Often when I’m out to sea and things slow down a bit, my thoughts turn to all things perfect.
I’ve yet to find a perfect tavern. My ideal place would include:
-
A fireplace with overstuffed, leather covered chairs with adequate lighting for reading. Today’s papers, magazines and a selection of books would be available. This area would be serviced by a single waitress. Only drinks would be served here.
-
A bar set away from the entrance of the establishment. There should be no TV at the bar. There is no radio. There is no jukebox. Mental games/puzzles (on the order of Hi-Q, bent nails, etc.) would be available. Conversation should be encouraged and a manditory stool shift for patrons every hour to facilitate meeting a variety of patrons. The bartender should be a middle-aged male, preferably with children, and would be required to read the local paper, USA Today and the New York Times prior to reporting for his shift. There shoul be at least ten beers on tap. Four of them would rotate every two weeks. Shots would be served in tumblers, not shot glasses.
-
There will be a “gaming area” near the front of the establishment, preferably overlooking the street through a mullioned picture window. Felt top tables for cards, board games, chess an the like would be against the window. Board games will be available for patrons’ use. A step closer to the bar would be tables for light dining. The menu would consist of light foods. No typical bar foods, such at fried cheese, hot dogs, poppers would be served.
-
There will be a decent selection of wines, brandies and ports.
-
There should be a coat check. If I need a pack of cigarettes, this attendant should be available to run my errand for me – for a decent tip, of course.
-
A “sporting room” would be separated from the main bar and located at the back of the establishment. This room will be visually and acoustically isolated from the main room. A second bar would be manned during televised sporting events. At other times, that electronic quiz game which is shown on the TVs would be available. Video games (such as trac-ball golf), pool tables, shuffleboard, and arts will be available.
-
Service and ambience would be the staff’s primary concern. If I want something, they’ll get it for me.
Ah… if only it were.