My ideal watering hole

Often when I’m out to sea and things slow down a bit, my thoughts turn to all things perfect.

I’ve yet to find a perfect tavern. My ideal place would include:

  1. A fireplace with overstuffed, leather covered chairs with adequate lighting for reading. Today’s papers, magazines and a selection of books would be available. This area would be serviced by a single waitress. Only drinks would be served here.

  2. A bar set away from the entrance of the establishment. There should be no TV at the bar. There is no radio. There is no jukebox. Mental games/puzzles (on the order of Hi-Q, bent nails, etc.) would be available. Conversation should be encouraged and a manditory stool shift for patrons every hour to facilitate meeting a variety of patrons. The bartender should be a middle-aged male, preferably with children, and would be required to read the local paper, USA Today and the New York Times prior to reporting for his shift. There shoul be at least ten beers on tap. Four of them would rotate every two weeks. Shots would be served in tumblers, not shot glasses.

  3. There will be a “gaming area” near the front of the establishment, preferably overlooking the street through a mullioned picture window. Felt top tables for cards, board games, chess an the like would be against the window. Board games will be available for patrons’ use. A step closer to the bar would be tables for light dining. The menu would consist of light foods. No typical bar foods, such at fried cheese, hot dogs, poppers would be served.

  4. There will be a decent selection of wines, brandies and ports.

  5. There should be a coat check. If I need a pack of cigarettes, this attendant should be available to run my errand for me – for a decent tip, of course.

  6. A “sporting room” would be separated from the main bar and located at the back of the establishment. This room will be visually and acoustically isolated from the main room. A second bar would be manned during televised sporting events. At other times, that electronic quiz game which is shown on the TVs would be available. Video games (such as trac-ball golf), pool tables, shuffleboard, and arts will be available.

  7. Service and ambience would be the staff’s primary concern. If I want something, they’ll get it for me.

Ah… if only it were.

Psychic editing service provided by KKBattousai. [smiley omitted at the psychic request of the OP]

Ummm. Excuse me, which way to teh dance floor?

No dancing allowed!

Ya wanna dance? Go down the street to TGIFriday’s or drive to another viatic dive.

chief scott, you said stool shift. thats funny. but whats funnier is the pub in albany, ca (next to berkeley) has most of what you require, plus a comprehensive yet discriminating selection of fine tobaccos. believe they even have a tv room for sports. its a great place. it doesnt serve hard liquor, or much food, and it has no coatcheck person. youd like it a lot tho, id bet.

Oh, yes!

  1. Fine cigars would be sold. You’d be allowed, in fact encouraged to smoke. Maybe a designer whiskey and cigar combo, or some such. No one would give you dirty looks either, or they’d be asked to leave.

I know a quaint little joint with an outdoor redwood deck with fireplace, compy chairs, crisp country air with a slight scent of cow poop (just enough to be good, really), a fully stocked bar, a nice hot jacuzzi secluded in the trees, a BBQ grill loaded with sizzling fat steaks, a very attentive barmaid/cigar lighter/masseuse/waitress, lots of candles, and you WILL get “dirty” looks.

Chief Scot you are my new best friend. You see, I also have put way too many hours into considering this very thing. My vision is a little different though.

Firstly, there is a small inlet, in some tropical clime, with a pretty if tiny secluded beach.

The building itself must be thatch, with a view of the sea, I’m sure you know the type. Very high ceilings, opens up onto the beach. Not a really large place, more intimate. The fabrics would all be beautiful balinese sarongs of multitudinous bright colours. Comfortable rattan couches and chairs. A comfortable bar with a view of the sea, even in bad weather. Ceiling fans no aircon. At night mostly illuminated with candles and torches.

Now it’s not a large place really, there’d be a roofed area over the pool table in the sand. Picture hammocks swaying. Of course there would have to be a fresh water shower.

There would be a killer stereo, well concealed satellite dish, some sort of internet connection, big screen tv, dvd. All of these would be concealed behind colonial shutters. Of course there’d be a telescope, maybe one of those computerized dealies.

Books, books and more books, all my favorites. I love old books, traveller journals from the turn of the century, odd reference material. Maps, maps and more maps, atlas(es?) of all shapes and sizes, dictionaries amany. Newspapers and magazines too numerous to mention.

My SO and I have many years of bartending behind us so what’s behind the bar remains for us to decide, no doubt it would change depending when you show up. Suffice to say
we would have a rich wealth of curious and interesting choices, not to mention only the freshest tropical juices at hand.

As we will be living upstairs, or in back, the hours of this establishment will be whenever anyone turns up, pretty much until they are ready to leave. Quite possibly we would put up a few guest bungalows to accomodate friends and generate a little pocket money. No more than two or three, very basic cottage like facilities.

There would be plenty of big inner tubes, lounges, and hammocks and beach umbrellas available. And fruit trees and plenty of flowers pretty much run amok over the rest of the grounds.

I think some sort of minimal and challenging boat access would really help.

As I would be living there, I would put in some sort of small kitchen, and definitely a BBQ, but I wouldn’t really be interested in making food for the patrons. I would much rather encourage the local youngsters to hang about, so I can lend them my 90cc bike to go and fetch whatever the guests desire from amongst the local delicacies. I would tip them heartily rather than chain myself to the work of running a real kitchen.

I haven’t got a name yet, but I’m thinking about it.

Oooo, yeah! Internet access in the gaming area! I want that for my tavern too!!

And Diane, if that’s an invitation, I’ll be your love slave!

Did I mention that the very attentive barmaid/cigar lighter/masseuse/waitress also moonlights as a mistress to love slaves?

A dungeon!

That’s what my place needs… a dungeon!!