Sorry I haven’t been back in a while but just a couple things:
I’m not allowed to walk to my mom’s house. It would require me walking through a “dangerous intersection.” And even if I could walk to my mom’s I certainly couldn’t walk to the thrift store… my town is like 100% residential and the nearest thrift store would require about a 10-mile walk and crossing a divided highway (which of course is always exciting).
I’m trying to get a job… I’m actually a certified lifeguard, I worked all this summer without getting paid a dime because the evil directors of my camp twisted the American Camping Association regulations to their advantage, so that I got to pay them to be a CIT instead, and yet do all the work of a lifeguard. Isn’t that fun? I think I might be getting a job at the local Y but I can only really work a few hours a week between school, swim team, and fall lacrosse.
And Muffin, I did already explain the incoherence and swearingness of the OP to Green Bean before you ripped into me about it. But thanks anyway.
Again, thanks to everyone who offered me real advice (and laundry tips).
P.S. For all those of you who are making my stepmom out to be poor Mrs. Shimmery’sdad who has to deal with a bratty stepdaughter, here’s a line she gave me in the car the other day:
“I wish your dad could be a little more laid back because then we would be the perfect team… I love to cook and he loves to clean, so I could cook and he could clean up after me.”
FTR my dad is a neat freak and only cleans up after her cooking because she’s such a slob (yes, she has been known to leave pots full of food out overnight).
and P.P.S. Yeah, I know the PSATs aren’t that important but I have a lot of pressure to do well on them.
My three kids learned early on that you take things out of your pockets BEFORE they go into the hamper. Doesn’t take too many homework sheets being destroyed or washed money (finders keepers) for this to sink in. It’s not brain surgery.
Y’know, I’ve read the whole thread carefully, and I still don’t get it. This is supposed to be an example of what a hag she is? Seems like she simply said “If you’re dad would relax a little about being a neat freak-” – which is what you admit he is – “-we could work as a team, me cooking and him cleaning.” WTF is wrong with that? I don’t cook, so I’m glad to clean up. In fact, “cook-ee no clean-ee” (meaning the cook doesn’t have to clean up after, the non-cooks do) has always been the rule in my family’s house. So what? And she leave pots out overnight?? Heaven forfend! Do that once too often and the earth crashes into the sun, right?
If you personally don’t like food being left out (as I admit I do not), then put it away. If it’s your responsibility to clean up the kitchen, then you should be doing that anyway. If that’s not your responsibility then there’s no reason for you to give a shit about it, is there? I mean, if it bugs you, fix it. If it’s your responsibility, fix it. If it neither bugs you nor is it your responsibility, then why is it any skin off of your nose?
I realize it’s probably not easy being a step-daughter, but I refuse to believe there is nothing you can do about the problems you’re encountering, as if they’re all on her. I mean, sure, a lot of it is probably her fault, but you are old enough now to be responsible for your own behavior. I think you will also find that you are more likely to be treated like an adult if you behave like an adult. So I would ask you to seriously ask yourself these two questions: (1) Have I tried to put myself in my SM’s place, to try to see her point of view and the difficulties she might be encountering in trying to deal with this situation? and (2) Have I really acted like an adult, or at least like a reasonable teen, in how I interact with her? Have I done my best to make our relationship work smoothly? If you can honestly answer “yes” to both questions, then pat yourself on the back and be assured you’re doing the best you can and no one can expect anything more from you. But it sounds to me like you do a pretty poor job of disguising how much you dislike her, and believe me, she knows it. So why would you expect her to treat you well when you treat her so badly? Which of course takes us back to Question No. 1, above: If you were her, and some kid was treating you the way you are now treating her, how would you feel? How would you react?
Bottom line: Take responsibility for your own actions and work on your own behavior. At the very least, you can set a good example for her.
Two things have struck me about this thread. The first is that the OP has made no mention of receiving any kind of an allowance. This makes me wonder if she’s living in a household where she says “I need/want X”, and it’s simply purchased for her (or not) without her developing any real concept of either the cost of her wants (I’m assuming her needs, ie food, shelter and clothing, are being provided for as part of the general parental deal) or the concept of “earning”.
I have quite deliberately kept the issues of my children’s basic allowances and housework (or other chores) separate. A household is a community responsibility and everyone in that household has a responsibility to contribute to its maintenance in an age-appropriate fashion. Similarly, while they are minors I feel it’s reasonable for me to provide them with a small, basic allowance to spend as they wish - anything over and above that, they need to “earn” in some way.
I get the feeling that there is no common set of expectations in the OP’s household. The OP seems to have somewhat unrealistic expectations of how step-mum “should” be, and be a bit unclear of what is expected of her by her family unit. I think this is about something much deeper than the laundry, the alarm clock, or the vacuuming. It sounds very much like this family has not yet redefined itself and is trying to maintain behaviours which worked in the past in a totally different environment.
It’s easy to say “grow up and get real” (and my first impulse is to do so), but people grow up and mature best in environments which are supportive and where what is expected of them is very clear.
I’m going to ask the OP to do a little exercise. Would you please spend about 30 minutes writing a “mission statement” for your family. Ours goes something along the lines of “the purpose of this family is to provide a safe, loving supportive environment which encourages and enables each of us to be the best and happiest people we are capable of being”. Then write a mission statement for yourself. Then ask yourself what positive and negative contributions you are making towards achieving those goals. You don’t need to show any of this to anyone, but you might find that sharing it with a school counsellor will help you focus on what you want and how you can help create it than on what you don’t want. You can’t change other people around you, but you can change how you respond to what they do. You can consciously choose to make more positive contributions than negative ones. Or you can play “poor me” and watch life pass you by - the choice is yours.
I am thoroughly amazed that somebody managed to get themselves a “nega-job”. Now, I’ve worked some pretty shitty jobs (including one where I was officially a volunteer and was given a stipend, so as to get around minimum wage laws), but I’ve yet to see anybody fail to be even unemployed.
Reprise, you have a mission statement for your family?? Good godicorns - I have more than enough of that kind of thing in professional life without bringing it home! Wow.
Shimmery - that statement from your stepmother is the supposed to be an example of how evil she is? The fact that she wants to cook and your dad to clean? Ha! I’ve never expected the cook to wash up in my life. Please try harder.
Why is everyone telling shimmery to grow up? Children should be allowed their childhood. As it is she sounds very mature in her posts. She attempted to respond to people’s criticisms and accusations in a calm and patient manner.
I had a very happy childhood, with two parents who loved me greatly and always woke me up in the morning. I didn’t have many chores to do and I got an allowance. But there were certain rules which my parents imposed on me which I felt were unfair and unreasonable. I wasn’t allowed out much and had to be home very early. Because of this I couldn’t play sports and couldn’t meet with friends after school. Like shimmery, I was a straight A student and felt that I had earned these privileges. My brother, on the other hand, had unlimited freedom. I secretly raged against my parents and cried all the time. But I grew up eventually, of course, and understood that my parents were just worried about me and didn’t want me doing anything dangerous. shimmery will grow up too and will forgive, or at least understand, her stepmother. In the meantime, I think that it’s her stepmother’s responsibility, as the adult, to try to organise things a little better and work on her relationship with her stepchildren. I’m sure it’s hard for her too, and she probably didn’t deserve the harsher insults directed at her. But she does sound like a bit of a… flibbertigibbet.
Ummmm noooooooooooo, we are telling her to grow up and act HER AGE, not grow up and act like an adult. Big difference.
I am a single mom who works. I have always left home before it was time for the kids to wake up for school (when they became old enough to stay home alone). They all have their own alarm clocks and have somehow manage the seemingly impossible task :rolleyes: of getting up and getting themselves off to school all by themselves without momma.
They manage to empty their pockets before putting their dirty clothes into the hampers.
They know I will drag their butts back home or awake from a nap to re-do a chore they have done half-assed.
I don’t have to wipe their butts or noses anymore.
It may surprise you but my kids are doing quite well. They aren’t in therapy, they only feel like Cinderella sometimes, and they certainly aren’t posting on message boards about the horrible things I make them do.
If your children are happy and well-adjusted, that’s because you’re a good mother. Of course some good mothers have miserable children too… but in such cases it is probably just part of growing up.
And you try to teach them some responsibility… or do you expect them to learn it from other mature adults on some message board somewhere?
I’m just saying that I feel a little sorry for shimmery. It seems that her household is a bit of a mess. Maybe her father could do something to help things run a little more smoothly? He seems to be pretty popular all around…
I am really trying to feel a little sorry for shimmery, but there has been nothing in this thread that makes me think her stepmother is doing anything wrong. Virtually everything shimmery has complained about could have easily been prevented if she had taken a little initiative to be responsible for herself. Reading the things she has written sounds like she is looking for every minute, off the wall reason to hate her stepmom even more. She was appalled that her stepmom suggested the father clean while she does the cooking??? Give me a break! :rolleyes:
No, the person I feel sorry for is the stepmom who has to deal with a hateful spoiled brat who is bound and determined to find reasons to hate her. Trying to make a life with her new husband and family while this brat is constantly criticizing her cooking, cleaning, and laundry skills while at the same time having to be asked to help out, doing a half-assed job, then getting pissy when told to do it right.
Nope, as hard as I try, it isn’t shimmery that I feel sorry for.
