So there I am, Saturday night – OK, more like Sunday morning – lying in my GF’s bed, trying to get to sleep. GF is already asleep.
I hear a banging on the neighbor’s door. A loud, insistant, knock. “Oh great”, I think to myself. “The neighbor’s are having another all night party.” More knocking on another door. Then on GF’s door. Then on the neighbors on the other side. So whoever it is is making the rounds of all the apartments. At first I thought to ignore it, but then I wondered if there were a fire or something. So I get up and look through the peephole.
“Hey, I see you!” says some college kid in the hallway. He approached the door and started banging on it. “Tell him to get out here! Tell him I want to talk to him!”
I enjoy a mild buzz from the second-hand ethanol wafting through the peephole before closing it. “Who are you?”, I ask.
“No, who are you? Open up!” bang bang bang bang
“I think you have the wrong apartment.”
“No, you have the wrong apartment! Open up! I’ll kick your ass!” bang bang bang bang
“Go home, pal.”
"No, you go home! You go home! I’m gonna waft gently so very fishing boat banana jumping pie nose (that’s a paraphrase – it was something that made less sense) bang bang bang bang
“Who are you and what do you want?”
“Oh yeah? Who are you? Who are you? Let me in!” bang bang bang bang
“Do you want me to call the cops?”
“I’m going to call the cops!” bang bang bang bang “I’m going to call the cops!” bang bang bang bang
At this point I felt like I was no longer equal to the intellectual pressures of the conversation. I was about to go for the phone when I saw that my GF was up. She asked who it was, when drunken intruder shouted something about “Get that cock out of your ass, bitch”, and then he started banging louder and considering the use of more offensive profanity. I decided it was no use to continue to try to reason with this paragon of humanity, and so stood by while he tried to break in and GF dialed 911.
I never noticed when the banging stopped, but after a while one, then another, then a third cop car pulled up out front. There was no activity on any front for a good 15 minutes, when the cops asked to be buzzed in. The two officers explained that the guy had a little too much to drink, and a college liason was taking him back to his dorm.
I was going to ask why the fuck the crazy fuck wasn’t thrown in jail for the night, and by the way, what the fuck kind of cop uniform allows blue jeans, but seeing as the bigger cop was about 8 feet tall and weighed 400 pounds of pure mean, I decided I’d had enough excitement for one night.
We went back to sleep.
At least I got a good night’s sleep last night, right? Well, except for when I had to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. As I walked through the hallway I heard an infant human calmly talking. It was very articulate, but through the haze of drowsiness, I couldn’t make out the words. It sounded like “Me oh my, why are you me oh my oh wow?” Looking around for a baby that by all logic should not exist, my eyes settled on the cat. I wanted to say “Belle! You learned how to talk! How fascinating! The worlds of biological, social, and animal sciences will be turned on their ears by such a remarkable development!”
But in my sleepy haze, all I managed was “Um… excuse me?”
She replied “My, my, my, oh, my. Huck. Huck. Huck.” Splat
