That’s kind of why I wasn’t going for a complain-about-relationship thread. Mostly was looking for ideas other people have tried (like the road trip idea), or things that women would appreciate from their guy if he wasn’t such a clod.
No answers from me, but some more questions: Other than intimacy issues, how are you together? Do you have fun? Do you takes trips, share hobbies, go to the movies? Forget about loving each other – do you like each other? And, as was mentioned previously, do you have lives outside of each other?
All right then. When my relationship was in a slump, I started out by realizing it of course. Then I thought for a while. Is this where I want to be? Do I love him truly? Can we make it work? Do I want to make it work?
All of those answers came back “Yes”. So I worked for it. I dropped a lot of my outside activities. I spent a lot more with my SO. I told him I loved him and I showed it to him.
You know what? He responded. He also started investing more time into the relationship, coming home to be with me, dropping outside activities, etc.
This is why I say it has to be on both sides. If you are just doing it with no response - and you have to do it to be sure there will be none - then the relationship may be doomed.
You know Bob, males can have a little operation that cures the BC thing.
Been there, done that. It’s a cakewalk.
May I recommend a workbook? Dr. Sprinkle’s Spectacular Sex by Annie Sprinkle (former porn star, political activist, eminent sexologist, fabulous diva, architect of the walk-in vulva, and my second cousin once removed*)
It has activities and excercises to get couples communicating and connecting about their sex life. I have read and it is neither overly cheesy/new age nor is it overly clinical. Just good advice from a lady who has done a lot of doing. :D. Check it out on amazon, they have an excerpt available.
*true fact
That’s good advice, but it’s a double-edged sword. I once lived with a woman who told me she loved me. In a sing-songy voice. Every. Five. Minutes. After a year it was like living with a car alarm.
First of all, you need to really understand that your wife probably is not withholding sex on purpose. Don’t be angry with her because she’s not more in the mood.
Sit down with her and calmly say “Honey, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. However, I am a sexual person and need to have lovemaking as a normal part of this relationship. If we can’t solve this problem together, we may need to make some drastic choices.”
See if there’s something that’s causing her not to want to have sex and try to get to specifics. Don’t let her go too overboard with the “If onlys”. If only you did this, If only you did that, If only my job was better, If only the house was whatever, etc. Sometimes people don’t understand why they have a lack of desire and they pin it on any negative thing that they can think of. You want to see if there’s something specific like your body hair turns her off or something like that.
I think people’s desire for sex is either opportunistic or hobby-like. If it’s opportunistic, they have sex as long as they feel like having sex. If the feeling goes away, they have no sex and it doesn’t bother them. Sex hobbists think it’s fun to have sex and will engage in sex like any other enjoyable hobby. They don’t have to be in any special mood. They might have sex like they might go boating or do any other recreational hobby.
I think your wife is more of the opportunistic type. Her desire has decreased, so she feels no need to engage in sex. The problem is that you still have that desire and need her participation. You need to calmly explain that you still have the need for sex and this issue must be resolved.
And if you can’t resolve it, think about divorce. You both deserve a partner you’re sexually compatible with. Sex is the one need you can’t meet outside your marriage. Other needs, like the need for conversation, admiration, etc, can be met through friends or job. But you have to be able to meet your sexual needs in your marriage.
Eek…I’m surprised you didn’t take that sword and stab her with it.
Happened immediately after our youngest was born. Difficult delivery, the OB/GYN took me aside and told me “no more”. She’s on it for other reasons.
Used to, not so much lately.
Not with jobs and kids and all.
I’m not a big fan of self help books, but, many years ago, I ran across this one and found it to be very enlightening:
Ummm…what “leaf” are you a fan of? 
[QUOTE=Bobotheoptimist]
I was really trying to avoid blame, since I don’t know her point of view.
Tried multiple times to talk about it, but neither of us are good at this kind of thing.
QUOTE]
Bolding mine.
I’ve been in couples counselling several times (and I’m also married to a therapist, so I get it for free as well), and, to me, these are pretty telling statements.
You can’t fix anything if you can’t talk about “it,” whatever “it” is. You’re married and you can tell each other absolutely anything. Sure, it may be hard, but it has to be the foundation.
Make an appointment to see a therapist or counsellor. You’re work probably has an EAP that is a great place to start. Even if you’re wife won’t go right now, you have to. The therapist will help you identify what underlying issue(s) and work with you to figure out how to overcome them (or accept that the issues can’t be overcome if they’re that major). The therapist won’t do the work for you - you get to do the heavy lifting - but they’ll give you the tools you need.
Good luck. It isn’t supposed to be easy, it is supposed to be worth doing.
I’m not sure how old your kids are, but there is a point where its just HARD. The kids take so much physical and emotional energy, and the jobs and the money…but it does get better. The kids stop needing so much of you that you can start giving something to your spouse.
I think this hits women harder. There were a few years where sex wasn’t too often because at the end of the day I was “touched out” with kids crawling all over me (and I’ve never done the SAHM thing - which is probably much more exhausting). But it isn’t just sex, its the emotional committment to listen to the details of someone else’s life when you’ve spent hours listening to kids whining. Or to answer “honey, where is my keys?!” when you’ve just spent half an hour looking for Blankie Bear.
The trick is to get through it without resentment.
In the meantime, both parties should be considerate of each other. That means doing little stuff - like taking the kids to the playground so your spouse has kid free time, or making sure your dish at least gets put into the dishwasher or not always getting the pizza topping you want. Stupid stuff like Brainiac4 taking me out for sushi (he hates sushi) is what keeps my spark going.
To that you respond, “No, I’m not crazy; I’m concerned.”