Nothing is going to make you feel better right now, but a bit of advice…
Dont try to deal with it all at once. Give yourself a certain amount of time to think about it, feel what your feeling talk about it with someone…Then go do something, anything that will take your mind off it for a while. Come back to it later…talk about it with anyone who will listen, this board is full of people, 24/7 who will listen…
Brent, please don’t beat yourself up about this. I know that is easier said than done, but PLEASE. Don’t DO THIS TO YOURSELF.
No one, and I repeat NO ONE, grieves in the same way. And no one responds to a tragedy, or a situation, in the same way. There is really nothing you could have done to help your niece by visiting, and you did what you could do.
It is so much harder to lose a small one than someone who has lived a good long life, like your beloved grandfathers. That is so hard too, but at least you have the comfort of knowing that you were able to SHOW/TELL them you loved them, cherished them, appreciated them. That they were allowed to live their life, and they were allowed to live it in whatever way they chose. Evidentally, since you loved them so much, they lived their lives wonderfully. It doesn’t help, really, when you lose someone you love and adore, but…eventually time gives you some perspective and you realize that although you weren’t ready to lose them, at least they have left a legacy of love that you can embrace. A warmth that lives in your soul.
With darling Abigail, you weren’t able to. She never had the chance to live her life. That hurts, and it hurts badly.
I am so sorry, and I am praying for you and your family. And sending best healing thoughts and hugs. I believe that she is up in heaven with my own beloved mother, and mom is (if I know her at all, and I DO…) giving Abigail loving hugs and cuddles. I know that isn’t much comfort, but it is all I can do.
Much Love,
Cheri
{{{Brent}}}
I am sorry for your loss, but your post worries me…please, take care of yourself. You say you don’t know what to say, but you have already said a little to us in those few lines above…this is a wonderful. caring community, and we will always be here, and ready to listen, but we are not by your side, though we might wish we could be. There are people who are closer to you, right now, who can help you deal with this grief. And remember, you are not at fault. It is a terrible thing to lose one so young, but neither you or anyone else can be blamed for this. You cared about her, and it is difficult to see someone in a hospital, and that is not something you should feel ashamed of.
Please, Brent, go find someone you can talk to. A family member, a friend, a priest, minister, doctor. There are a lot of people who can help you, and from what I can see…you need that help to deal with your grief. I know the pain is very near, and time will help, but believe me, talking to someone can, too. It does no good to Abigail’s memory for you to hurt so much, too.
Take care of yourself, and keep us updated if you can.
God, thank you to everyone, it means the world to me. Not only am I angry (I don’t even know at what really), but I’m also very ill at the hospital in which we had Abigail…
…my sister was in the room, and the Dr. “pulled the plug” without even asking my sister if it was ok, he did it under his own power without even telling my sister he was going to do so, and did so in front of my sister, her 12 year old son. He didn’t ask at all, and left my entire family without a last chance to see her alive. Is that even legal to do?
It also hurts me so listening to the 12 year old describe it to me, as it has really troubled him, I can just tell. The way he talks about it, describes it, and for him to be forced to see that makes me very angry at the hospital, and wish that we could do something about what they did.
Oh man…I am so, so sorry.
Brent, I’m terribly sorry for your loss.
There is a support group that you may want to consider contacting, that deals specifically with personal grief and infant loss, as they may be able to offer you some guidance in this most tragic time.
Wishing you peace,
Funions
so sorry for your loss.
heartfelt condolences to you and yours.
and yes, take it up with the hospital about the doctors actions. that was unnecessarily cruel.
I am so very sorry…prayers are with you and your family.
You have my deepest sympathies.
Haj
I can’t believe that’s legal to do without a signed consent form. I think your sister should consult a lawyer on this one.
Time is the only thing that will heal this. Don’t be afraid to grieve, and don’t worry about not seeing her…I don’t know that you would have been allowed to see her in PICU anyway, since you weren’t her mother or father. I could be wrong on this one, though.
I think the added pain comes from the doctor’s actions, and the extra trauma to you sister and your older nephew.
You are in my thoughts.
I don’t think a lawyer is called for just yet, but I do think the hospital administration needs to be made aware of the insensitive actions of the doctor.
Robin
Brent, I am so sorry. You don’t have to apologize or express bewilderment at how you feel–as others have noted, everyone grieves differently and there is no “right” way to do it and no predetermined benchmark for how bereft you should feel as an uncle.
I know you feel bad for not going to the hospital, but not everyone can “do” hospitals. You can let your sister know how you feel and lend her your support, which is the most important thing.
When my son was in the NICU, the rocking chair by his bed had a memorial plaque on it with a baby’s name. A baby who didn’t make it after a month of fighting. I thought about that a lot as I rocked my son (who was pretty healthy and came home after a week). I still think about that family and that baby almost four years later. I also think of how many hundreds of babies have been rocked in that chair. This may not be something you’re ready to think about, especially if you’re upset with the hospital, but something similar to that might prove to be a nice memorial and way to remember Abigail.
Ohmigod…
I can’t even contemplate what you all must feel like. My heart goes out to you.
You’ve gotten some good advice here…give yourselves time to grieve, guilt-free. If your sister still wants to, there is plenty of time for lawyers later on. Maybe if you keep a journal of what you’re thinking and feeling now, it can serve dual purposes: catharsis for you, and help in remembering all the details later.
I’m so sorry. I work in Labor and Delivery as an RN and you can bet those special care RNs in the baby ICU will rip that insensitive doctor a new asshole if what he did was truly inappropriate.
I feel for your broken heart and hope Angel Babies or some other support group in your area can give you some comfort until your heart is ready to go on a little.
Brent
I am so sorry for the loss your whole family has suffered. I doubt your pain is the greatest pain felt but it’s the greatest pain you are feeling if that makes sense.
People grieve differently. It sucks but there you have it. It would be so much easier if we all could deal with the pain in the same way at the same time but it doesn’t work that way. My marriage nearly died over that simple fact.
My email’s below. If I can be any help at all LMK. My son died before birth nearly 11 years ago.