My sociopathic alcoholic mother died.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven’t been back to this post in a while. As I mentioned before it’s tough trying to juggle everything that’s going on.

The memorial BBQ was on the 15th. I know she would’ve wanted it, but it’s tough because when I think of her and BBQs I automatically think of how she would get too drunk at them.
It was a nice summer day when we went to the cemetery. I got choked up when I saw the box of her ashes again, just like the first time I saw it. To think that all that remained of her was all contained in that tiny box is hard to accept. We spread it on the grave, some relatives said some nice things about her, and then we had the bbq.
At the bbq I couldn’t help but to look at all the alcoholics in my family. There are a lot. I know there wasn’t going to be some magical moment where all the alcoholics would decide to stop drinking in mom’s honor but…I don’t know. I’m so tired of thinking and overanalyzing alcoholism and realizing that I’m too small to stop it.

Traci, it’s interesting that you asked that. I remember my last therapist I had said “I think it would be good for you to forgive your mother.” (She was still alive, this was about a year and a half ago.) I was interested in learning, but our sessions had run out and I had therapy since. I guess I am still interested but I don’t know how. I don’t know what good it could do, if even possible.

I wish I had a normal, a control to compare herself to. Something to say "Oh, before the alcohol she was so nice/helpful/caring/etc.) But I don’t. She was an alcoholic all my life so like I’ve said before…I don’t know if it was the alcohol or if she was just truly a selfish person to the core.

I wish I had good memories of her. I have only two. She raked a pile of leaves for me to jump in and once she played in the sandbox with me. I’m sad that’s all I have of her. No memories of her facial expressions or emotion or what she said, just those two things. I’d even consider hypnosis in the hopes of recalling more memories. The closest I remember to “good” memories are factual like “She was a good cook” and “She let me have that laser tag party when I was 13.”

I just wish I had more.

I think the one thing I did inherit from my mom, funnily enough, is the ability to hold a grudge for a long time. I’m just mad…it feels like she was sunshine that turned into a storm, destroying everything in its path and then disappearing and leaving everyone to deal with the wreckage.

I know I need a lot of therapy. I needed a lot of therapy even before her death and now just even moreso. I just don’t have the time, money, or energy right now.

Shanya, my mom sounds like that too, the Jekyl and Hyde thing from what relatives told me.

I still see my mom in my dreams. I dreamt she was walking away from me as I yelled at her. “Was it worth it?! Was all the drinking worth it?!” She never turned back.

Sometimes I have the standard dream of her. Before she died, I used to have nightmares that her and her current boyfriend broke up and she had moved back home and would occupy the living room as before. The house became trashed as before and she would smoke inside and drink without a care. During these dreams I would run away only for her to pursue me, yell at her, sometimes just hit the shit out of her. I never did this in real life of course, but often in my dreams. I wonder if this is a sign of repressed anger?

My last type of dreams I have of her is trying to get her to change before this all happens. In one dream I had a telephone into the past and was telling her what would happen if she didn’t stop drinking. In another of these dreams I was in the past and saw my dad and her, young and beautiful. I wanted to explain to her that I was her daughter from the future and everything that was going to happen, but I was so overcome by sadness all I could do was stand there and sob.

I’m so sorry for all the dopers who have gone through similar experiences. I know how much mine has hurt and I hate that others have experienced similar.

I’d like to think that my mom was full of good intentions but got lost in alcoholism along the way. She wanted to be a nurse. She did help a lot of people. She made crafts when I grew up. I think I have some of her craft skills. I hope to be a speech therapist at a rehab so I like to think that I am a continuation of what she never achieved during her life.

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I think the fact that alcoholism is so prevalent in your family probably does say that there is a powerful force - a genetic predisposition or some kind of self-medication for some kind of problem - that was a reason why your mother drank and why she wouldn’t - possibly couldn’t - stop even for something as important as you.
My own experiences with alcoholics have led me to believe that many of them really do feel powerless to stop, and their thinking is distorted by denial, lying to themselves, and just not thinking straight because of all the alcohol.

I can’t imagine how painful it must be that your only memories of your mom are tainted by the alcohol. I find it hard to imagine that any mother would intentionally choose to do that to her child if she was thinking clearly and in her right mind.

I certainly am not saying that I know all the details about what happened in your family. I’m just saying that it might be easier to try to forgive your mom if you think of her alcoholism in terms of having compassion for someone who had a compulsion/sickness and wasn’t thinking clearly about it rather than someone who intentionally chose to reject you for the sake of the alcohol.
If you do feel angry about what she did to you, I think that is totally understandable - you did lose so much because of drinking that I think anyone would be angry. But maybe in time, it will be possible to try to forgive her.

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If you haven’t already, niko, you might want to read the AA Big Book.

When I met my dad he’d been sober 3 years – I was well into my 20s, married with a kid when we met. We were just starting to build a relationship and a few months later he fell off the wagon and things got nasty. I cut him out of my life completely; the next time I saw him was in his casket.

I thought for a while after things blew up that if I’d been “worth it,” he’d have stayed sober, and I blamed myself for somehow not being good enough to have kept him sober. Not only was I not worth GETTING sober for as a baby, I wasn’t worth STAYING sober for as an adult.

Bill W. straightened me out and showed me my dad’s problem started loooooooong before I was even born and had nothing to do with me.

Give it a shot, take what you like and leave the rest.

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My mother and I have been trying to be civil to one another lately and it is not working. I am not being the bigger person so I think I just need to take a step back.

I am so angry at her. It just never seems to go away. I can put it away for a while but when she lashes out, it all comes back. The gifts with strings. The back handed compliments. The jealously at my successes. She used to drink a lot, too. Scotch. She doesn’t anymore. And she is still the same manipulative narcissist that she ever was.

I am sad for all of you who have a mother like mine whether they are still alive or not. I hope we can all find peace one day.

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Panda, thank you for the book tip. I’ll look into it. I’ve been having similar questions…What if I had told her my feelings? What if I had told her that I’d be willing to drop everything to help her get sober? What if…I know that there is only so much I could’ve done and that if other family members begging failed then I would be no different. But there’s always that little nagging voice that floats around whispering “You should’ve done more. You should’ve tried harder. You pushed her away and look what happened.” You’re right, I know that her problem began before I was born. It’s just so hard to shake those voices that say “She chose beer over you and your siblings. She would rather stay drunk all day than to have a meaningful relationship with you.” It sucks. :frowning: I’ll look into that book, maybe go back to Al-Anon when I get the time someday. Like here, it helps to hear others speak and know I’m not alone.

Lavender, there’s definitely a genetic predisposition for addiction in my family. Both my grandfathers were alcoholics. My mom has an alcoholic sister as well. My dad is also an alcoholic and has 1 or 2 other alcoholic siblings. My brother is an alcoholic. It’s always been around me everyday; I think that’s why it took me so long to realize my mom was an alcoholic since that was just the norm I was used to. I have my own problems (I won’t even begin to list them here, too many!) but I was always glad that I escaped the allure of alcohol.

The toxicology results came back. According to the report she most likely died of a heart attack. My family felt like that was a cop out, I guess they were expecting something more extreme? I don’t think they understand that all the underlying circumstances is probably what brought about the heart attack. The sickness, the alcoholism, the anorexia, and the chain smoking…She put a lot of abuse on her heart and I think it finally gave up. I just hope it was as quick and as painless as possible. :frowning:

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Niko, there was nothing that you could have done for your mother while she was actively drinking and caught in the grip of her alcoholism. It runs in my family too, and while I am also thankful that I avoided that trap, growing up with an alcoholic and a co-dependent made it impossible for me to avoid entirely the trap of magical thinking: that, with enough effort on my part, I could somehow save a loved one from his/herself. That it was my responsibility. That denial and minimization were normal. That if I were good enough, it could avert disaster. That my parents were awful to themselves, each other, and their children because I WASN’T good enough. Basically, that everything bad is my fault. And I took that mantle on because, sad and hopeless as it was, it was less frightening than admitting that I was powerless and had NO control. At least if the problem was ME, there was a chance that I could change things. Myself. And magically, everyone else would be OK too.

A person caught up in alcoholism will do anything to feed that addiction. It isn’t as if they think, I am going to destroy my life and neglect my kids in order to drink. The trap is far more insidious than that, and starts with self-loathing and self-pity. If the alcoholic doesn’t see herself as worthy of loving and being loved, she can minimize the impact that her drinking has on her loved ones. The diseased part of the brain that needs that fix will say anything, make any justification, to get that drink (or drug of choice). It is also why getting sober for someone else never works. The addict won’t see him/herself as selfish so much as damaged goods unworthy of your love. Even sometimes as they demand it. AA requires 12 steps, and seeking forgiveness from others, for many reasons, but the most powerful of these would start with the process of forgiving oneself. The saddest thing about a person caught in the trap of addiction is that he/she must begin the process of sobriety alone… In that, a decision must be made that they ALONE are worthy of salvation. You stood no chance of rescuing your mom. In all likelihood, had you not distanced yourself, you would have only gone down with her.

When I was in my 30’s, I began to attend al-anon meetings. It was a lifesaver for me, in that it helped me to realize and own my OWN baggage, independent of the addicts in my family. I was not the good, obedient daughter/friend/wife/sister that I’d painted myself to be. I was in reality so ANGRY and feeling so victimized by others, I couldn’t cut the ties and move forward to a meaningful life with my husband. Although I am not chemically dependent, many of my behaviors were every bit as toxic towards achieving healthy relationships. When I saw the very real desire to rescue my troubled family members as a need to exert control, it helped me to let go in a loving way.

Family members who are actively using are no longer welcome in my home. Years ago, I threw my youngest brother out of my home and despaired as my worst fears came true: he was homeless and spent years living on the streets and in shelters when he was lucky. But I did realize, I could not save him. I could choose to destroy myself and my marriage with him, or I could save my own life and pray that he would one day save his. Acknowledging that I truly was powerless to influence anyone but myself brought a very unexpected peace that I hadn’t anticipated. But it took a lot of work, and a willingness to see things as they are — ugly as hell at times – rather than how I desperately wanted them to be.

Please let go of the notion that you could have influenced change in your mother’s life. You could not. That is a fact.

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It’s absolutely possible to love someone while not liking them very much. Case in point: my father. My parents separated and eventually divorced more than 25 years later. I wasn’t very fond of him back when they were still living together anyway.

By the time he died he was practically a stranger, but I still mourned. That suprised me, but still I went with it.

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I am sorry for your loss, your mother did have some illness.