To address your comment about counseling, for me it was bad enough, just making the decision to pay someone to listen to my problems. When the first counselor I saw turned out to be interested in finger pointing, rather than solutions, it was difficult for me to continue seeking a counselor who could help. I was in a relationship with someone who was physically abusive, and while it’s not the same situation as yours, I’m guessing there’s probably some shame and trepidation involved in making the decision to see a counselor in the first place. On an intellectual level, I knew it was a wise decision, but the emotional level was slow to come around.
When I finally did decide to see a counselor, my SO (at the time) and I decided to go with a male counselor. I was concerned about bias over the physical abuse, and hoped a man would be more impartial toward the SO. Turns out, I was supposed to straighten up and stay in my place, and I came out of the first session feeling like the physical abuse really wasn’t all that big of a deal, it can happen to anyone if they lose their temper, etc. Whee! FWIW, the next counselor wasn’t like that, it may be worth another shot.
Yep. What Yogini said. Strange but true, Indygrrl, there really are guys out there who don’t want it all the live long day. My ex wasn’t messing around, just has a low sex drive. And, was that way from the beginning of our relationship. Doesn’t mean there was no sexual attraction…there was plenty. We’d hug, kiss, fondle, play…and then at the end of the day, there was just no energy. :rolleyes: Sucks to get older, is all I can tell you…
A good Counselor can make a huge difference. I had no faith in counselors from some bad experiences growing up and then I went to work in a clinic. The people there were amazing and I learned there are some counselors who do know what they are doing and honestly help people. Think of them like you would your doctor - if your doctor told you that a broken leg was no big deal and it would heal eventually and you deserved it anyway because you were playing hockey - well you would get a new doctor!
I had some very bad sexual experiences and it took a lot to work through. The important thing was that I wanted to work through them. You can’t make someone want to help themselves but unless they do they will never change.
I wish you luck. A sexless marriage is not a good place to be. The resentment will eat you alive.
I have a much higher sex drive than my husband. I would like it at least every three days, he is happy with it once a month. This was a big issue for our first two years… I had someone who was so wonderful to me: sweet, sincere, caring, loving…but at the same time I felt rejected.
It has gotten better, I felt at peace with it after the marriage, and I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, after all.
As a surprise, my husband recently initiated change in our sex lives, which has increased the frequency, so there are no feelings of rejection now.
As for your story. I really don’t like that her lack of sex drive became an issue right after the marriage. Perhaps she was not aware? That is my hope. If she was aware, she knowingly decieved you, and that is not a positive way to start a marriage.
There could be a number of reasons why your wife is not interested in sex. Has she had her hormone levels checked? Is she still in love with you? Is she taking any medication? Maybe she has some so far undiscovered medical condition which may be causing lack of libido. Do you engage in other intimate activities? Do you spend time taking and listening to her (not about this subject) and having fun together? Do you even like each other?
I know it must be frustrating for you but you really should explore the reason why she is feeling this way. Just arguing about it or bugging her will not solve anything.
I don’t want to offend anyone here, but it is possible that your wife is unsatisfied with your performance, and therefore isn’t interested anymore. I had a similar experience with my last SO. When we met, it was all hot and bothered. The thrill of the chase or something. Then, magically, about six months into the relationship, I just got bored. Really, really bored. I realized that he never really did anything foreplay-wise, like he would just kiss me and grab my boobs and I was supposed to be ready to go. So I shut him down for a long time. Later, sfter talking to him about it, he got better and our sex life did eventually improve. Although I have to say that now that I’ve a had few partners since him, I can honestly say that my sex drive during that relationship was a lifetime low for me.
OMG. I’m really embarassed to say this, but I have to share my DOH! “light bulb” moment with you. I was thinking about this thread and recent replies while taking a break and making dinner…and it hit me that my BF has been moderately depressed these last couple of years about his work. I didn’t think much of it because, again if you knew him you’d just think “this is how he is” but I realize there must be something to this now that I see people having libido issues related to their depression. (I did not have libido issues when I was on anti-depressants for one year…it was a chemical imbalance that later was traced to a hypothyroid problem.) Anyway - - holy cow!! I need to talk to our doctor (and BF of course) and see if maybe anti-depressants could help. (He’s tried Viagra, but it doesn’t work - really. It’s his libido and I told him to tell our doctor not to throw meds at the function part of the problem. Now I think this might be an avenue to explore. Geez, I feel a bit foolish for not seeing this! But, THANK YOU DOPERS!!
Sorry to highjack - - I do hope everything works out for you Chicago. As you can see, and as I said before, you’re not alone!!
I am so sorry for what you are going through, Chicago Faucet. No one should have to live like that. Sex is an important and healthy part of life, and it is a shame you are being denied it. Your wife obviously has a problem, and she needs to see her doctor.
The disinterest in sex is a really hard thing to understand. I recently dealt with this first-hand. Usually it’s the female half of the couple that is disinterested in sex; well in my case it was the male half. This has never ever happened to me before! It came as quite the shock. My whole life it seems I have had to fight my boyfriends off…now it seems I would have to beg to have it, which is not worth it. I mean, I am by no means a sex fiend…but for my boyfriend, at the young age of 30, he could care less about it. It’s really depressing. I really don’t know what is wrong with him, and he doesn’t either, but it’s clear there is something wrong.
Here’s an analogy: hunger is a natural feeling/drive. Now, if someone lost their appetite and never wanted to eat, that would be a serious problem. It’s the same thing with sex. It is not normal to have no appetite, and not normal to have no sex drive (well unless you’re on a medication that causes you to lose it).
Sex isn’t just fun and healthy physically, but also very important emotionally. You should not have to live without it. It is very damaging to a relationship. As for me, I am not married, and I keep thinking…I am 28, and as I get older, I have become more interested in sex, and I have decided I am way too young to have to settle for a sex-less relationship (however, a person of any age, whether it be 28 or 88 should have to live without).
Please encourage your wife to see a doctor about this. Perhaps she was abused as a child?
Well I kind of know how you feel. When my BF and I started dating, for like the first month, the sex was great. But then all of a sudden, it was like poof, it was gone. Then I was told, “I don’t really ever think about sex. I’m just not really interested.” I was like, what!!! OhhhKaaay…
And for the first time in my life, I actually had to go without sex involuntarily! I quickly discovered how long I could go without, and it wasn’t but a few weeks before I started feeling physical signs…like a physical need for it, and it was very strange for me, because I have never had to go through that before…because all my previous boyfriends had very healthy sex drives.
And it’s very hard not to let it hurt your feelings. There’s nothing like a boyfriend disinterested in sex to make you feel like crap…sigh.
I’m going to side with most every side I’ve seen posted here.
Counselling is vital… And finding a counsellor you both connect with is the most important part of this.
Other than issues about sex, how is the rest of your relationship with your wife? Can you two talk about other difficult things?
Aside from sex, how’s the intimacy? Kissing, cuddling, love notes, whatever?
When you do have sex now, does your wife orgasm?
Do you have any idea if your wife masturbates during the time you two aren’t having sex?
Do you masturbate during the time you two aren’t having sex?
If you’re not the only one thinking about divorce there’s no reason it has to be particularly painful or expensive for either of you… you can come to an equitable parting that’s fair to both of you.
Well, it’s midnight on a work night, and guess what I’m not doing?
NO, that’s not it! Get your head out of the gutter.
I’m not SLEEPING. I’m having insomnia, remember?
Anyway, my thoughts have been racing. Here’s what you get when you put my brain in a blender, and then pour the contents onto a monitor screen:
She did fake orgasms until a year into our marriage.
She has a history of depression. She is currently on birth control pills, Wellbutrin, and Effexor. Each one was added at different times, and they mostly keep her stable.
She is 100% Italian. So, she is a hotheaded, quick tempered Guiney.
She is the youngest of two sisters. I have sensed a certain streak of being spoiled and immature in both of them.
She is nine months older than I am, and we are both in our late 20s.
She doesn’t like forplay. When she gives in to me, the act needs to be started and completed as soon as possible.
I masturbate all the time.
My porn collection is quite extensive. Lord Ashtar, you want to come over and see it?
I’m not sure how my performance is now. It used to be great. Now, well, I’m sorely out of practice.
I almost forgot. In one fit of frustration, I asked if she had ever been sexually abused or molested. She got very offended and yelled, “NO!” I have to believe her. I probably would have been offended as well.
Our sex life before getting married was at least regular. Although, right before the wedding we lived at our respective parents’ houses. At that time she did mention something about, “Saving ourselves for our wedding night.” “Whatchoo talkin’ 'bout, woman?”
She hates her job, but so far is refusing to put herself out to find a different one.
Well, because he was an asshole. That’s just the beginning. He was here on a student visa because he’s from Bermuda. He wanted to be with me so he could marry me and become a citizen (although it’s not quite that easy). I don’t know why he didn’t just marry her. It could be that his family disapproved of her, or that he just wanted to mess around. I should have known what was going on when he proposed to me in Bermuda and then wouldn’t even touch me. He wouldn’t kiss me or hug me or be physical in any way. Every couple of months he would throw me a bone (haha), but that was it.
I cheated on him because of it. I told him, too. I said there’s no way that he’s going to decide that I don’t get to have sex. I told him if he wouldn’t do it that I’d find someone who would. And I did. Needless to say we broke up shortly after.
My soon-to-be-ex went on Wellbutrin two years ago. We last had sex … two years ago. One of the side effects of Wellbutrin is to erase the female sex drive.
On the other hand, my soon-to-be-ex also hated her job, quit, and then refused to find a another one. So it might or might not be the anti-depressants.
Toss the question about other forms of intimacy back into the blender.
Add in a dash of the question about how the other aspects of your relationship are going.
Depression often lowers sex drive by itself. Wellbutrin adds to that and makes it more difficult to orgasm.
Number 6, now that one sounds like a) someone who’s been sexually abused (but you already asked about that) or someone brought up in an extreemly inhibited environment who’s internalized the belief that sex is dirty and bad. If she only thinks of sex as something that she does for you then we’ve found the big chewey center of this tootsie roll pop.
i.e. No wonder you’re not getting any… she’s not enjoying anything about it when you do, and if she does happen to get any enjoyment from it, she’s then wracked with guilt about having enjoyed having sex.
It was because of these two things that I almost ended my marriage. Things are better now, but hey - I’m being honest. Maybe she has issues with that too.
I don’t know about that. They advertise it as one of the only anti-depressants with a “low risk of sexual side effects.” Are you sure it was Wellbutrin?
So if she’s not giving him any what’s he supposed to do? Become a monk? I would think the porn/masturbation is a result of the lack of sex, not the cause.
And, I’ll never understand why that bothers some women. I think of it as a normal part of life. Why does it bother you so much?
No, no, no - that’s not what I was saying. I apologize for not being clearer.
As you mentioned as well, I have no way of knowing if the problem he’s experiencing is the cause of the porn or the result of it - I just threw it out there as a possibility. Kind of like everyone was throwing out possibilities.
And yes, porn CAN be part of a normal sex life for some people. It can also be a huge problem if one of the partners is getting nothing because of it and it is creating problems in the relationship.
There are also people who are morally opposed to it - I don’t know Chicago Faucet’s wife - so I don’t know.
THAT’S what I am saying.
And please don’t assume that I have some kind of “hangup” - I have a husband who has (well had - he is working on it) a real problem which came very close to destroying not only our sex life, but our marriage and any trust I had in him. He’s working hard to rebuild it, and our marriage, but that’s neither here nor there, and I don’t want to go into it further.
I really don’t like that her lack of sex drive became an issue right after the marriage. Perhaps she was not aware? That is my hope. If she was aware, she knowingly decieved you, and that is not a positive way to start a marriage.
Yogini
OhhhKaaay…
