Ok, not all of them. Just the ones who post absolute crap.
Why the fuck do they post this stuff??
My “open letter” to said posters (I’m sure the overlap between said posters and dopers is approx. 0.00%, but I’ve got to start somewhere…):
First, remember that you are posting into a highly competitive environment. There is some insanely awesome stuff on YouTube. YouTube viewers live in a world of instant gratification. We viewers live in a world where with one click we can view that which is astonishing and otherwise rare to be found. We are spoiled rotten. Keep that in mind.
On that note:
DO NOT edit an overly long, complex, amateurish introduction onto the front of the clip. Nobody cares that you know how to create swirling and fading titles and wipe cuts. Nobody cares about meaningless details that have no relevance to the clip. We get “it”: You’re clever. But guess what: Nobody cares. Just show us the goods. We want the money shot. Just because you have the latest video editing software on your computer doesn’t mean you are Steven Soderbergh.
ASK YOURSELF: “Is this clip, by any measure conceived, going to be interesting to anyone in the fucking slightest?” And I don’t mean, to you. Nobody cares if you like it. I mean, is this going to be interesting to anyone else on Planet Earth (and Mars too, I just heard they got DSL). Think long and hard about that. I’ll start you out: Nobody gives a fuck if your cat falls off of a coffee table. Nobody cares if your Grandpa snores (unless it is literally shattering windows, then put it on YouTube). Nobody cares if if you throw a water balloon at someone and it doesn’t break. Nobody cares if you videotape someone jumping out of a cardboard box. Nobody cares.
INVESTIGATE whether or not your new-found, amazing clip has already been posted 800 million times. Ask yourself, “Gee, I pulled this amazing clip off of CNN. I wonder if anyone else on the planet has had the brilliant foresight to post this on YouTube already”. I assure you, the answer is “Yes”.
Oh yea, and what’s with accompanying the video clip with that high-fructose, hyper-manic techno dance music??? I’m going to let you in on a little secret: It’s fucking garbage. Absolutely. It drives people mental. It licks donkey balls. Right now, somewhere where they have donkeys, there is a donkey frozen in his tracks by the sudden and overwhelming realization that he is part of something greater than himself. He valiantly struggles with furrowed brow to grow a third ball specifically intended for lick-age in this matter. Good little donkey. So, unless your clip is actually set in a nightclub, leave the “DJ FuknTalntlessS” audio at home. Save the donkeys. Please. Pretty Please. Anymore techo and I’ll be scooping my ears and eyes out with a spoon.
Still on music, PLEASE don’t accompany your video with a song that was burnt out 1000 years ago. I mean, ok, so you did a “Troop Tribute” video. Great. Don’t accompany it with “Welcome To The Jungle” by “Guns ‘N’ Roses”. I mean, what, do you actually think that we are going to realize: “Wow!! What a visionary and cultural quantum-leap you just made by associating that song with that video!!! Wow! Do you see what he did there? The video shows troops fighting. And it IS like a jungle, after all, man. And he matched it up with “Welcome To The Jungle”!!!”… Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you’re not exactly single-handedly rescuing Western Civilization by playing the lonely, single-candled monk creaking his old bones down into the archives to check that the rain water isn’t dripping on the manuscripts. I was burnt out on “Welcome To The Jungle” when you were still smearing your poop on the wall while contemplating no further than whether it was the horizontal or the vertical strokes that had greater artistic merit.
And another thing (and this is going to blow your fucking mind): When you title your clip: “Alligator rides unicycle while doing long division”, I want to see AN ALLIGATOR RIDING A UNICYCLE DOING LONG DIVISION. I don’t wanna see no crocodile, I don’t wanna see no regular bicycle, and I don’t wanna see no fucking calculators. Abacus?.. maybe. An Alligator using an abacus would be alright, I guess. Ya dig? So that means if your title is “Can of Beans Explodes in Camp Fire”, ask yourself, “Self, does this clip specifically and, in fact, exactly show a can of beans that is, in fact, exactly NOT exploding in the slightest?” If the answer to that question in any way resembles the word: “Yes”, then RE-TITLE THE CLIP or, better yet, DON’T post it! For example, this is a “Jet Pack” video. Thisis not. Review. Rinse. Repeat if needed.
Get it together, morons.
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