In some states, the police can arrest him for making threats of violence, and HAVE to arrest him if he gets physical. This happened after some victims of domestic violence killed husbands because the police could not take action if they did not see the person in action.
The most famous case is The Burning Bed, the story of Francine Hughes. Her husband Mickey was known to the police, and they would not respond to her house without backup. But since they never saw him hitting her (the fact that she was bloody and bruised didn’t prove a thing), they couldn’t do anything.
I am sorry and I am sure you heard it that way, but that last bit sounds like bullshit. It goes smack against everything I know about police procedure.
This occurred in a rural area in the 70s, and the laws as well as social mores were different. The movie is credited by some with changing opinions in the US.
Police procedures were very different in 1977 than they are today (although I suspect that it was the police wouldn’t do anything* ,* not that they couldn’t). Another case is Tracey Thurman , who sued the Torrington CT police department because they ignored domestic violence reports and failed to enforce court orders against her abusive husband ( and if my memory is correct, on one occasion they actually watched without taking action as he continued to assault her )
Forgive me, as I did not make myself clear. I have no doubt that police might (especially in that time and place) not want to get involved in a domestic dispute. What I am disputing is the claim that police have to be occular witnesses to physical violence before they can act, and that a bloody bruised woman who makes a claim of battery would not be sufficient for them (legally speaking) to commence an investigation.
OP checking in. I’m making an appointment to visit a divorce lawyer today. The thing I’m most scared of is financial. I don’t have a job and since I haven’t had any ‘real’ employment for a long time (stayed home raising the kids), it’s very hard to find one.
In most cases of simple assault we will not sign complaints if the incident is not witnessed. It is a misdemeanor and the parties have the option of signing complaints. The exception is with domestic violence. If there are signs of injury we are required to make an arrest. Its been that way for a couple of decades.
Then you deserve alimony in addition to child support. Are you going to get it? That’s up to your lawyers and your husband. But this is exactly what alimony is for - supporting the spouse that has been home with the kids and has no job experience. That was the agreement you guys struck, and alimony is supposed to help you get on your feet.
Good luck. This is going to suck more than anything you have ever done before. But, I hope that this thing ends well for you. Be strong and keep the faith.
I drive, and it never occurred to me that shutting off the engine while driving would be exceptionally dangerous, except in heavy traffic. I’d have assumed that the car would coast to a stop, but otherwise handle normally.
Seems like someone who’d never shut a car off while it was driving would not know how it would react if shut off while driving.
Take me, for example. I drive every day. Yet until reading this thread, I would have assumed the car would simply glide to a stop. Now, if you’d asked me to think about it a second time, I would have then been like “Oh yeah, no power to the engine, it’d probably stop pretty fast.” But that would have been my second thought. My first thought was definitely to think it would just glide down to a stop relatively slowly.
The thing people have to remember about shutting a car off is this. I’ve had the distributor cap blow on my car…and your car completely shuts down. Number one most important thing? Your power steering shuts off completely and your car immediately begins to drift in the direction you were point. Woe betide if you are moving into another lane and there’s a car behind you, because now you have to wrench the steering wheel - no more gentle movements to get it to go. And it will stop…there is no getting it going again.
I was lucky. There was no one in the right lane (I was in the middle lane) and I was able to slide my car onto the shoulder. But it was HARD and it was scary as hell.
Well, that sucks. I’m usually one of the first to advise someone to run away from any kind of violent person, don’t take no shit, etc. But I know that in a marriage, with children, and complications and such, there are no easy answers. I trust that you know yourself, your husband, your marriage, and your situation enough to know what is best for you, so I’ll just wish you peace and happiness in the long run. I’m sorry this is happening.
You may find that you will be contacted by Child Protective Services. If you want them on your side, you need to be prepared to demonstrate to them how you are a going to prevent your children from being endangered by this man again.
Glad to hear you’re contacting a divorce lawyer. I was going to recommend that you NOT leave the house, except as a last resort. It makes more sense for him to leave the house, being one person with a job versus 1 SAHM and 4 children. A restraining order would achieve this, but I’d only go that route if you think he won’t voluntarily pack a bag and stay with a friend or family member. You most likely have grounds for a restraining order, though (talk to the police to make sure).
You will almost certainly get alimony and full child support, with your husband’s rap sheet. Fact is, you don’t get to abandon your ex-wife if she’s been raising your kids and cleaning your house and forgoing career advancement for years for the sake of the family. If worse comes to worst (can’t get a restraining order, he won’t pack a bag and move out for awhile) and you DO have to move out, you should contact area churches. One will almost certainly set you up in a free apartment for 6-12 months. That happened to my cousin with her three kids, and she was neither a religious person nor a member of the church that helped her. I would try hard to avoid a shelter at all costs, due to the number of kids you have. It’s going to be a really stressful environment, you might be living among drug users, thieves, and stinky homeless people. Not to mention, it’s hard enough to keep track of ONE kid in such a chaotic environment, much less 4. Talk about herding cats!
It’s definitely possible for abusers to do it “on accident,” by the way. Thinking that their argument and his shoving of her was 100% premeditated is pretty silly, unless he’s been doing it for years. But whether it was or wasn’t premeditated doesn’t matter, because it’s happened before, it’s happening now, and must be prevented from happening ever again. Escalation is a very, very real possibility.
