My move to the retirement facility (If joining the thread late, at least skim the first few posts)

In My Humble Opinion
161

No kidding. My sleep has been crap the last week. My fitbit confirms this.

Yesterday my cleaning lady and I went through the laundry room in the garage where the movers put stuff when I moved to this house 10 years ago. I threw away tons of items that I had been moving from place to place for many decades. Since I don’t have any kids and I’m not famous, no one is going to want letters from high school or art projects or even some scrapbook pages that belonged to my dad. All went in the trash.

I might start a separate thread about the extent to which we consider certain possessions if not a part of our identities than at least a support to that identity. For example, trophies you won, your diplomas, love letters, art works that you created. I guess people in Hawai’i and California who have lost possessions in the recent disasters are sadly finding the answers to that.

I came across some things that I thought were lost forever. A high school friend of mine wrote (and published) a novel in the early 1980s. It was pretty forgettable except she named a character after me. And then later she used my last name again for another character-- the two were not related. (Thelma Jones and later Mary Lou Jones) When I pointed out the second one, she was surprised and unaware she had done that. It was pretty flattering. Yeah, this friend is gay.

I also found a treasured book that I thought was lost, Prayers from the Ark by Rumer Godden. Every one of the poems is so beautiful. I can’t read The Prayer of the Dog without crying.

The Estate Sale guy is coming in half an hour. I must secure Tikva, probably by putting her in a carrier so he can see the whole house. She’s going to be even more pissed. But at lease she’ll be pissed IN THE HOUSE!

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The Prayer of the Dog - Carmen Bernos de Gasztold

Lord,
I keep watch!
If I am not here
who will guard their house?
Watch over their sheep?
Be faithful?
No one but You and I,
understands
what faithfulness is.
They call me, “Good dog! Nice dog!”
Words…
I take their pats
and the old bones they throw me
and I seem pleased.
They really believe they make me happy.
I take kicks too
when they come my way.
None of that matters.
I keep watch!
Lord,
do not let me die
until, for them,
all danger is driven away.
Amen

Carmen Bernos de Gasztold (1919 - 1995) France
> Translated by Rumer Godden
> Source: Prayers From the Ark

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Perhaps tonight, after everything else is done, have a glass of wine / harder stuff / otc sleep med and get a solid 8-10 hours. Sure you can’t “catch up” on sleep, but a solid nights sleep can take the edge off the fatigue.

As for the accumulation of stuff, I’ve been experiencing the reverse for the last 3-4 years. My parents (in their 80s) downsized their residence and have had increasingly serious ‘talks’ about when they pass. In that time period, anything I had left from high school in their home was shipped, mailed, or dropped off (or picked up when we visited). I have been told to drive down sometime in the next 6 months to cart off more stuff, and to talk about anything on property that I want for the future.

I mean it’s practical, and they raised me to be practical (which I failed at in some ways, but still manage to do for the most part) as well, but each time I’m just taking it all down to the unfinished basement/huge crawlspace under the house.

And M and FiL do the same, but at least they live in town. Last time I was down there though to replace the furnace/AC filter, I saw all the boxes and realized that almost all of it was just unneeded. Heck, there are 2-3 boxes of VHS movies (not personal videos, just mass market stuff) that I cannot imagine having any future use.

But you’re absolutely correct, there’s probably 1-5% of the stuff that would be heartbreaking to lose, it’s just lost in the sheer volume of STUFF, like the framed certificate I got 30 years ago for winning the local academic decathlon in high school.

164

HOORAY for Tikva. Her paw looks very happy poking out from beneath the bedspread.

I’ve thought a bunch about this. FWIW, here’s my thoughts.

After my first wife died I went through and took pictures of all her and all my old stuff that we’d saved since forever. Then threw 100% of both our physical histories in the trash. Net of a few things that were saleable which were in fact sold. I now own darn near nothing older than 2 years.

I’m not sure it was the best thing to do. But I’m a lot lighter in the saddle mentally and physically. I’m certain it was a good thing to do. For me. I offer it as an example for your consideration.

I also think it would have been impossible for me to throw away her stuff post-death without also doing mine to be fair and respectful to her and her memory.

Nor were she still alive now would it have been easy for me to pitch mine without a powerful impetus. “Leave it be” is so easy and so seductive. The stuff may be financially valueless, but it’s also by definition irreplaceable. I’m not getting any more high school trophies or whatever.

The challenge is to separate “irreplaceable” from “therefore must be kept”. Your stuff does not define you. Your history is a lot of what defines you, but your stuff is not your history.

Your impending move can be that powerful impetus. That stuff may have been part of your life, but it isn’t part of you. There is life after stuff; I guarantee it.

165

Sobering thoughts those

I have one child. My three siblings had none, so my daughter is (pretty much) our sole message to the future. I figure to leave her an SSD drive with a lot of photos, videos, and family histories — and of course she’ll get her choice of whatever artifacts she wants to preserve.

All we are is dust in wind, but humans seemed programmed to not embrace that belief too tightly.

166

HOORAY!
There is little so stressful as needing to get a shy cat back in the house with a deadline looming. I’m so glad you can check that off your list.

167

She knew you were there. She suspected (correctly) that she knew what you were up to.

Glad that she’s in! (Though a little corner of my mind is glad that she got one last good time outdoors, for as long as she could stretch it. Thinking of you, Tikva, with a whole lot of sympathy; but you’re better off with ThelmaLou, wherever she’s going.)

Tail, tail, I can see the tail – (also a couple of paws. But it often seems to be the tail that’s still showing.)

168

Thank you for posting the photo~made this crazy cat lady laugh out loud. Still smiling when I think of it.

169

@ThelmaLou I’m hoping you get whatever passes for “a breath” for you before the home stretch.

I’m hoping the move goes off without a hitch, that the technology piece in the new place is dead reliable and lightning fast.

I’m hoping that the cats basically decide “now, THIS is the life I was MEANT to be living!”

But most of all, I’m hoping that the transition works well for you … in every way – that the apartment ‘fits’ better than you ever expected it would, that the sense of community – likewise – exceeds your expectations, and that one day … very shortly after you start waking up there … you start wondering to yourself … why you didn’t make this move sooner.

We’ve got your back, TL.

I held off saying it until you got Tikva back, though :wink:

170

These are such sweet and caring comments, y’all-- thank you so much. :revolving_hearts:

Yes indeed. She does love being in the back yard. She spends time in every part of it (not just under the house.) How could anyone NOT love a yard like this? :sob:

That would be so great-- if all of us wind up thinking that way!

Yeah, this is true…

This is my fervent hope. And now that she’s in, I feel sure my Tikki will crawl up in bed and snuggle with me.

Btw, congrats on that! :trophy:

171

LOL, thank you. It was important to me at the time, and now it’s just one more piece of heavy stuff taking up space. My minor academic success in southern NM is, as you pointed out yourself, important to no one else. But in my wife’s words “If your parents ask you to take your old stuff away, the only answer is “yes” and “how soon”?”

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I always sleep better with at least one cat on the bed.

Especially if it’s a cat who’s been AWOL!

173

She immediately went in my bedroom closet as soon as I began her detention. I haven’t moved anything in there or made any changes. I wanted her to be able to go someplace that was completely familiar and exactly the way it has always been. In the past, she has spent all day in there. As long as she’s in the house, I don’t care where she hides out.

Sleep well, everyone, humans and beasts! :sleeping: :sleeping_bed:t3:

174

Well, I guess five and a half hours of sleep is better than the three I’ve been getting the last few days…

Tikva’s first night in was not restful for either of us. On the upside, she still apparently likes me, did get in bed with me, and stuck to me like glue, but she was so restless that I had to put her out of the bedroom in order to get any sleep at all. The last few nights she has been a nocturnal animal in the company of the possums and raccoons in the yard and is still on that timetable. Right now she’s running around the house and bouncing off the walls. But that’s only one source of my agitation. (Still so so glad she’s in, even though I’m sad for her that she won’t be going outside ever again…)

Next issue: Okay, friends, talk me down from the ledge on this one. The guy who does estate sales for the company that is moving me came by yesterday and I showed him the things that I would be leaving behind, in general. I thought there was some pretty good stuff here. I thought it would make a pretty good sale. When we got to the end, he said you don’t have enough here for an estate sale. The bottom line is that his group wants total value of stuff in the range of $6-7K. I don’t think all my worldly positions together, excluding my car, add up to that much. He said the value of all the stuff I’m leaving is probably about $1,000. The set-up expense on his end would not make it worth his while. I could totally see that. So what he would do is after I vacate the house and leave behind the things I don’t want, his company will haul everything to Goodwill or Salvation Army or wherever. They would clear everything out, empty the house, sweep it out over a period of two days. He estimates they would charge me about $2,000, depending on how long it actually takes.

It’s not that I am in desperate need of the money, thank goodness. I mean, I wouldn’t look a couple of thousand dollars in the eye and tell it to go away. But I don’t need it to get by or to make the move at this point in my life, as I certainly would have in my younger days. All the stuff was paid for long ago, and I don’t have one penny of debt in this world. The $$ would be gravy and would probably go toward buying more crap that ultimately someone will have to haul to Goodwill after I croak off (when it will be NMP).

I was just so shocked that a sale wasn’t even worth bothering with. I understand why perfectly: setting up a sale, pricing, advertising, staffing it… it’s labor-intensive to the max. What these people do is bonafide estate sales (not “yard sales” or a “garage sales”) where people move from a 10-room house to a two bedroom apartment and sell 90% of their possessions. Or when someone dies and everything in the house is for sale. They also want things of value beyond what I own, stuff like lots of furniture, art, antiques, fancy glassware and dishes, good jewelry, kids’ things, and of course firearms. The apartment I’m moving to is only slightly smaller than my house, and I’m taking all my furniture and everything that’s hanging on the walls. I do not have it in me to have any kind of a garage sale on my own.

But what this means is that the appliances that I thought would sell, now I guess I’ll just leave them for my landlord. Like a gorgeous refrigerator that I bought to replace my old one, a washer that is 13 years old that still works really well, my old fridge that is in the laundry room (a second fridge is a very handy thing to have), my whole backyard full of furniture that you saw some of in the picture I posted yesterday, a gas grill, and things that, frankly, I wanted to deprive him of. I have white cafe curtains in all 21 windows in the house. The plus to that is the less stuff there is for the estate sale company to haul away, the less they will charge me, as they bill by the hour. I know these are only things, and they’re not precious things, because I’m taking the precious things with me, the things that I really care about. I’m just so shocked by this.

My cleaning lady is coming back this morning. At one time she went to a church that sent things to a sister church in Mexico. I’m going to see if they would like to come and take whatever. Also, around here lots of people sell things at HUGE local flea markets. She may and she probably knows people who do-- my small collection of odds and ends would fill out someone’s inventory nicely. (I doubt if my two electric menorahs would be very popular in that crowd…). I have nothing against Goodwill or any of the big charities, but if selling some of these things can put cash directly into someone’s pocket, I kind of like that.

Any calming, uplifting, positive, “Be of good cheer, Charlie Brown” comments that can help me cope with this new wrinkle? I just want to feel better about this whole thing. Even the estate sale guy (who was absolutely lovely and sensitive) said he wished I was looking forward to this new chapter in my life. I told him I was sure it would ultimately be okay, it’s just that the thing was so sudden, and I’m sad about leaving my life in this house. But it was sweet of him to notice how down I was about everything. He deals with people in my situation all the time. I guess more of them have been planning for a while and are more upbeat at this point.

Another issue: I talked to the manager of The Home and asked her, among other things, how many people will have a key to my apartment? The management, of course, but she said they will never come in unless it’s a situation where no one has seen me for days-- which makes sense. There is maid service once a month and she has a key. Also, occasionally maintenance people might need to come in and she said, “They would always leave the front door of the apartment open while they work.” :scream: I said, “No one can ever come into the apartment unless it’s scheduled and I’m there. I will need to put the cats in their carriers before anyone can come in to do any work, including the maid.” The idea of my apartment door standing open fills me will screaming anxiety. I know there are other people there with cats so the staff must know about this potential disaster. The said housekeeping and the maintenance staff will be aware of the animals in apartments. Not to mention, I’ll have that doormat. (Another frisson of sadness about having to deprive my cats of the outdoors…forever… :cry:) I will need to be aware of the cats’ whereabouts at all times. I usually am anyway, but now it will be critical.

Not move-related, but distressing: my 93-year-old adopted mother (of the last 50 years) Mary Lou, who lost her eyesight a year ago and moved into assisted living a few months ago (also leaving behind most of her possessions, which were likewise deemed not enough for an estate sale) is suffering from kidney failure and on hospice care. Her 93-year-old husband is going to be absolutely lost without her. Widowhood is a massive blow to anyone, but at his age… The doctors have given her 2-4 months if she declines dialysis-- and who would blame her if she did? In any case, she’s not likely to make it to Christmas this year… :sob:

I’m wearing out the sad emojis.

Pre-dawn ruminations are hardly ever happy thoughts…

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This is a lovely idea!

On the cats - how old are they? I’ve noticed that my elders, even the former barn cats, generally hit a point where they don’t want to go out and are happy hanging inside and snoozing. Mine have access to a cat-fenced yard, so they are semi-contained but definitely still have outdoor opportunities if they want them. All this is to say that they may surprise you about how not-a-big-deal this is. Try not to stress over it - they have YOU and that’s the most important thing.

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The estate guy seems honest. After my MIL agreed to move from her 5-bedroom house where she was living alone (FIL is in a nearby senior care facility), my wife wanted to move quickly to sell the house, with the proceeds going to fund both of their needs for the forseeable future. MIL took some stuff to her 1-bedroom apt, but left behind a lot of family stuff, like photo albums, framed family pictures, FIL’s medals from his service in Vietnam, his personalized mug from the employer he had for 40+ years, etc. We removed that sort of stuff before the estate sale. The estate sale was over two days but requires about a week of prior set-up, and she kept half the proceeds, plus another amount to clear-out whatever was left over. It was a massive success in our eyes, and a huge releif - the house was emptied and we netted an amount that covered some roof repairs, painting some of the interior, and carpet cleaning. So, there was no $$ left over, which greatly disappointed MIL. She thought her stuff was worth more, but got over it pretty quickly.

Anyway, I like your idea of letting people in your circle or network know about what you are not taking to the new place. I am sure someone will benefit from that.

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That makes a whole lot of sense to me. If you can connect with the right people, there should at least be somebody who won’t charge you to take things away. And they’ll be going where they’ll do some good.

I am so sorry!

She stuck to you like glue. You’re sticking to her like glue. That’s what matters here.

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She’s here and it turns out this isn’t happening any more. So I guess when everything is gone to the new place, I’ll just let people come and take what they want. This should decrease my removal bill a lot, especially since the bulky appliances and yard furniture will stay.

I think you’re right. I’m just in a stressy place right now.

More later…

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Thelma Lou, I continue to follow the story but have nothing much to add. That’s largely because you’re taking care of this difficult situation remarkably well. You clearly started planning immediately upon being informed of the situation, and were well organized beforehand. You moved quickly to locate a new place to live and plan your move there. I could not have done as well as you so quickly and would be an utter mess right now if I were in the same position. You have my utmost admiration.

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Thanks for those kind words. Planning on the outside notwithstanding, I am an utter mess on the inside right now. But your words are uplifting and I appreciate them. :kissing_heart: