My Mundane and Pointless Life (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

On Thursday i’m going to meet with a researcher to see if I can get in on a study for a new antidepressant that isn’t on the market yet. There are several reasons for this. The first one is that my current anti-depressant, zoloft, is not working. Zoloft is the 253rd (ok, maybe not that many) one that I have tried. Actually, this is the second time that I tried it. Both times it worked for a period of weeks to propel me to a state of normalcy that I have rarely known before plunging me deeper into the depths than I ever care to go. So right now, as you may have guessed, I’m down here in the depths. The second reason for me to get into the study is because I am self-employed, depressed, and obese. These three things make it nearly impossible to find health insurance at all, let alone affordable/reasonable health insurance. I have a very crappy plan with Kaiser Permanente that is extremely expensive and covers very little. I found out the other day that my wonderful plan has a $1000 per year presciption cap. I just got the plan, and in one month’s time I have already used over $200 worth of prescriptions. So I was hoping to get into this study and get some free drugs for awhile.

In the past couple of weeks I’ve been having a tough time with doing anything. Especially tough is leaving the house. My boyfriend lives an hour away from me and he is unable to drive. So, if I want to see him, I have to go there. Well, currently, I really don’t want to go there. I wigged out Friday evening, but finally made it there on Saturday and spent the night. By Sunday morning when I woke up, I was in a panic and wanted to go home. I managed to force myself to stay until about 1 p.m. and ended up leaving while he was taking a nap.

When I got home, I sat and watched the House marathon that I had recorded on USA and just generally sat on the couch and cried. I talked to him once on the phone later on and that was it. In the evening I was not doing well at all. When I’m not doing well I communicate better, if at all, via email/online. So, I sent him an email saying that I loved him and that I was sorry that I couldn’t be with him. But that I needed his help to get through this, etc… (He knows about my depressive history up to this point.)

I haven’t heard from him yet. Rationally, I know that I shouldn’t be freaking out about this, but I am. I have been having my doubts about this relationship for awhile now, anyways. But I seem to get caught up in the vicious cycle of wondering if I’m having doubts that are legitimate or doubts because I’m depressed. I still don’t know. Not helping is the fact that his ex-girlfriend told me about a month ago that he supposedly said that he’s only dating me because I buy him things. He said that it isn’t true, and I believe him about 99 percent. But I’m wondering why someone would make up such a specific lie.

I know, I’m rambling on now. I just feel lost, sad, heart-broken, and confused.

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Purplkid_Caterer, I send you psychic hugs. It is no fun going through it alone, with no-one close by, and I feel for you.
If you ever need a chat just PM me your email.

Take care, x

3

Good luck. I hope it works out for you.

4

Because ex-girlfriends are often bitter hollow shells? :stuck_out_tongue:

Seriously though, I hope you’re feeling better soon. Sending some more of those lovely psychic hugs.

5

Thanks for all your kind words. They do help.

6

I just woke up from a nap about an hour ago. When I woke up I had a text message from my dad to text him back when I woke. I did and he eventually called me. He and my mom are at the emergency room. She’s been having chest pains since yesterday and he took her to the hospital. They did and EKG and she didn’t have a heart attack, but they’re keeping her for a little while to do some more tests. My guess would be that it is stress related due to their impending divorce, bankruptcy, and possibly losing the house that we have lived in for 30 years.

I called my boyfriend to tell him the news. He was concerned. I asked him if he’d read my email and he said yes. Then eventually I asked him why he had never responded and he said that because he was half asleep when he was reading it and maybe when he wasn’t so tired that he would answer. I think this is a lame-ass answer, but considering my current state of mind I’m sure that I would say many things that I didn’t really mean if I started in on him now. He did try to placate me by saying that he misses me and wishes that I was there.

You may wonder why I’m writing this instead of rushing to the hospital. I half wonder that myself. But I think it’s mostly so that I have time to compose myself and get a grip before I head there. I don’t think I’d do my mom any good showing up there as a basket case.

More later.