Hmmm… might have to pick that up.
I can pretty much guarantee you that not talking about it isn’t going to fix it. 
Have you and your wife considered a marriage counsellor, or even a sexual counsellor? The way I see it, there are one of two things going on here; either your wife is just a low libido woman naturally, and that isn’t going to change, or there’s something going on in your couple dynamic that is possible to change. It would probably really help you to know which situation you’re dealing with.
I think the OP is looking for some passion. The feeling of manipulating someone without them even knowing it for the purpose of sex can be empowering and very sexualy stimulating for a man. She will sense this and it will turn her on as well.
You will find others in the same boat here, and you might find some help.
I think you’re very, very wrong about this latter bit. She’ll sense without even knowing? Really?? :dubious:
Willingness to be open, honest, and explicit in stating one’s wishes and desires has kindled a lot of fire in relationships. Sometimes sparking a renaissance of romance, sometimes burning out the debris of a dysfunctional relationship so both can start again someplace else.
Sometimes talking about the problems can reveal that it is actually a very simple problem, and easily solved once both people know about it (for example, she hates her neck being touched, and you think it’s a sexy move, but it shuts her down every time you go there). Which is not to say that it is an easily-solved problem, but it could be - you don’t know if you don’t talk about it.
I agree with everything you say, my first post indicates that. I am a big believer in changing myself, in most cases I get better they get better. I become willing they will hopefully become willing.
As for a playful side. For the past 25 years my girlfriend thinks she is seducing me, she can pull me out of too tired to walk mode into full on sex in just a matter of minutes. Having that power kind of turns her on. She doesn't even realize I am laying thier hoping she makes a move. We are both getting the joy out of manipulating.
I agree and disagree with this. Talking is important, but talking it to death just makes the problem worse. With my former husband, there came a point where I just flat out said “Are we really going to have this conversation AGAIN??”
We’d been married about ten years, and our sex life had been meh for a while due to his health issues. Intimacy wasn’t really there at all- no cuddling (because he had lung issues and would overheat and go into a coughing fit), no casual touches, no hand-holding. I just sort of.. lost interest. And when I did, it became All My Fault, and the goal became to Fix Me. He pushed me to go off Zoloft, which I’d been on for almost a decade without problems. He pushed me to get bloodwork done to check for hormonal issues. He pushed me to read books about hormonal imbalance and intimacy. He pushed me to go to a marriage counselor (who was incredibly patient and kind and PUT UP WITH SO MUCH CRAP- I can’t even begin to imagine trying to be a therapist to two therapists). He acknowledged that he could be more intimate outside of the bedroom, but all of his attempts were overtly designed to get me to have sex. It truly felt like I could hear him thinking “Ok, hold hand for five minutes.. rub shoulder for three minutes.. ask her about her day.. SEX NOW???” and when it didn’t work, he became angry and wanted to talk about it AGAIN. In depth. Often at 2AM when I had to work the next day. I couldn’t help feeling like he was thoroughly invested in the idea that the problem was mine, and that it was entirely my responsibility to fix it All it did was push me further away, which wasn’t fair to either of us.
In the end there were a host of other insurmountable problems and we divorced (and he passed away a year ago this Friday, about six months after our divorce was final). I have a boyfriend now that is the complete polar opposite- cuddles, random touches, constant handholding- and our sex life is intense and frequent. So it sort of was, sort of wasn’t my fault… I just needed the right partner, and unfortunately former husband wasn’t it.
Good point - you want the conversations to actually be useful, not just going around the same track again and again.
Have you tried things like date nights? Sometimes it is good to be intimate non-sexually first. And to put my Dear Abby hat on, could it be medical?
Sometimes just going somewhere for a few days can help also. It can be a lot easier to get interested if five dirty rooms aren’t staring you in the face. Go to the city, see a show, go to a nice restaurant, and make sure it is stuff she likes to do.
We spend lots of time together, and lots of time doing our own thing. That’s one thing that we both love about the marriage. Date night? That really does not fit into our lifestyle. Though we certainly go out to dinner and do movies and stuff.
My Wife does an IronMan about every other year. I’m the sherpa/pit crew on these trips. I don’t mind at all and we always have a good time. After her last race, she surprised me with a gift to Germany/Austria. She knows that attending these races is not the ideal vacation and that I’ve always wanted to go to Europe. We will be there for three weeks. Perhaps that will heat things up.
That is part of the problem. You do not see each other as lovers/romantic partners. “Date night” brings the boy-girl-ness out into the open. Roommates do not have “date nights.” I suggest you give some thought as to why *this does not fit into our lifestyle. *
Like I said, roommates can go out to dinner and do movies and stuff. There’s a different *tone *to the evening when you know you’re going to go back home and get in each other’s pants, amirite?
Things don’t “heat up” by themselves. My assessment is that she’s giving you this trip that she knows you will love as a way of saying, “You can’t say I haven’t shown you that I love you. This trip proves it. But stop expecting sex.”
This isn’t it at all. I do not pester her for sex. I’ve stopped expecting it because she is not enthusiastic about it at all. Since she does not enjoy it, neither do I.
Over the last few days of examining this again, after years of just letting it wither on the vine, I have tried once again to subtly get things going. It might be working because it seems that she is starting to respond.
I tend to think that reading that much into your partner’s motives is a sure way to poison a relationship, regardless of whether you’re reading good or evil into them.
If it was me, I’d just accept the vacation with grace, and see if I could line up a fancy dinner somewhere on the Danube in Vienna or something like that, and actively try and romance her. Wear a suit, have her wear a nice dress (hell, tell her to go buy a new sexy one if that would help), and then wine her and dine her and try and show her that she’s still special to you, and that you still find her sexy, etc…
Hopefully this might be a jumpstart, which you’ll carry forward through the small every day intimate touches and hugs, etc… and hopefully sex, or it’ll just fall totally flat, and you’ll know where you stand with her and can make plans accordingly.
Yup. In any case, we travel great together and always have a good time. We will be doing the Germany trip by foot and train, so plenty of opportunities for picnics and stuff. And we will be getting our own private train car on the return from Vienna to Frankfurt. Hmmm…
If my husband completely stopped trying to initiate sex, I think I’d maybe feel like he wasn’t interested anymore. Which isn’t to say that you should “pester” her for sex. But you should at least let her know that you still want it.
Someone upthread said 50 Shades of Gray rekindled his sex life. I haven’t read that, but reading porn definitely does get me in the mood. Maybe print out some short stories for her to read, see how she feels about it? That may or may not work for her, but honestly, she does owe it to you to at least try to overcome this. You don’t just give up on sex completely without trying absolutely everything. It isn’t fair.
Have you tried anything not-so-subtle, such as The Naked Man?
You should try something (obviously jokingly) more forceful like, bitch, get naked and get on the bed, don’t make me choke you! You may not like the results, but you’ll definitely get an answer from her with no ambiguity about whether it’s working or she’s responding.
My wife is not at all into subtlety when it comes to sex.
Thanks. And thanks for the condolences in the other thread.
It is tough that she no longer initiates it. I read that 10 times a year is considered a sexless marriage. Heh. I’m a bit behind the eight ball going on at 9 years.
I did mention 50 Shades of Grey last night, and I do believe she might be interested in it.
50 Shades of Grey is so fucking awful that at the very least, you could entertain each other by reading it aloud while laughing yourselves sick.
I really hope it works out for you. It does sound like an otherwise strong marriage, which is a great thing. Good luck to you!