I’ve had the Clockwork Orange-esque procedure.
My father had a chalazion (is that how it’s spelled?) or two, and I had several in a row that went away on their own, so maybe I got congenitally small oil ducts or something. Anyway, back in about 97 my left upper eyelid got one about the size of a pea in it. The entire lid was constantly red and irritated, and it looked shockingly horrible, and I finally had to go to a doctor and pay him to remove it. (I was in grad school at the time and had no health insurance.) The gruesome details:
I had it done at one of those “minor medical” places. I lay down on my back and the doctor or a nurse or someone shot two shots of novocaine each into the upper and lower eyelids. I think this was the most hideous experience of my life (so far).
I lay there for about twenty minutes or so while the novocaine took effect, and then the doctor and an assistant or two came in and got busy. They put a clamp on my upper eyelid that pulled it all the way back, exposing the underside of the lid. This was of course to let them get at the chalazion. Then I think they put a clamp in there to hold the lower lid back, but I’m not sure about that. Either way, my left eye was propped open and unable to avoid looking straight up into the doctor’s face.
The doctor took a scalpel and just started scraping. He was conscientious about it, never letting me see what he was scraping out, but he was making occasional faces that let me know it was pretty bad. At one point I said something like, “Uh, how’s it going?” (I was mainly trying to show him I was tough, but I remember my voice sounding like I might have been crying.)
He answered, “Uh, just scarping a bunch of stuff out of there. It, uh, looks like cottage cheese.”
I didn’t ask him any more after that.
The surgery didn’t take very long, maybe ten to fifteen minutes at most. When it was done they put a bandage on my eye and told me to “be careful driving home.” I hadn’t thought to bring a friend to drive me, so I drove home with one eye. Don’t do this.
After that my eye cried blood tears for a few hours, which was actually kind of cool, and then I was fine. I did the hot-washcloth treatment regularly for a while, but I stopped after a while and I haven’t had any trouble since then, I don’t think.
Cost: About $75, as I recall, which seems like a bit of a bargain for even a minor surgical procedure. Maybe it was $175.