My son wants me to apologize for ruining his day

In My Humble Opinion
61

The problem with it is that the parent didn’t ruin his day, even if he thinks so. He ruined his own day, by (take your pick):

-Not doing his homework
-Being surly about being asked to take responsibility for his own schoolwork
-Brooding over the imagined slight and allowing it to ruin his mood for the day

Apologizing reinforces his delusion that this is all somehow his parent’s fault, instead of encouraging him to man up and take responsibility for his own life.

Would things have gone smoother if the conversation had happened another time? Yeah, probably. But we don’t get the luxury in this life of dictating when and where unpleasant news comes to us. Part of being an adult is learning to deal with stuff like that, and 14 is the age where these lessons begin big-time.

62

Your son is manipulating you, and you are letting him.

63

Note that I’m not advocating an apology, but rather pointing out that now may be time to start considering the kid as a young adult whose opinions do matter.

If any other member of the family made a simple and reasonable request like “Hey, in the mornings I am kind of spazzed out and I find the car to be a bit of a high pressure setting. Do you think we could keep that kind of a neutral space and have our serious discussions in the evenings when there is more time to work things through” you would probably find that pretty reasonable and try to stick to that. I don’t see why you would suddenly disregard that kind of request simply because the asker is 14 rather than 34.

My suggestion would be to try to work this out on a semi-adult level. Remind him that you are not responsible for how his day goes, but that you are willing to work with him to find a better time to have these talks. Maybe come up with some kind of nightly routine- cups of hot chocolate or lemonade or something- that includes homework talk.

I’m only so passionate about this because my mother’s method of dealing with this stuff was to ambush me in the car on the hour-long drive to skating practice. We had a very different communicating style. She wanted to have long talks, completely working through the emotional aspects of the problem before figuring out practical solutions. I, on the other hand, needed a bit of time alone after a conflict to get past my defenses. Then could I begin to rationally approach the problem, acknowledge the other side’s point, and propose solutions.

As a result, these car rides became a time of dread. Even know, I get a lead feeling in my stomach just thinking about them. To me, it was my mom hitting me with all this emotional stuff when I could not escape. Backed into a corner with an hour ahead of me, I’d get immediately defensive. What happened every time is I’d keep defending myself until it got to yelling, then eventually I’d break down and cry, and finally we’d start talking about solutions. This happened countless times, until I eventually quit skating in part because the drive became so stressful. It took until long after I left home for our relationship to heal, and even today there is some residual distance and when I visit home I can’t shake the feeling that I’m about to get jumped with something.

A lot of that could have been avoided if my mom had just been willing to give me ten minutes to collect myself before starting a conflict. She’s not wrong and I wasn’t wrong. We just had an incompatible conflict style. In the end, it’s not what’s right or wrong that matters- it’s what works. Any couple having these kinds of problems would probably try a counselor to find a way of addressing issues that doesn’t lead to a breakdown. Living with a teenage kid really isn’t that different, you have to find something that works. And since the parent is the one with the power, that often means the parent is the one who has to change their approach. Of course they shouldn’t have to, but if they don’t want the same problems to keep happening, it’s still a good thing to consider.

64

Yeah, but I’m assuming (hoping!) your boss doesn’t call you during your morning drive to get on your case about stuff. Plus there’s a whole lot of serious research showing that many teens really honestly have legitimate issues with dealing with early morning hours. Letting the teen weasel out of ever having discussions about responsibilities/completed assignments is out of the question, but mutually agreeing on a set time period to have them is not abdicating all parental responsibility and letting him run rampant, either.

I don’t think freckafree legitimately ruined his whole day, but to a teen, it might feel close enough. Alternately, he might feel like previous indications about his not wanting to talk Big Issues early in the morning did no good, so he has to be dramatic to try to make a point.

65

Being sensitive to the fact that her son is obviously having a difficult time is NOT giving into manipulation. I think it’s good to try out “rules” or an “agreement” around the procedure of handling stressful or difficult topics. Like, not having unpleasant discussions on the car ride to school. That’s a rule I can get behind. I use my morning commute time to relax.

Of course, if he’s constantly forgetting assignments, the “rules” may need to be changed. But the idea of accommodation and sensitivity is a good one. There’s a difference between trying to accommodate someone you love and allowing them to manipulate you. The former means that both of your needs are important and worthy of consideration. The latter happens when his needs/desires consistently take preference over yours.

66

I agree with this. And in light of this, I find it interesting there are so many people saying the kid should “grow up” or “man up”. Not only am I a grown up, but I’m a even a man. It’s hard to think of an exactly parallel situation between two adults but I certainly would not have an uncomfortable conversation on my way to work while I was trapped in a car knowing we had a definite time limit and might not be able to finish the conversation.

Not only would it not ruin my day, but nobody would even have to apologize because as an adult I’ve always felt comfortable saying “this isn`t a good time to have this conversation” and ending it before it starts.

So I don`t think he needs an apology but the people telling him to grow up apparently have very different ideas of what being a grown up is than I do.

67

:wink: I know what my Mother would do and that is why I would never ask!

Still I was a strict parent and would not tolerate this blame game one bit. Apologize for ruining his day??? :confused:

First of all why are you driving him? Can he take the bus or is he private? I’d make him walk or take the bus. You are going out of your way to bring him to school which he does not appreciate.

Secondly at 14 let him worry about his assignments. If he fails he can’t blame anyone but himself. He does not to seem to appreciate your help.

Thirdly, He sounds like a very manipulative kid. You need to break him at 14 or he will be uncontrollable in a couple years. No one treats me with disrespect and gets away with it. ‘I never reward bad behavior, ever’. That was bad behavior and I would not say a word until he apologizes. He knows he is wrong and he needs to learn you will not take his baloney. Give him the cold shoulder, actions speak louder then words. Blow him off completely until he says he is sorry.

Stop helping him. Let him be responsible as much as possible for his homework. He will be going into high school and needs to take care of it.

Sometimes it is not what you say, but what you don’t, that forces them to think about their actions.

68

This is going to sound all wrong and heartless and crappy, and I don’t mean it that way - I promise! But, based on the housework thread…

I’d say the best way to handle it short term is to sit down and explain that, if he’s stopped doing his homework, you get to pick when you talk about it.

Long term, the best way to handle it is to kick out your lazy, good for nothing husband, and show your son that you are worthy of being respected. And then take him out for some ice cream :slight_smile:

69

So what? Not trying to be snarky, but just because teens have “issues” doesn’t mean a parent should walk on eggshells when dealing with them on important matters or apologize for upsetting their fragile universes because they told them to do something nicely. I mean, everyone has issues. Women have issues every month, but we don’t expect the boss to ask who’s on their period before they check on that TPS report. Part of growing up is learning how to manage your own issues without expecting accomodation.

Would it be nice if Mom always talked to the son when he’s optimally receptive and amenable? Sure. Is she obligated to do that? No. Should she accept surliness from her son whenever she has the audacity to tell him something he doesn’t want to hear? Heck no. Should she apologize because he had a bad day after she asserted her parental authority…something she wouldn’t have had to do had he had stuff together? Hell in the naw.

70

You are older then your boy,you have a lot more life experience then he has, you have also been to school, gone through adolescence etc. whereas he hasn’t any experience of being an adult,being a parent and having to support himself and others.

So he is not your equal and has no grounds whatsoever for demanding apologies from you doing your job as a parent.

He sounds as though he has all the makings an immature, self pitying, sulky, over emotional little brat.

I was a fourteen year old boy myself once and I can assure you that you don’t demand apologies from your parents.

You won’t be doing him a favour by giving in to his attempts at manipulation.
All you’ll do is create a person who when they become an adult will unable to cope with the world.

“Poor little me I got told off for being late to work, the worlds so unfair etc. boo hoo.”

Put your foot down and tell him off for being cheeky, and tell him to amend his behaviour in the future.

I was a fourteen year old boy

71

Agreed.

Like his father.

72

If that were *my *kid, the only response he’d get would be a good few minutes of my derisive laughter, followed by a grounding and loss of any and all privileges and allowances.

I’m all for letting kids be people, you know, but really - you did nothing wrong, and he just wants to be in a snit. You were doing your job as a parent, you have nothing to apologise for, and he does. Until he learns that, treat him like the baby he behaves as.

73

Obviously she’s having problems dealing with getting him to face up to his responsibilities in general and around the clock, so picking a better time to confront him about it is probably the smarter move. If he starts trying to duck her during a negotiated time then she can go for it and drop the bomb whenever, but intentionally doing something to a teen that they find tough to deal with, when there are other options, is rather unkind.

And no, I’m not saying that parents have to be understanding all the time. I’m just saying that if you’re not, you’re gonna have to expect some pushback. It sounds to me like both the OP and the teen are being grouchy about this, and a little compromise isn’t an insane idea.

74

On further consideration, I can get on board with the idea that there are good times and bad times to bring up this subject with him - my own husband is not a morning person, and I don’t even bother trying to have serious discussions with him in the morning (he’ll be much crabbier than usual, and may not even remember them). If I can give my husband that courtesy, I suppose a parent can do that much for an adolescent child.

75

I think there are some cultural issues at play here. Giving my parents “pushback” because they dared to ask about some missing assigments at a time and place that didn’t meet my exact preferences would have resulted in* me* being pushbacked into last week. My parents would not have expected me to say anything except “okay” in response to their request, and I don’t see why it should work differently in the OP’s house. The OP is the boss and he is not.

Given what the OP has shared on this board, I don’t think the problem is being unaccomodating. I think it’s the polar opposite. The very fact that she has to ask us whether or not to apologize to her son when he actually owes one for disrespecting her, suggests that she has compromised on one too many things already. Especially when one considers that she already apologized for breaking “the morning rule”, and yet he’s still fishing for more groveling.

76

I agree with this, too, although I’ve been arguing the opposite side here. One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned as the stepparent of an adolescent is picking your battles. It’s important, as a parent, to be sensitive and realistic in your expectations. However, like so many things, attitude plays a huge role. If this were my son, and he approached me saying, “Hey, Smeghead, I had a rough time today, and it started when you got on my case this morning, yadda yadda yadda,” my response would be sympathetic and I’d be willing to admit I could have handled it better, blah blah blah.

However, if he did like the OP said and came up to me demanding an apology from way atop his high horse, he’d get the reactions I’ve already posted. It’s the difference between a request and a demand, or between him treating me respectfully or disrespectfully.

77

I just read some of the OPs other threads. Wow. I think her problems run much deeper than daring to speak to her child at a non-convienent time.

freckafree, I’m a public defender. The vast majority of my clients have serious problems accepting personal responsibility for their actions. This is a big reason why they become my clients. Nothing is EVER their fault. Missed their court date? Not their fault. I should’ve just appeared for them so that warrant wouldn’t have gotten issued. Got arrested 5 times in a week? Not their fault, cops are harassing them, man! The really bad part is when they bring their mommies to court with them. Mommy usually wants to get all up in my face, frequently interrupting me when I’m trying to talk to their pwecious angel, ready with excuses (gee, wonder where the refusal to accept personal responsibility comes from.)

Fortunately, I’m in a position where I can yell at mommy to step the f back and let me talk to my client in private. Then I get to shame my client for, as an adult, bringing their mommy to court with them (the fact that I’m a young looking female who regularly gets hit on by said clients makes the shaming a bit easier.) Mommy’s phone calls never get returned. Unfortuantely for me and my clients, it’s usually too late to fix the damage that has already been done by mommy’s coddling.

Point is, allowing your child to avoid personal responsibility is not doing him any favors. You are hurting him. Unintentionally, of course, but hurting him all the same. Allowing him to see your husband treat you disrespectfully and you just keep on taking it year after year is not helping him. He is growing up to learn that it is normal to treat women disrespectfully and that nothing is ever his fault. He’s also learning it’s okay to lie to get out of trouble (tell me you don’t actually believe that ridiculous homework story.)

Coddling your child and letting them grow up to believe that the world revolves around them and that people need to accomodate their every whim will only serve to cripple him later in life.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but spending 40+ hours a week with people who are damaged due to ineffective parenting makes it frustrating as hell to hear about it on a board and not go off.

78

“I’m sorry you’re such an asshole, son”

79

At this point I would have pulled over and read him the riot act. DON’T EVERY hand me attitude about homework or try to make it my fault it isn’t done.

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa.

Boy, You ever ask me that again I’ll have you tested for drugs. Stop playing the martyr and do your homework. There is no debate here. If I have to review all your work on a daily basis because you can’t structure your time then I will assign additional work. Are we clear on this? (all said in a calm voice).

If there is something going on in your life that’s making you act this way then speak up. It’s not doing you any good keeping it in.

80

Pick the right time to tell your lazy little brat to do what he’s supposed to do ?

Dont make me laugh !

Whats the betting if you’re going to tell him off he’s feeling tired, tell him that you’re taking him to Disney and surprise, surprise he’s wide awake !

Time to take a wake up call as regards parenthood.

You’ve still got to do the right thing even when it makes you feel uncomfortable.