The above thread talks about divorce and passionless, sexless marriages. Many of us in that thread where surprised that we are not alone. It really surprised me.
Anyway, what are we going to do about it? I would like to here stories of people that have tried to fix it. Even if you failed.
I mean this really sucks for a lot of us.
What did you do? How did you broach the subject? Did it work?
I’m just trying to snuggle, cuddle, touch more. We’ve also both talked to our Doctors about it. Not ashamed to say I’ve tried Viagra. My Wife tried a medication as well.
I am just a tad overweight, and I am exercising more. My Wife is an IronMan and is an exercise fiend. I wonder if that has something to do with it?
I’ve talked to two friends about it (both woman, wanting that perspective). One went through the same thing I am with out any success in turning it around. She ended up divorced for other reasons. The other is very sexually active and is kinda stunned. Neither had any advise.
The number one most important thing is that both partners need to be on the same page. Both have to want to keep the passion alive, and this might entail talking and even (gasp!) scheduling sex and snuggling/cuddling time. And are you valuing her, and is she valuing you, outside of the bedroom? Do you just listen when she talks about work, exercise? Does she listen when you talk about your liffe? Do you do things together? Do you spend a lot of time together? Do you endeavor to spend time together? Do you still want to spend time together more than anything?
And most of all, it takes work. It’s hard to realize that relationships need a lot of constant maintenance and work, but the rewards are wonderful.
Another tip for couples: Having sex tends to make people want more sex. So don’t wait for desire to flare up before deciding to be intimate. More intimate activity leads to more desire for many couples. AKA: Fake it until you want to make it. IMMV, of course. It won’t fix significant sexual incompatibility.
Otherwise, this is an old, old question, addressed as far back as some of Woody Allen’s earliest films. I can only echo an old man in “Annie Hall” when queried how to keep it fresh: “A large vibrating egg”.
You can really only control yourself but with a little skill you can hopefully manipulate your partner and not even tell them what you are doing. Always keep in mind that foreplay starts in the morning when you open your eyes and doesn’t stop until you fall asleep.
Always focus on the good things your partner does and things you do like about them. Let go of all the old bull shit or you are doomed to fail. If your partner has resentments against you it might help to clean up your side of the street as you go.
I always like to keep in mind that we fall in love with the way we feel about ourselves when we are with the person we love. So the idea is to always make sure that your presence makes your partner feel better about themselves in all ways possible
You might be surprised how many things you can show appreciation for. We don't have to convince our partners how great we are as much as we do how important they are to us. Things can turn around in a hurry once the dynamics start to change.
We can’t all be the best lovers in the world but we can be the most loving!
Nothing gives an intimate partner warm fuzzies like being unknowingly manipulated!
Unless you’re using ‘manipulated’ in its original sense, that of being literally ‘handled’, which some partners might get a kick out of. But most astute partners will sense this. Given the hand touching them, that is.
I don’t think this would be a factor, if your wife was really into you. It doesn’t sound like she is; it doesn’t sound like she is into having sex at all (not just not with you). What I’m trying to say is, don’t blame yourself - I don’t believe a few extra pounds is causing this problem.
No, she really doesn’t. And she will be intimate. She just has a complete lack of enthusiasm. And that kinda wrecks it for me.
We have been together only twice in the last nine years. And the last two times I tried to get things going, she showed such apathy that it completely shut me down.
It’s been so long, I can’t remember the last time she initiated anything.
I have read two books on the subject, and it seems as though I am doing everything right. And as I said in my last thread, we have talked to our Doctors about this.
Anyway, this is not so much about me, as I was interested in stories of anyone being successful in turning this around.
I haven’t been married a long time, but the thing that comes to mind is that you need to sit down and ask your wife about it- is there something that DOES get her motor running? Is there something you’re doing, or not doing that turns her off? Maybe she has some fantasies or kinks that she’s embarrassed about, and that’s making her unenthusiastic about the normal stuff.
Marriage is a team game, and you both have to be running the same plays from the same playbook.
I know of a married couple who have been married about 30 years, and for about the last 10 years the husband has been living in the basement; he has a bed, microwave, tv, etc., and the wife lives on the main level. I don’t know, but I assume they have not been having sex, if so, probably very little. I suppose it’s just easier to stay married, then to get a divorce for them. Their kids are married, so there is nothing really tying them together, other than a marriage license. Possibly a vacation for couples trying to get their sex life back on track could be a good idea, and try to do things that you did during the early stages of dating.
Well…some people just don’t enjoy sex. I can tell you from personal experience, that if you want sex and she doesn’t care for it, you’re not going to get enthusiasm from her. Was she really into it before? If it changed, was it sudden or gradual? I don’t know your ages but possibly menopause?
enipla, it pains me to say it but I fear you may be trying to re-create what has yet to be created once in your lives; a mutual sustained intense passion for one another.
Not an impossible task, but it will take her investing some emotional energy in the process. Are you able to talk openly about such matters of the heart and other regions with her?
Admittedly, we have only lightly touched on it. I fear that I could make things awkward and make her uncomfortable. I don’t want to make her feel like it’s some kind of duty, and I sure don’t want ‘pity’ sex.
I guess I will need to find a way to really have a deep discussion about it. That’s one of the reasons I opened this thread.
One book I read said that talking is not the way to fix it.
For us, we started being more affectionate in non-sexual ways. Random quick back or neck rubs as we walk by each other, lying against each other on the couch while we watch TV, kiss hello/goodbye, just really simple stuff. It has reminded us that we like to have physical contact with each other and are not just roommates.
Still not a PASSION like in the movies, but more like we were when we first got married and just hung out and enjoyed each others’ company.
Married almost 20 years. Both in our mid 40s. First few years we were on the same page with the intimacy. Then 2 kids 3 years apart – during that time we were not aligned at all (for understandable reasons). Then, years of severe dis-function where one party (me) wanted to be intimate, and the other (her) was not interested in the least. We tried to talk about it and she just said “something changed, something’s different”. This lead to a severe disconnect in a lot of other areas. No hand-holding, little kissing/hugging, and minimal physical contact.
I was not interested in getting a divorce for a many reasons, and told myself I needed to adjust my expectations. Once a month, or less, was the new standard, and for her it seemed like a real chore, to be used as a reward, or just doing her wifely duty. Lots of resentment and feeling trapped in a passionless, intimacy-less marriage to what amounted to a room-mate situation. But hey, the kids were thriving, and we worked well together on that front (the parental unit).
She reads 50 Shades of Grey not too long ago, and all of a sudden things changed, and her expectation is that it’s game-time, so dust off the old equipment. She keeps reading other books like that one. Only, I am not as interested as I used to be (since I trained myself to lower expectations). Now, our libidos are mis-aligned going the other way. Maybe all of this is age and gender-related. But hey, the kids are doing well.
