advice: Wait a few months. Maybe not as long as I did, but give it time and make it special. You only get to say it for the first time once. At which point, make it part of a nice evening, not the central event.
“I guess it is possible for one person to make a difference, although most of the time they probably shouldn’t.”
The problem with saying “I love You” too soon is that if this is a good, healthy, normal relationship, six months from now you are going to feel 1000X more in love. But you won’t be able to tell her, cause you already blew the big line. (“I love you even more” lacks the impact, don’t you think?) I’d wait. Plus, if she dosn’t love you (and she may not. Or even more likely, she may be confused and ambivilant at this point, or simply not ready to define what she is feeling) you are putting a lot of pressure on the poor thing. She may well feel she has to lie to you or leave you, two options that will make her feel like a bitch. You don’t want to make her feel like a bitch, do you?
Jophiel- I like your advice, it seems sensible and thought out. I will be going with your advice on telling her. To the teeming millions- How did you know you were in love? After thinking about it, I don’t think I am, I think it is just the exitement and -newness- of the attraction between us (though, I could be completely wrong- it has been known to happen). Was it how you felt about the one you love, or perhaps you have some examples of what you did for them etc. or mebbie you have a better idea- whatever.
Manda JO- Good point.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend over this. And trust me, I loved him a whole bunch, given that he’s been my best friend for years. But sometimes, love just isn’t enough. We’re back to being just friends now, and that’s cool. I’m glad I tried this out, because I would have hated to always wonder what it would have been like.
But yeah…I need the whole package, and sex, although not the most important part, is important. If he’s selfish with that aspect, he’s probably selfish with others as well. It’ll just be a matter of time until you find out. Do you really want to spend your whole life giving and giving and never receiving just because you feel safe and protected? You need to be his equal.
well I havent posted here in awhile but I have been coming back and reading some posts. this one I HAVE to reply to. If you love her just tell her. why hold back?? life is short! I cant understand why people alwasy want to wait till the time is right to say things. when you feel something as strong as love thats the time to tell the person. why waste time. for all you know (AND I HOPE THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN) something could happen to either of you today or tomorrow or next week, whenever. then what? You will never had the oppertunity to tell this person how you felt. seize the day and the moment. Maybe Im a hopeful romantic. I guess I am. But all I know is I never hold back from someone that I love. whether it be 2 weeks 2 months nor 2 years. When I fell in love with the wonderful man Im with now, I told him when I felt the need to tell him. And he told me also. maybe it was “too soon” by some peoples standards, but to me it was just perfect. I guess my point here is do what YOU feel is right. and if the person does not like what they are hearing then maybe they are not the right person for you.
Some random thoughts…there’s “falling in love” and then there’s “loving”. Big difference sometimes, and a lot depends on what you–and your lady–are up for. Sounds like you have the “falling etc.” done: the romance, the zing, the excitement and potential. The “loving” is the lasting Real Thing.
My advice? Be honest and be honorable, to yourself and her. Keep it light, but tell her you’re falling fast. It’ll give her a chance to consider her feelings and yours. If she wants to take it slower, well, then you both readjust your steps in this dance–or switch partners. Hey, this has kept life interesting for several thousand years! Best of luck to you both.
Okay, every party has a pooper, and so here I am.
You’re gonna hate me for saying this, but I must tell you, two and a half weeks is not enough to decide even if you really LIKE somebody, much less love them.
The fact that you’ve been alone for the past three years is what makes this all the more suspicious.
It is our nature to want to be coupled up, part of a greater whole; to be loved and cherished is what we live for in many ways. We all long for that completion.
Regardless of what the books and movies and what’s on tv and all your friends and family tell you, love, real love, true lasting take-it-to-the-bank stand-on-it-forever love is not the coup de foudre. What you’re feeling is . . . I dunno: lust, relief, happiness at having found someone, perhaps. Infatuation.
When you’ve been without love for a long time, it can hit you very strongly. You can compare it to being lost in the desert for a very long time – when you find the oasis you won’t sip daintily; hell no, you’re gonna throw yourself into it bodily.
And so . . .here you are.
Even though it feels very real to you, it’s not; it’s not based on anything but your hunger and the fact that it’s all so damn marvelous right here and now.
I think perhaps we need all this passion at the beginning because if we didn’t have it we wouldn’t put up one another long enough so that we really could fall in love. Love takes time . . . and knowing someone . . . and trusting them . . . and still liking them, even when the glow fades and the passion is a memory. To love someone even in the face of all their annoying little quirks and faults. . . to see the stuff about them that just PISSES YOU OFF SO MUCH . . . but it’s okay . . . that is love that’s real.
This is how people can grow old . . . lose hair . . . gain weight . . . slack off on the hygiene . . .and it doesn’t matter.
(Real love is pretty powerful.)
I’m not discounting that passion can flame over and over again, btw; just that it’s the sparkplug that gets the engine of love started. But to keep things running, you need more than sparks.
Enjoy this while it lasts, knowing it for more and less than love. If it grows into more, fabulous. Don’t try to force it to be more; real love grows over time. If it turns out to be less, to be need and infatuation, it’s okay to acknowledge that. People grow together, people grow apart, and we’re in each other’s lives for a reason. Maybe not always the reason we originally think, but there’s that greater lesson in all we do. Seeing the greater lesson (and getting it) takes time.
It’s okay to want to be loved and understandable to be thrilled right now, but this is just the first dance. You’ve got a lot of steps ahead of you. Try to enjoy all your moves.
Good luck to you and your beloved.
your humble TubaDiva
Ready for the next dance . . . hoping it’s the tango
handy, the love master here & ready.
First, since ya all define what ‘love’ is in your own way [ain’t never found 2 people that gave me the same answer] no one can answer for the guy.
But I can take a chance that what the guy meant by ‘I love her’ was that he wanted to get to know her more & wanted her to know that that is what he wanted.
Ask her out for coffee dude, least she could say is ‘no’ in one form or another. Shoot, some girls say ‘no’ but mean ‘yes’. Also be forever persistant, that often gets a girl more than anything.
Ahhhh, love. It’s cool. As for knowing when one is certainly, absolutely, positively in love? That varies from person to person. My husband and I knew it pretty fast, like in about 2 weeks. But that was us. We got married less than a year after we met, but again, that was us.
I certainly know where you’re coming from, Wonko, having been there myself. But I’d still wait a bit on telling her. Just because it happened to work for me doesn’t mean it will work for you.