My Recent Personal Problems: Insomnia And Sex.

I’m in the beginning stages of a bout of insomnia. I get these bouts about once every two years. They tend to last about three weeks to a month. It’s really not that bad. I mean, it isn’t something that is terrible. It’s not as terrible as everyone makes it out to be. If I could try to describe it in as few words as possible, it feels as if I am insulated from the environment around me. I’m witnessing it, but not participating. There is a fine layer of gel covering my whole body in a cocoon. It insultes me, it slows me down, but it is comforting at the same time. Things don’t bother me as much, and my tolerance to heat and cold is expanded. My thought process is slower, but at a more regular tempo. I appear more calm, if not subdued, to others - like someone who just had a seizure. It slips me into a slight depression, but my thoughts are more clear.

I don’t know what causes these occasional bouts of insomnia. I’m no more stressed than at any other time. No illnesses. It just arrives like an unexpected guest.

But the biggest thing about insomnia is that it fools with your sense of time, and the rate at which it passes. Suddenly, it doesn’t matter that it is 2 am, and dark out. You need scotch tape right now, and there are no stores open. I’ll look up at the clock, and then again five minutes later, only to see that two hours have passed, or vice versa. Sometimes it feels like time has stopped and reversed. There is no beginning and end to a day. The morning is simply an extension of the previous night. The morning is the same as the night, just a couple hours later.

My other current, and long term personal problem, is lack of sex. Despite the shield of insomnia above, the sex problem still comes through loud and clear. I am married. I have been married for three years now. I can pinpoint the exact moment when my wife decided that she didn’t like sex anymore, and I recognized this as a problem. It was on the second day of our honeymoon. Yes. I know. Despressing.

The conversations and arguments about this subject are so well worn between us that they have become condensed down to an angry look on my face, her saying, “What’s wrong?” Then me saying, “Problem.”

We are at a stalemate. She doesn’t like sex, just like she doesn’t like Tapioca pudding. No amount of Tapioca will make her ever like it. I’m averaging it less than once a month. Sex, not Tapioca. I nag her. She looks annoyed. She gives in. If it is against her will, then it feels like I am raping her, and she cries. But it is not worth it to wait up to three months for 5 minutes of spoiling something that should be much better. The longing and desperation on my part, during the times inbetween, seems pointless - to long for something that will only disappoint me.

But I have never been lucky in the realm of sex. I’m going to be straight with you all. I’m average, if not better than average, in physical attractiveness. I have a healthy and realistic image of my body. I’m also funny and witty. But my unluckiness in love has been my own fault, but not for lack of trying.

Early on, I broke up with my girlfriend in high school to join the Marine Corps. That was basically four years of celebacy. I then met my wife coming right out of the Corps. So it has been just one long term round of celebacy after another since high school. And, it’s my own damn fault.

Thanks for listening.

I hate to trot out the obvious, but have you tried counseling? She could have some trauma in her life, you know. If she doesn’t go, you should go alone.

That having been said, she may not be the woman for you, my friend. If she can’t at least try to accomodate you and try to learn…well are you going to spend the rest of your life married to someone that won’t consider your needs? Consider what happens if you do have sex - and she gets pregnant then you guys break up? Now there’s an innocent life involved.

Okay, so I have a little trouble sleeping now and then, and don’t sleep well at all if not sleeping in my own bed…but I can relate more to your sex problems (unfortnately!).

I’ve shared this around here before. My on and off again BF of six years has been somewhat on again for about a year now (we don’t live together and he travels alot for work). During the past two years however, we have rarely had sex because he has developed erectile dysfunction. He is 10 years older than me and drinks and smokes heavily. We are not, I feel, very close anymore these past couple of years because of the serious lack of intimacy. I suggested in the beginning we just try orally pleasing each other and such, to ease his concerns over not being able to “get it up”, but he lacks libido as well. It’s really sad and I feel bad for him, I truly do, but it’s killing me as well. I’m a very sexual person (and he knew this from the beginning) and having to temper my wanting to be intimate and touchy-feely with him is very difficult.

I can sympathize with your lack of sex and it is not a pleasant situation to love someone and want to “be” with them and have them not want to or be able to “be” with you as well. Fortunately, I’m not married so if it came to ending the relationship, though difficult after six years of being with someone, it would be (in my opinion) different/easier than going through a divorce (which I’ve done as well). Though I’m not saying lack of sex alone is justification for divorce – though some would say it is.

I wish you the best. You’re not alone!


P.S. Do you find yourself attracting people that you KNOW would have sex with you? I have, over the past couple of years, been propositioned by several (not bragging) that suggest I need to be in a more sexually satisfying relationship (and they’re willing to “help out” - lol!). It doesn’t make things easier, I’ll say that!


I have similar bouts of insomnia, but I’m weird, I kind of like it. It’s like being in a club or something. I go to Waffle House and drink coffee (something I never otherwise do) smoke cigarettes and do the crossword. Or shuffle around Wal-Mart at 3am. Or play PS2. But, like I said, I’m a freak.


I’d bail on that so fast. . .

“How YOU doin’?”

Yes. Definitely. That is one of the harder parts about this situation. I find myself fantasizing about previous girlfriends, probably looking for something that they gave me, that my wife currently lacks. It also hurts because this problem came out of no where, and happened two days after we were married. So, I feel like I was hoodwinked in a big way. Now, it’s going to cost me dearly to get out of it.

Present company excluded, reading these boards about this same type of situation tells me that a majority of women do not enjoy sex. The best that a man can hope for is a woman who can tolerate it enough to accomodate him.

Bruce Daddy, you are right. Insomnia is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s like an alternate reality. Time is no longer a process. It is more like an object on my desk that I can play with. I am no longer constrained with my 11 PM bedtime. I can get so much done, and still survive on three hours of sleep. Now, if you don’t have insomnia, don’t start depriving yourself of sleep to try to attain this. During these periods of insomnia, my body doesn’t seem to need sleep, therefore I don’t crave it.

Chicago Faucet, I know where you are and it sucks. Big time.

Fortunately for me, my problem resolved itself. It’s very hard being in a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn’t like sex as often as you do. I can’t even imagine being in your situation.

You have my deepest sympathies and respect. Honestly, I couldn’t stay in such a marriage.

I love sex.

Right now I am in a relationship that has somehow been going for almost 2 years. In that time, my b/f and I have rarely had sex, because he would rather take care of business himself than come to me. He can usually rattle off a few good excuses at a time as to why this is the case, most of which place blame on me. I’ve suggested counseling, but he doesn’t feel he has a problem, to which I say :rolleyes:. Needless to say, unless some serious changes are made or miracles are worked, we likely won’t be a couple much longer.

That made me lol! :wink:

Because you were, it seems, "hoodwinked, I’m sure it does make it all that much more hurtful. Sorry.

I don’t fantasize so much about EXs, so much as I get them telling me that I should get out of my situation or that they will “help me through” (if you know what I mean). THAT is hard. But I do find myself fantasizing a lot more, in general…entertaining ideas I shouldn’t, and so forth. I know - - I’m a sinner!! (I have the t-shirt! lol!)

It’s funny you say that (I know I’m excluded in your comment by the way! lol!)…because if asked, I would say that most of the women dopers here would say the opposite. I thought there were a lot of nympho dopers like myself, personally. Oh well - - we’ll see, your thread is still new…

:slight_smile: Yogini

I agree with Elenia. Counseling is definitely in order here. When she married you, she must have thought that your life would involve sex? Did anything traumatic happen on that 2nd day of your honeymoon? Did you have satisfying sex before you were married?

By the way, women do enjoy sex. All the women I know do. I do, very much. I cannot imagine going more than a week without sex. Surely that alone would keep me awake at night.

Just a note. I’m not one of the “lot of nympho dopers”-- too old for that. I guess I’m just a dirty old woman.

By Chicago Faucet:<snip> " a majority of women do not enjoy sex. The best that a man can hope for is a woman who can tolerate it enough to accomodate him."

My experience says otherwise. I think you are telling yourself this as a form of consolation for your current unhappy situation.

“Now, it’s going to cost me dearly to get out of it.”
I’m truly sorry that you are stuck in a bad deal, but you can get out of it. How much money is a happy life worth? Pay whatever the cost and get yourself free.

If you are single, and look around, there are plenty of happy, healthy women out there that appreciate a good physical relationship.

I’d say do the deed and split up now, while you still have long years ahead to enjoy a woman who appreciates what you appreciate.

Good luck to you.

Chicago Faucet, most if not ALL of the women I know have very healthy sexual appetites. Me included. With my ex, it was a case of me bugging him incessantly. We had sex once every five or six weeks. It was infrequent, but at least it was over way too quick. :rolleyes: Difficult to get worked up about something that lasted just under 5 minutes.
If counselling isn’t a workable option, at least talk with your wife. See if you can draw her out, get her to explain to you exactly what it is about sex that makes her so unwilling. Maybe it isn’t you specifically, but if it is, then at least you have an opportunity to correct the problem.

about the insomnia: I get it every few months like clockwork. Lasts a little over a week, goes away. I do enjoy it…there’s a surreal quality that I find difficult to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced insomnia.

I’m going to need a list of said nympho dopers. My email is ini my profile. :wink:

“I’m going to need a list of said nympho dopers. My email is ini my profile.”

Same here.

Seriously. I was probably flying off the handle when I made the generalization about women not liking sex. I know the stats from the books that I’ve read on the subject. They say that this is pretty much equal between the genders. I’m probably noticing it only because I am sensitive to it. And, John Carter, you are probably very much correct that I am manufacturing a defense mechanism against my own unhappiness.

We have gone to counseling. We started going six months into the marriage. We went for a couple months, until I figured out what the counselor was trying to say to me. On our last visit the counselor said to me, “Well, if you didn’t need it so much, this wouldn’t be a problem.” Yeah. That was our last visit.

Since then, nothing has changed.

[Another Generalization] Sheesh, why do women change as soon as they get married? [/Another Generalization]

DUDE!!! :eek: :eek: :eek: The counsellor actually came out and said that? That’s unbelievable.
I wish I knew what to say. Unfortunately, if your wife isn’t willing to even try, or at least tell you the reason for her feelings, you’re stuck in a no win situation. Which sucks. No pun intended. I hesitate to add this, because I think ultimatums usually just add to the problem, but have you told her that your lack of a sexual relationship is putting such a strain on the rest of your life together that you are considering leaving?

Chicago Faucet I’ve heard that ramdom statistic that 80$ of counselors are inneffectual, 10% are actually helpful and the other 10% are harmful.

If you really want to be with this woman you should try another or several different counselors until you find one who “fits”.

Physical intimacy between a man and a woman is a natural and important part of the relationship and seems to go hand in hand with emotional intimacy. If she’s not willing or doesn’t like to have sex with you it could also be an indication of a deeper emotional problem. Or maybe your libidos are just hopelessly mismatched. If it’s just a libido thing then there are ways to come to a loving compromise of the situation but I don’t hear anything in what you say that sounds like you’re happy or you love her. (of course I might be reading too much into that)

When I was young (in my 20s) I had all sorts of hang ups about sex, mostly because of my relationship with my father and other things. It took me lots of therapy and self-help stuff to be comfortable with my body and comfortable with the fact that I have a very strong libido.

I hope things get better for you. You deserve to be happy.

I have to agree with Mama Mo (Maureen). Most of the women that I know DO enjoy sex. Are you guys young? I do remember than when I was younger, it was not quite as enjoyable for me. (Young being between 19-23). It didn’t help that my (ex) husband would make me feel uncomfortable about the whole thing, and made fun of me about not wanting sex as much as he did in front of our friends.

If the problem doesn’t lie with something that happened when you guys were on your honeymoon, maybe something bad happened before that.


I hate to say this to the women complaining that their man won’t have sex, but if he’s not getting it from you it’s pretty likely that he’s getting it somewhere else. I had this same situation where I was with a guy for a year and he had no interest. He claimed “erectile dysfunction,” but I never quite believed him. Long after we broke up I found out he had been seeing someone the entire time.

After a few months of no sex, I’d break it off or go find someone to have an affair with. But then, I am mean and wrong. :smiley:

Indy, just curious, but why would your man stay in a relationship with you, not have sex, but have someone on the side he was having sex with? Wouldn’t it be easier just to break it off with you and be with the other person? That’s odd to me. You don’t have to answer that if it’s too personal - - I just find it odd, that’s all (there’s probably a good explanation or reasons, I just can’t imagine).

I kinda wish there was someone else, it would make it easier to have an excellent reason for breaking up. But in our case, I know he’s not cheating - - not because I’m in denial of the possibility…I just know he’s not. If you knew him and me, our situation, our lives, you’d know too (not that I need to convince you or anyone else). (To explain a bit: when people discuss cheating I get a bit defensive because my current relationship is very different from those I’ve had in the past - - and probably because I’ve both cheated and been cheated on. But I also believe that not everybody cheats. Some people think that’s naive, but I disagree…I know people that are devoutly monogomous-for many reasons.)

NOTE TO SELF: Consider being mean and wrong. (JUST KIDDING - - sort of.)

:smiley: Yogini

I’m a woman, and I went from having a pretty decent sex drive (at least every other day we’d have sex, often more frequently) to a really low one. Having sex seemed like too much of a hassle or something; I’d agree to it if my husband wanted to, but it ended up only being once a week or so. Then I figured out I was depressed, and went on Wellbutrin. Suddenly my sex drive is way up to what it used to be, and my husband occasionally wants a break.

Perhaps the OP’s wife is depressed, or perhaps had some kind of trauma (rape, remembering repressed childhood sexual abuse) around the time of the wedding. Unfortunately, it can be hard for someone who’s feeling like that to seek help; you don’t want to “deal with” churning up all those bad feelings, and deny something is wrong, or resist efforts to help. I’ve described it as being like “hitting bottom” as an alcoholic - when the person reaches out for help on his or her own, then it’s more likely that real progress will be made.