Conservative activists have succeeded in getting CBS to drop it’s plans to show The Reagans because they say it portrays the former President in an unfair light. Specifically, the movie purportedly has Reagan uttering some lines about how gays shall die in sin. It has been pointed out that Reagan never actually used these words and therefore the movie takes on an anti-Reagan slant by making him appear to have been anti-homosexual. I have taken to reverse this misconception by rewriting the part of the film in question so that Reagan’s supposed anti-gay bias will disappear. It is my hope that CBS will re-shoot this scene using my revised script that conservatives will find more palatable.
The Regan bedroom. Mrs. Reagan is reading a newspaper. President Reagan enters wearing Lavender pajamas adorned with pink triangles.
**Mrs. Reagan: ** My gawd! Those gay activists are calling for our heads again! Don’t they appreciate how much you have done for them?
**President Reagan: ** Now dear, we mustn’t lump them all together like that. It’s a rich community after all. Some of them are just being mislead by those Hollywood liberals who think they rule this country. They’ve been pushing a gay agenda ever since that “into the breach once more” thing was written.
**MR: ** I hate hose Hollywood bastards!
PR: That’s why I haven’t seen a movie since The Sunshine Boys.
**MR: ** But it’s not fair! You’re the most pro-gay president to ever lead this country.
**PR: ** I know dear. Let’s just change the subject.
MR: I see Uranus is rising in the house of…
PR: I said drop it okay.
**MR: ** No silly, it’s the zodiac. This concerns that cute Oliver guy you have working for you. It means he’s got big doings transpiring.
**PR: ** Oh yeah, I’ve got him selling arms to the Ayatollah. Now, not to flog a dead horse, but there’s a good example of my pro-gay policy. I let that guy work for me. Do I make an issue of his sexuality? No.
MR: Not to mention John “Rear Admiral” Poindexter, and you have that George Will stumping for you. I mean come on, that bow tie! Yet the gay community gives you no credit whatsoever.
**PR: ** They’re too hung up on the amount of money I earmark for AIDS research. What they don’t understand is that my not giving money is proof of how successful we’ve been in the fight against AIDS. It’s like… well, suppose there was a war and our troops are occupying an enemy city. Casualties are mounting from resistance attacks. Well, those casualties would really just prove that the war was going really well. If there were no casualties I’d be worried. It’s the same thing with AIDS funding. Our lack of action just proves that the fight is going well.
MR: That makes no fucking* sense.
PR: Someday it will, Nancy. Someday it will.
*Please note: this is an adjective and is therefore okay for TV.