Long-married dopers, any advice on revitalization? Things pretty much suck right now - no interest, no communication, doesn’t even seem to care enough to fight much less do anything fun.
For a while I blamed the BC, having heard that it can have all sorts of psychological pside effects, but of course any attempt to bring that up made things worse (of the “Are you saying I’m crazy?” type response)
Anyway, I’m not too interested in divorce right at the moment, but I’m also not very interested in living the rest of my life like this, so I was kind of hoping for one-last-final-I-mean-it-this-time attempt to get things back on track.
Have you tried professional counseling? Couples counseling can really work wonders. If she doesn’t want to go, a few sessions might be helpful for you by yourself.
You could also try small things, make an effort to be around, offer to clear the table or whatnot.
This may be just my interpretation, but the way I’m reading the OP it sounds like you’re mostly blaming your spouse for the problems. Could that be part of the issue? (If I’m offbase here, I apologize)
Birth Control.
To regain spark both halves must want to. I don’t know anything about couples counseling except this - if either of you genuinely don’t want it to work then it won’t work.
First thing is a conversation between the two of you. It sounds like a) you’re blaming her and b) she’s refusing to see there is a problem. If there are issues you need to tell her, not us, and you need to do it in a calm, non-aggressive manner, and you need to stand your ground on what’s most important to you and be prepared to give ground on some others. Have you had this talk with her? I don’t mean saying “There’s nothing left” but something more like “I feel like we’re getting stuck in a rut; I don’t want this, I love you, do you feel the same?”
I’d strongly second couples counseling. It is almost sure to help, but I would add that you may have to be persistant. Finding a counselor that you’re comfortable w/ can make a big difference, so if you do go, either as a couple, or alone, give it a session or two and if it’s not working, try a different counselor. Good luck, most relationships are worth the effort, if you once had something good, you can probably get it back.
I can’t offer much advice. We’ve never really lost the spark. We’re not as fuckally active as we once were.
Do you perhaps spend too much time together? My wife travels a fair bit, and I think that when she’s gone it always makes us realize what we miss about each other.
If you both at least like each other, and find each other remotely attractive, I’d try a sex therapist. Not the Dr.Ruth Model but the kind that helps with intimacy and getting the healthy spark back…
Sounds funny I know, but there can be some incredible results from talking about sex when away from home…Plus, nothing like a hot sweaty session to get things at least “pointed” in the right direction.
This might be worth considering further. Has your wife talked to her doctor about alternate forms of birth control? Everyone’s mileage varies greatly, but I’ve seen firsthand how hormonal birth control can “dull” the personality in subtle ways. It’s just not the optimal choice for every woman. Of course, other deeper issues are probably in play, but it couldn’t hurt to examine this.
There is no “so I was kind of hoping for one-last-final-I-mean-it-this-time attempt to get things back on track.”: however this works out, it will likely get better as slowly and imperceptively as it got bad. So be prepared for that.
She’s willing to lose her marriage over her birth control patch? That makes no sense at all. Does she understand that you are losing interest in being married to her if things don’t change for the better? Have you made it clear to her that you’re not calling her crazy, or telling her she has to switch methods, but that the method she’s using is not working for YOU, and you have a say in it too? I hate the idea of losing something like a marriage over simply losing interest, but that sounds like where you’re going.
Another thought - marriages have ups and downs - are you possibly just in a down at the moment?
Your wife isn’t one of these, “The woman is always right, and when she’s not right, see rule #1” women, is she?
First, to get the obligatory “BC” joke out of the way: And here I thought that once Johnny Hart died, people would stop blaming BC for their problems.
On a more serious note, communication is the key. Make the effort to find something you two can talk about, if she won’t directly address the feelings/dull marriage issue. Plan a vacation together - a road trip is especially good. Get tour books and maps from AAA, discuss a route (if taking the road trip suggestion), go through the book and discuss the various attraction options. If nothing else, these subjects can at least be icebreakers. Once you’re talking frequently and at length, and a level of comfort has been re-established, eventually the more important matters can get discussed.
One important thing, though, is, if you have different tastes and start arguing instead of talking…stop the argument by agreeing with her, even if you don’t. If it’s been more important to you then to her that the spark be re-established, then it’s up to you to keep fanning the spark by maintaining the communication at a good level, even if it means “surrender” in an argument, even if it means agreeing to something you’re not 100% crazy about. Getting overly emotional in the heat of an argument is the surest way to make communication shut down. If what’s important to you is connecting with her again, keep this in mind, whatever the subject of discussion might be.
If you want this to work, you will have to learn to be good at it. At least one of you has to be to start it up. God knows I’ve had my share of such troubles, but it matures you and teaches you how to stay together. How long have you been together?
I don’t 100% agree with cmkeller when he says agree with her…I see his point but I would attempt to make it more clear that you are not going to get emotional. So if there is an argument, just say, “You know, I don’t agree, can we agree to disagree? I don’t want us to get upset.”
But it doesn’t seem like you guys are having too many fights. It seems like you’re not just talking. We need more info, but if you’re not talking to each other, and YOU want to make it better, then YOU should try to instigate conversations, be friends with each other, have fun together.
In the end, friend, we can’t tell you. Only she can. And you need to talk with her. Try again. Get a book out from the library to help you talk, to get some pointers from.
And how does her patch have anything to do with her?
We’re long past BC, but just before my daughter came home from college this summer she was a total mess. Turns out changing her BC pill prescription fixed it. If someone’s hormones are messed up, not amount of sweet reason is going to fix it - unless the OP catches his wife at a good moment.
I’d think a diagnosis of messed up medicine would be much less threatening than a problem requiring counseling myself.
