The advantage of an apology is that [list=A][li]It costs you nothing, and [*]It has IMO at least a fighting chance of leading into a productive discussion about homework. More so, IME, that any variation on “cry me a fucking river, punk”, however satisfying that may be to a frustrated parent. [/list]I don’t intend to suggest that the apology be the end of it - that would be manipulative. I meant it to be a lead-in so some kind of hopefully productive talk about “how can we help make sure you get your homework done on time? And oh, by way, congratulations on the excellent result on your presentation - I’m proud of what you can do”. [/li]
If a six word apology that means essentially nothing except “I am willing to listen to you” helps, then I don’t see a downside.
Obviously I don’t know the son and I don’t know the mother or the situation in general. If this is part of a larger pattern where the son tries to shift the blame chronically for his own lack of follow-up, that’s one thing. If it’s just teen-age angst and dram like it sometimes is, that is something else - something to defuse rather than react to.
Parents can sometimes get a feel for when their teenagers are trying to get away with stuff, and when they are just cranky. You overlook the second when you can.
My folks didn’t do that except on very very rare occasions (I was a hard headed little kid), but I became very familiar with that confused WTF look that says “what bug crawled up your ass today?”.
But then, my folks also did not have to follow any “when you old guys are allowed to talk to me” rule either.
NO! Do NOT do one of those fake apologies – you will sound like a lying politician.
Either apologize (“I’m sorry I started in on you about that in the car” - - because doing this when he is trapped in the car with you does rather seem like picking on a cornered beast to me), or flat out say that you refuse to apologize for doing your job as a parent.
But do not do some fake half-apology.
One of the problems seems to be that he is lying to you (duh – he’s 14!) about the assignments. So you should not start lying to him with fake apologies.
I dunno. It would have pissed me off for someone to bring up things like that when I had something else on my mind that early (women and men think differently and have different thought processes) but I wouldn’t have talked to my mom this way either.
Its sort of a bizarre situation. It amazes me how other people my age (26) grew up. My mom used to beat me with rebar instead of nag me. You know nagging still pisses me off to no end. I can deal with almost anything but nagging.
Thing is, if you never discipline your kid, instead opting for the whole “I’m going to treat him like an equal and try to negotiate and allow him to make rules for when I get to speak to him about things, and pretty much let him rule the house” your only option left is nagging.
If your child neither respects nor has any sort of healthy fear of you, he’s not going to go out of his way to do anything just because you tell him to. You’re gonna have to nag him until he gets so tired of listening to you he’ll do what you tell him to just to get you to shut up!
Of course, if you obey his rules about when you’re allowed to talk to him, I guess nagging wouldn’t work either…
I find it interesting that the OP hasn’t been back to this thread in awhile. Speaks to her inability to deal with confrontation.
freckafree, I’m very sorry you feel you have to hide from unpleasant things instead of facing them and dealing with them. No one is trying to hurt you here, we’re just trying to help, honestly. If you continue to bury your head in the sand, things will only get worse.
What if he’s really doing it though? In high school I did all my homework, showed it to my mom, and threw it away before class because I was afraid of turning it in. I even went so far as to delete whole essays from my computer so I had to redo them when it eventually turned up that they “weren’t graded” because I was so afraid of getting a bad grade (no, not logical, I would have gotten close to straight As if I’d turned everything in on time, but I had severe depression and anxiety). So yes, I showed completed, immaculate work to my mom, and proceeded to get rid of it. As far as my mom knew I did it, so she knew the teachers weren’t right when they thought I wasn’t doing it. Eventually I started showing the teachers (the ones who requested it) so they knew I did it and sneaking it out of the turn in pile and getting rid of it, thereby confusing the teachers too.
Every time my mom yelled and started crying at me about missing assignments I got scared and redoubled my efforts not to turn it in because it reinforced that I wasn’t good enough to turn in satisfactory work. Hell, if I was getting over it and doing better, her mentioning it at ALL (i.e. mentioning that I’ve been doing well and complimenting me) would make me STOP turning it in because I’d remember the fights when I didn’t and get scared again.
Maybe he is just lazy, but if he’s getting that worked up over bringing it up before class it could very well be part of a larger problem. Could it be worth it to take him to a psychologist for a screening, just in case?
No. He sounds like an ordinary, somewhat lazy, somewhat spoiled 14 year old who lies about doing his homework, and has managed to wrap his mom around his finger to such a degree that he expects an apology for being nagged about it.
Just because you had severe problems at his age doesn’t mean everyone else does.
Taking him to a psychologist will only make his attitude worse, because he’ll pick up new ways to explain why nothing he does is his fault.
Jragon, not to take away from your experience, but I feel it is exponentially more probable that the OPs son is simply lying about doing his homework than suffering from some weird neurotic inability to physically hand in his homework, despite having completed it.
Besides, I’d be willing to wager the OP has never actually seen her son’s homework, as opposed to your situation.
I wonder if she lets her kid get away with the tantrums; whether another wife will be making the same posts fifteen years down the road about her own lazy,self pitying feckless husband who just happens to be her grown up (In years not maturity of course) son?
And whether or not that hypothetical wife will be having problems with a spoiled brat of a child.
Thanks, all who have responded. I think my OP didn’t really contain the degree of eye-rolling that I intended.
I really do think this is typical 14-year-old stuff. It’s complicated by the rest of the situation and probably intensified by his being an only child. When you see your siblings being rewarded for good behavior and punished for bad, it puts things in perspective.
I don’t think he’s spoiled. He does help around the house. He keeps his room neat. When I ask him to do things like shovel the driveway or help carry in firewood (not our main heat source – the fireplace is no more than a nice thing on a cold evening), he does it cheerfully. If you read my other thread about my husband…it’s kind of difficult to expect my kid to load the dishwasher when the there’s a monumental pile of disgusting dishes in the sink.
Re: Giving him a ride to school…he was walking until we had all the snow. He’ll start walking again after spring break (i.e., week after next).
Re: Hounding him during the ride…I printed the stuff off and handed it to him. No nagging. It was straightforward. He focused on the one class where he insisted he’d turned things in, and that’s what started the whole thing.
lezlers, I’m keenly aware of the possibility you describe.
The list of things I need to work on with a therapist, when I find one, is getting longer. I’ve got three good leads. I’ll let you know how things progress.
Thanks, all who have responded. I think my OP didn’t really contain the degree of eye-rolling that I intended.
The list of things I need to work on with a therapist, when I find one, is getting longer. I’ve got three good leads. I’ll let you know how things progress.
Goodluck, Parenting was the hardest job I ever loved. It was sometimes harder on me then on them but it is so nice when they grow up and you feel proud of them. It’s like all the work we put into our kids paid off. It also insures that their children will most likely benefit from it too.
Therapy will be helpful with the divorce process. Kids feel that too and this may be part of his snapiness.
I agree with Shodan. I’m all about the idea of teaching kids personal responsibility, but making fun of them or dismissing their feelings out of hand is going too far. These are human beings, not little machines meant to do your bidding.
I think kids should be given a reasonable doubt. If he’s upset, it’s most likely not at you. There may be an element of manipulation there, but it doesn’t mean his feelings aren’t real. While I would not accept responsibility for ruining his day, I would acknowledge the pain/frustration and try to think constructively about ways to avoid that situation happening in the future. This would include conversation about HIS responsibilities.
Do I think it’s unreasonable for a 14 year old to request certain subjects be discussed at certain times of day? Not at all. I have an agreement with my husband not to talk to him about important issues in the morning. People who love one another try to be accommodating to one another. It doesn’t matter if his boss wouldn’t give him a pass – your family is not a place of business, it’s a place where you are loved and supported. The fact that one of those family members isn’t as cognitively advanced or autonomous isn’t a good enough reason to not respect their personal preferences with regards to things that have nothing to do with their safety or well-being.
I fully believe you can teach a kid responsibility and respect for your rules while at the same time allowing him to shape some elements of the relationship. There’s a vast difference between, ‘‘I would appreciate it if you didn’t talk to me about things like this when I’m cranky in the morning’’ and ‘‘I would appreciate it if you would allow me to stay out until midnight with hookers and blow.’’ There has to be a balance.
If you committed to him not to discuss those things, and you did anyway, then you broke your word. It doesn’t mean you ruined his day, but it does mean you violated his trust and in the very least a conversation should happen to address his feelings. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you get to break your word. That will only teach him that people in power can do whatever they want.
