Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound like I thought you had a hangup. I’ve just heard a lot of women say they have problems with a guy who has porn or masturbates. Of course I don’t know you’re specific problem. Obviously, there’s more to it than just the porn. Not trying to be nosy, I promise. 
Everybody’s mileage varies, unfortunately. I had wonderful positive sexual side effects with Wellbutrin–we’re talking amazingly powerful orgasms–and it’s my understanding that it’s frequently given because it has a much lower frequency of negative effects, but I’ve also heard from several women that their experience with it was the opposite of mine. There doesn’t seem to be any way to predict in advance what anyone’s reaction to it will be.
Lots of antidepressants have that effect on some people. So does the Pill. Any chance she will talk to her doc about adjusting or switching her medication? Or is she not interested in discussing her lack of desire at all, no matter what the reason might be?
If she won’t discuss the issue, to me that’s a much larger problem than her lack of interest in sex per se. But it sounds like you have several layers of issues going on here. And one of them might be, or might not be, her views on sex and sin in the first place. But if she was willing to have sex before, and she isn’t now, then something has changed in the interim; it seems odd that if she thought premarital sex was wrong, that she’d be willing to have sex before the marriage but not after.
Also, is either of you opposed to trying another counselor? Because I definitely second the idea that if you don’t “click” with a counselor, it will do more harm than good, but the right one has the potential to do a lot of good if you’re both open to the idea.
Yeah, everyone’s different when it comes to their response to antidepressants. Remember, depression is thought to be caused by (at least neurochemically) problems with how the brain handles one or more of 3 (IIRC) neurotransmitters. And these neurotransmitters effect other brain functions as well. So it’s pretty complex, and sometimes you need to have dosages and/or meds changed.
Also, some women report a loss of sex drive with certain types of birth control pills, but not all. Birth control pills come in a wide variety of hormone ingredients and dosages as well.
For me, Wellbutrin XL set me back to my normal levels of sex drive (high), but that’s not true for everyone.
Unfortunately, from his followup answers, I’m kind of leaning towards her having had this issue for a while and covering it up, then just “giving up” after the marriage was done, like either she couldn’t continue any longer with the charade, or possibly that she figured she didn’t have to any longer. I’m also suspecting that it might be due to medication side effects, or might be something from before that point that could possibly require counseling. Or possibly it’s a medical problem that hasn’t been diagnosed - some women have too-low testosterone levels (a little bit goes a long way in women, but there’s still a problem with too little) that leads to low libido, and things like a testosterone cream, injection, or patch actually help. Or other medical problems can lead to low libido.
And I agree, sometimes porn is a cause of a problem (other partner doesn’t think it’s right, one partner avoids sex and uses porn as an outlet, one partner is obsessive and secretive about it, etc.), and sometimes it’s an outlet as a result of a problem.
It’s… very unfortunate that apparently she felt a need to hide this from you (if I’m reading the situation right), Chicago Faucet, but it’s quite likely that she felt ashamed or embarrassed. I wish you luck. 
Addendums:
- She comes from a VERY stoic family. Very little affection is shown between them. For crying out loud, her father’s favorite topin of conversation is my gas bill. This has obvious ramifications.
- She went through 8 grades of parochial catholic school.
- Both of our families are Catholic. Mine is the loud German/Irish type. Hers is the castigating Italian type. Neither of us are religious today, and we do not attend church.
- She is afraid of changing her medication ever since an incident about two years ago where one of her medications ran out for two days. That was ugly.
- We have very little affection between us. We don’t snuggle in bed. We don’t kiss more than a peck in the morning. We hug everyday, but that is about it. This is because it is the way that she wants it. I have had to ratchet down my urges to meet hers.
- We have long, intelligent, and hilarious conversations. We have each other rolling on the floor most times. We love movies, and old stuff.
Chicago Faucet, your wife sounds like your best friend and little else. A wife, in most cases, is your best friend and lover, as well. The lover part is, again, in most cases, as important as the best friend part.
Effexor, right? That’s known to have very bad withdrawal effects, and needs to be tapered off. I don’t think Wellbutrin does (heck, I forget to take them on weekends sometimes, because I’m not in my normal morning routine). A doctor’s appointment would be needed to discuss any possible medication changes, and a physician would almost certainly know how to deal with the Effexor.
But… she has to want to make any changes. She might see trying to do this as just being something for you, and thus feel little motivation - or even resistance - to deal with it. She has to see this as something that would be good for her and desireable to go through with. And if the next medication change has worse side effects or something, she’s not going to be real likely to want to continue with it if she doesn’t have real motivation to help herself. Heck, the medication that prevents my migraines also makes me very lightheaded and near blacking out when I stand too quickly, and every now and then I wonder if it’s worth dealing with that. Then I remember that 3-4 migraines a month are not pleasant, and I deal.
Well, I have to say that I come from a fairly stoic, non-affectionate (Irish-Italian Catholic) family, and I don’t have problems with being affectionate with my husband. There is something weird going on here… to be so resistant to sex with your own husband and then cry about it when you do “give in”? That just doesn’t seem normal to me.
Perhaps I’m strange because if my husband wants to have sex and I’m not feeling so frisky, I’ll usually go ahead and have sex anyway. The only times I really refuse are when I feel really sick, or so tired that I wouldn’t even be able to stay awake. A lot of the times it’s not so much that I don’t want sex as that the effort it would take to have an orgasm at that particular time just isn’t worth it to me, so I tell him to pretty much “go on ahead and don’t worry about me”. It’s not as if I ever find sex with him unpleasant, so I figure why not do something that will make him feel good, even if my interest isn’t that high at the particular time. It seems odd to me that some people find sex with their spouse to be something so unpleasant that they would refuse. Seems to me that if I don’t want to have sex with this person… I shouldn’t be married to him.
I also doubt that it’s the Wellbutrin that is causing low libido. It’s known for increasing sex drive in some people. For Mr. Purl and myself (we both take it), we found that it didn’t increase our libidos, but didn’t mess them up like SSRIs did.
I had problems like this in my first marriage (he was more interested in porn than me), and to me your situation sounds intolerable. The constant rejection was soul-crushing. You’ve got to do something to either change the situation or get out of the situation.
Um. Scusi, signore, but I am Italian. My family is far from castigating. Loud? Boisterous? Everyone talking/eating/laughing at once? Hell yes. Not all Italians are quiet, conservative and expect their women to keep their eyes cast down and their voices quiet. If anything, the women in my family wear the pants, and sex is a prime topic of conversation at just about every gathering. Just sayin’.
That said; I’m sure the parochial school had a lot to do with her feelings toward sex. sigh… the one thing a girl must NOT come out of school with is good feelings about her body and herself as a sexual being. And, yes, I did go to parochial school, thank you very much. Boys are bad, bad, bad, sex is evil, evil, evil, and touching a penis is just one step above tongue kissing the devil. it’s really rather sad that these things are still allowed to be taught. Although, her mother could have gone a long way toward easing that psychological trauma, had she so chosen.
Of course I know that all Italian families are not quiet. The adjectives that I used, “loud,” and “castigating,” were simply adjectives that described our particular families. I wasn’t making a generalization at all. I feel that the mental image that I was striving for was met.
I am positive that the Catholic parochial school had a long lasting effect on her. She tells me of a story one time where they had just gotten their science text books at the beginning of the year. This was, maybe, third or fourth grade. During the handing out of the books, she took a chance to page forward through hers. One of the chapters dealt with Anthropology, and mentioned, :eek: , Evolution! She mentioned to one of the nuns about how excited she would be when they would get to that chapter. The nun smiled and nodded. They never got to that chapter.
She still went on to get her Bachelor Degree in Anthropology from the University of Pittsburgh.