Once, I had no nieces or nephews. It was a sad thing. Then my sister, my only sibling, got married. I had a niece (who I will call Sky). It was wonderful! Life was bright and joyous. Then, my sister got a divorce and moved to Florida.
Sky made a best friend forever when she was four. Will call this girl (who I consider my niece and who has only ever referred to me as Unc Unc) Mad. Mad’s father committed suicide. Her mother is physically present but is both a bad parent and an alcoholic who refuses to admit she has a problem and seek treatment. My sister is largely responsible for raising and feeding Mad (and seriously, she did a fine job).
My sister remarried. Her new husband also had a child from a previous marriage, a boy we’ll call Sam. Sam grew on me and I’m a fantastic uncle so I grew on him. My sister got another divorce. To everybody’s surprise, Sam never reached out to me. To Sam, my sister represented the rules and discipline he’d been successful at avoiding (He desperately needed rules, consequences and discipline). But, I was the guy with cool toys, who gave him junk food and showed him (age appropriate) cartoons and science experiments.
I gave up on him ever reaching out when Sky was killed in a car accident (It was the finding of the court it was 100% the other driver’s fault. She got a slap on the wrist). I dealt with her death by (seriously) shutting down my higher brain functions. For months, I couldn’t really think or deal with anything. I did manage to write a nice eulogy. Some of it is plagiarized from 3rd Rock From The Sun “I was Sky’s Unc Unc. I taught her all kinds of science facts. I taught her why some things float in water- and why some things sink. I taught her why the stars shine and why they twinkle. I taught her that as matter approaches the speed of light, it is converted to energy. Sky’s heart approached that speed this week. Though she is no longer with us, she is all around us-transmuted into brilliant white light.”
Mad is now a college student. Last week, she was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I’m very worried because besides the obvious, chemotherapy causes loss of apetite, nausea, vomitting and weight loss. Mad has always been slightly underweight. Even with medical marijuana (legal in Florida), I’m very worried she won’t make it. I had a brief call with my Mom (who Mad has only ever called Bubby- Yiddish for grandmother). Mad is in either stage 3 or stage 4. She’s going in for a PET or some kind of scan this week. That will obviously tell us more.
" The 5-year survival rate for all people with Hodgkin lymphoma is 87%. If the cancer is found in its earliest stages, the 5-year survival rate is 91%. If the cancer spreads regionally, the 5-year survival rate is 94%. If the cancer has spread to different parts of the body, the 5-year survival rate is 81%."
DocCathode, I’m so sorry you lost your beloved Sky. I wish she’d have lived to become a very old lady who’d pass down all the wonderful things you taught her.
I had a cousin who had Stage IV Hodgkin’s in the 90s and have a good friend who had Stage IV non-Hodgkins two years ago. (There are subtypes of each, but the two are generally somewhat similar.) My cousin died four years ago–not from Hodgkins. Treatment has progressed lightyears since the Nineties, but even the treatment back then got her 25+ years. My friend was in bad shape, with disease all through her lymph nodes and a spleen full of cancer. The cure rate is very, very high for both. My friend sailed through chemo–the oncology nurses told her most people do now–and is doing great.
If you do decide to do some Googling, keep in mind something my oncologist (for breast cancer) told me: all the studies you read online are outdated because they started at least 5 years ago, and treatment has improved rapidly since then. Mad’s odds are even better than they appear from whatever studies you find.
Just got off the phone with my sister. Mad is in stage 2 (meaning all the cancer is above the diaphragm.) I was terrified it would be stage 4 and spread to an indispensable organ. She does have a tumor pressing on, if I understood correctly, her jugular and preventing the blood from draining from her face properly. She started chemo today. I asked my sister about medical marijuana (which again I stress is legal in Florida and which I want for her only as a treatment for all the nausea, loss of appetite and vomitting caused by chemotherapy) and my sister reassured me that things would probably be okay.
IIRC his doc told him that it sometimes shows up in folks who are in their 70s, at which point the treatment is deemed not worth the bother—it grows slowly and the person will die of something else before this gets them. But in younger folks, they treat it.
The first reaction for my bro was relief that the odds were on his side. The second reaction: was he in the 87% or the 13%? He told me he planned to live each day to his fullest; I replied that that’s what we’re supposed to do even if we aren’t diagnosed with anything. 10+ years later he’s still with us.
You are a good person, I’m sorry about Shy and that Sam hasn’t been ready to reach out (it could happen even decades from now), and I hope Mad makes a full recovery.
We used to be FaceBook friends. When the divorce happened, he was fifteen. He had his own cell phone and iPad he took with him everywhere (even the bathroom). If he had wanted to reach out, he had numbers and e-mail addresses and FB accounts. After Sky was killed, I finally gave up on ever hearing from Sam again. I know that he knew of her death. If that didn’t make him reach out, nothing would. Considering one of the issues in the divoce was that Sam’s father never ever punished or disciplined him, I can’t see Sam not reaching out because he fears the consequences.
My mother said she was going to shave her head in sympathy with Mad. I forgot to ask her if she did.
If Mad asks, I’m planning on going with the truth- “You will look like crap. You will feel like crap. BUT, it won’t last. For most people, cancer is the hardest thing they will ever have to deal with. For you, this probably doesn’t crack the top 3. You CAN do this! I love you.”