For a woman who does not have a job to expect her husband, who presumably DOES have a job, to clean up after her cooking is plain LAZY. Would be the same if the gender roles were switched here. Some people do leave dirty pots on the stove overnight, yes. Nothing wrong with that. Dirty pots full of food? Leftovers IS a viable meal, that can be a waste. You’re right, it may be none of her business, but I find it pretty ironic that her SM would bring that up.
In my house, if my mother or I do the laundry, we HAVE to check pockets because the guys leave change, keys, kleenex, wallets, nuts, bolts, grease rags… do you get the idea here? in the pockets. In return for this, we have well used vehicles that run and a happy family unit. If we did not, we would have clothes that did not last as long and useless fights.
On the topic of her not getting a job, she said that 1. She cannot walk even to her mother’s house without fear of reprisal. 2. There’s no thrift shop closer than 10 miles. 3. She can rarely get a car. Is it not unreasonable to think that maybe she does not live near many viable work opportunities? Hell, I did janitorial and landscaping work as a young teen off and on, it was the ONLY work I could find in the area, and only a few hours once a week at that. Most of my friends didn’t have jobs at all. It wasn’t laziness, it was simply not available (outside of babysitting, and the number of kids around here is pretty small). And she did say she was trying.
My parents always did tell me that being a student should be my full-time job anyhow. Doesn’t mean I didn’t have to clean and cook, and it didn’t stop me from spending all of my own hard-earned money on school supplies and clothes.
pennylane, I thought my family were the only people to use that word! (flibertygibit)
No, I don’t receive an allowance. Nor am I bought whatever my little heart desires… in fact my dad never ever takes me shopping because “that’s what I pay your mother child support for.” Doing chores is just part of being a citizen of the house.
Also let me explain what I found wrong with her statement. To me, it implied that they would make the perfect team because she enjoys cooking so much and (she seems to think that) my dad enjoys cleaning so much. But he doesn’t LIKE to clean, he only cleans because he has to clean up after her all the time. Besides which she seems to have forgotten that my dad loves to cook (and is good at it) so his being a member of her perfect team would deprive him of the joy he finds in cooking. And sorry, I have to say flat out I disagree with everyone here who said it’s okay to leave food out overnight. My stepmother leaves pots full of food sitting out on the stove overnight and they get all crusty and frankly, it’s gross. I may not cook much, but when I do I put away everything as I go. That’s how my dad likes to do it too - and I know her slobbiness drives him crazy.
About the jobs, yes the camp director was a bitch… everyone, even my boss, agreed with me there. There were reasons that I couldn’t get another job that are too complicated to explain.
Although I may seem like a brat here, I rarely if ever express these feelings around the house. It’s a constant struggle with myself not to say the things that I am thinking because that’s my nature - I like to argue, and I sure as hell am gonna say something when I’m not happy. I’ve been working really hard on this. What you see here is not the side of myself I present at home - I’m venting. In fact, my stepbrother was visiting us (long story short, even though he’s 16 he doesn’t live with us because he’s a Chasidic Jew) and he asked me how I manage to stay so cool in our house when there is so much fighting going on all the time.
I do find it interesting that even though people jumped all over shimmery and called her everything from a hateful spoiled brat to expressing feelings of sorrow for her stepmom…other than the OP she’s responded in a very quiet and uninflammatory manner. I know that when I was sixteen I would have started cussin’. I think that’s a very redeeming quality actually. I’m not sure if I completely believe the intricacies of her excuses for not having an alarm clock but I do think it sounds like she comes from a tumultuous household and the fact that she’s paying attention to her studies always wins points with me. Get an alarm clock and hang in there shimmery-you’ll probably either get perspective or you won’t but at least you’ll leave one day. And best of luck with your SATs.
Good lord!!! This really makes me anxious about my children growing up into teenagers!! I am 26, so it has not been a really long time since I was that age and believe me, I had a very different attitude. Oh-well. Some people have to actually live outside the parental home to really appreciate life and all its…ugh…glory.
Listen, this is none of your business. I have to say I still think you are absolutely looking for reasons to dislike your stepmother when you get mad at her for cooking/cleaning arrangements she makes with your dad. Who cooks and who cleans between the two of them is just that – between the two of them. Your dad is all grown up; if he wants to cook more or clean less, or if he is in anyway dissatisfied with things he can take that up with her. You don’t have to feel all resentful on his behalf. To me, it just sounds like you are reaching for reasons to dislike this woman.
Once again, with feeling: Your dad’s relationship to his own wife is his business, not yours. Butt out. What possible good will it do for you, her, or your ability to get along with each other for you to be critiquing how she interacts with her own husband? That is none of your business. And as I have already said: If it bugs you that she leaves food out, then put it away yourself. If you’re not willing to do so due to some perceived power struggle, then just deal with how she does things.
If your point in posting that is merely to complain that she doesn’t do things the way you’d like them to be done – okay. Perfectly legitimate complaint, especially when you have to live with her. But if it was posted to show what a bitch she is, it failed. Different people do things different ways. Some are neat and some are messy. That alone doesn’t make anyone a bad person.
The bottom line for me in reading your posts is that it appears that you actively look for reasons to dislike this woman. And I think you’re going to find what you’re looking for. I’m not saying she’s great – how would I know? – but then maybe you’re not a Saint Shimmery yourself? All I’m saying is: Put yourself in her shoes for a minute, if you can. You might find that the change in perspective will help you to understand her better and that in turn might improve your relationship with her. I mean, if that’s what you want to do. But if really what you want to do is continue to hate her and thing she’s awful and just come her to vent about her – well, that’s okay too.
You make a good point, Jodi, about her relationship with my father being none of my business, but I kind of disagree.
First of all, that comment was most certainly my business because she said it when I was alone in the car with her so it was obviously intended for me to hear. (I can’t tell exactly whether you disputed this fact.)
Secondly, maybe you are right but I can’t help feeling like their relationship is my business when I see that my dad is unhappy. I’m not in a position to say whether he’s unhappy with their relationship as a whole. But I do know, from conversations with him, that he’s unhappy about certain things in our household (such as, having to clean up all the time) And that becomes my business when I can see that he’s always tired, always having a fight with someone else in the house, always stressed out about some family thing or other, never able to listen to me because he has too much else on his mind, smoking too much, eating too much, drinking too much (not that he gets drunk and abusive but that its unhealthy for him)… who knows maybe it’s not my business after all but I can’t stand to see him so stressed out all the time.
Also I swear I am not looking for reasons to hate her. I can have good conversations with her sometimes and I think, ‘Maybe she’s not so bad after all…’ but then she does something that completely reminds me again why I don’t like her. I guess that quote was sort of a mild example, but how about when she flips out on the whole family and throws a temper tantrum? Last year she threw a glass and irreparably nicked our dining room table.
I can understand that. But again I’ll ask you: What can you do to help him in a positive way? Do you think you’re of more help to him when you do your best to help out around the house (asked or not), lessening the amount of cleaning up he feels obliged to do, or when you’re fighting with your step mom and being surly because you think she’s a big ol’ bitch? Which do you think is of greater use to your dad? If you see that he’s stressed because he has to clean up after her, you could pitch in. Now, I absolutely understand how galling it would be to help him with this when really you think she should be cleaning up after her own self, but it’s obvious that she doesn’t do that. So what can you do to make your situation (and your dad’s) easier? I’m just not getting how hating his wife lessens the stress on your father.
You mean your dad’s table, of course. Again – not your problem. If she’s acting like a great big child, excuse yourself from the scene of the tantrum. If you can’t, then just stand there and let her vent, with an expression of mildly bored disapproval on your face. Nothing will shape her up faster than realizing that she’s acting in a way so massively immature that her teenaged step-daughter wouldn’t be caught dead behaving that way.
All I’m saying is, you are only responsible for what you do. So often we see ourselves not in terms of how we act, but in terms of how we react to the actions of others. But you are really only in charge of you, and it is within your power to act positively, if you choose to do so. And postive actions reap positive rewards. I’m not telling you to be the Cinderella of your family, but if she fails to do something and it bugs you (like not putting away the food), then do it yourself, for your own peace of mind. Whatever she does, ask yourself: Is this my problem? If it’s not, then let it slide. If it is, then ask yourself how you can deal with it in the way that is easiest for you and best for you and your dad. If you truly don’t like her, then minimize your interactions with her by taking responsibilty for yourself. Do your own laundry. Wake yourself up. Act like an adult and you’ll be treated like one. Even if you’re not treated like one, you’ll at least make her a tiny bit ashamed of having acted like a child.
Shimmery, one thing about relationships is that the only people who really know what is going on are the people involved. It is very, very common to have a relationship where one person ends up being the one who does the nice thing in all the public arenas, but where the other person is nice in the private arena. You only see the tip of the iceburg of what is going on between them. For all you know (and you aren’t gonna like this) she is a veritable sex godess in bed (And don’t tell me “Can’t be, she’s a fat cow.” Looks having nothing to do with sex-godesshood. Since we are talking about your Dad, I won’t tell you what DOES lead to sex-goddesshood.). Or, slightly less icky, every night after they go to bed maybe he goes into an hour long litany about everything that is wrong in his life, and she dedicates that hour to listening and comforting. Or any number of other things. You need to remember that we tend to talk about the things that make us miserable, not the things that make us happy. Don’t you have any friends who nobody understands why you like them, but that is just because nobody else sees the side of them you see?
This goes both ways: Think how she could never really understand all the nuances in you and your dad’s relationship. She simply hasn’t been there for most of it, right? Trust me when I say that you haven’t been there for most of their relationship, either.
To close, you need to trust your father. He’s a smart man, right? A grown-up? If so, he knows what he wants, and he knows whether he was happier before her or is happier now, with her. The fact that he married her and is still with her suggests that he is happier with her. If he wasn’t, he would leave.. He’s a big boy, he dosen’t need you to decide what’s best for him.
Out of these three sentences, I would consider only the last one to be true. Some people stay married to spouses they’d be far happier without, yet cannot seem to recognize that fact.
That may well be true, Cajo, but arm-chair therapists–especially fifteen year-old ones–have no way to tell which couples would be happier apart and which would be happier togther. Unless you have evidence of actual abuse, you have to assume that you are only seeing a highly biased sample of any relationship other than your own. (This applies to all sorts of relationships, not just romantic ones).
Okay, you’re right, I have no way of knowing how my dad really feels. But, 15-year-old armchair therapist though I may be, he does not seem happy. Maybe he would be even less happy without her - I don’t know. All I’m saying is that I don’t like to see my dad unhappy. I know you are all saying that’s his business, I should worry about myself… well this may seem silly but I do care about my daddy and I don’t want him to be unhappy.
As far as him being a big boy, who can make his own decisions, well, no he really can’t. It’s kind of complicated… like, I don’t really know how this carries over but he has a very addictive personality and he really does need someone to force him to do stuff, like quit smoking or go on a diet. He always needs someone to hold his hand with these things. I know he’s my parent and not vice-versa, and I shouldn’t be concerned over these things, but if I don’t help him out, nobody else will. (Credit to my stepmom here, she has tried with these things, albeit pretty much unsuccessfully - this is one thing that I can talk about her with.)
And, if I may, something bothering me about these last few posts is that they seem to disregard things I have said before… for instance, I can’t do my own laundry. I’m not antagonistic around the house. Honestly with this I just stay in my room as much as possible and refuse to get involved in fights. And yet conflict in my house is impossible to avoid.
p.s. Manda JO, you do raise a good point (Just as she can’t understand the nuances of me and my dad’s relationship (and believe me, she doesn’t), I guess I can’t understand the ones in theirs.).
Shimery: Nope, not allowed. See, it’s impossible!
You have rejected every suggestion made with “I can’t, won’t work.” You have ignored suggestions about how you might negotiate for more freedom (formal, written requests, reasoned negotiations). Basically, you act as if you have decided “This situation is completely out of my control. I cannot effect it. Therefore, nothing is my responsibility or my fault.” Let me tell you something: if you are only 15, you haven’t begun to try all the different things you could do to exisit civily with this woman. You haven’t had time. There are literally thousands of things you could try to see if that made getting along with her smoother–we’ve only made the most obvious ones, and you have rejected those as soon as they were suggested. This makes it look like you would reject any suggestion, because you’ve already decided it is hopeless.
Furthermore, don’t think your step-mother and father can’t sense your antaganism. Just becasue you go straight to your room dosen’t mean you don’t send “sullen teenager” rays all through the house.