It may be really effective Amarinth, but it is also abusive.
[tangent]
chaining my fiance to the bed 24/7 is a really effective way of making sure he doesn’t cheat on me.
it’s also overkill and would demonstrate problems in our relationship.
But I could get all the sex I wanted 
[end tangent]
I want to give a rousing here, here for Clarissa’s post. I have a, now adult, step son that was totally ungrateful and actually told me that I didn’t spend enough money on him (while is dad paid a whopping $145 per month in child support). His complete lack of appreciation for what I would do for him and automatic assumption that I should sacrifice buckets of blood for him made for a real rocky relationship. We hardly speak now (thank the heavens). If he would have made an effort I would have reached out for him. Actually, I did but gave up after awhile. If he would have reached out I would have reached back, even now. I think you expect too much from your step-mom shimmery.
Again, I would say depends on the situation. Done the way one poster described it, yes, that is clearly abusive. OTOH, about a half dozen times, my parents hauled me out of bed to redo a chore at 2 or 3 in the morning. The chores were reasonable. My parents’ expectations of the chore completion were age appropriate and reasonable. They weren’t otherwise verbally or physically abusive. They weren’t drunk. It didn’t happen every time I failed to do a decent job on a chore. I knew what the standard was, and even in my opinion had totally failed to even come close. I wasn’t suffering from sleep deprivation (nor would that hour be the make or break difference). Basically, that situation doesn’t even come close to meeting my definition of abusive.
Perhaps your threshold of abuse is much much lower than mine.
shimmery-
whatever and whoever your step-mother may be she is still your elder and i hope that you don’t address her to her face the way you did in your post. if you do, then it’s no wonder that the two of you have a hostile relationship.
i have friends with amazing relationships with their step-parents…to the degree that their step-parents rescued them from not having a mom or a dad at all, and it is their step-parent that they tend to acknowledge as their real parents. on the other hand i have a few friends that just have a dismal set of parents-step and biological. i think people have come down on you a little hard. i have a great set of parents but i don’t think it’s unrealistic to say that some biological and step parents are probably just ghastly parenters. maybe yours fall in that category, maybe not. but the point is this
a.) Don’t make it harder on yourself financially. You’re what 16? I come from a different culture and my parents expected grades first, not a job and they were willing to support me financially to the absolute fullest extent but i had to give up certain privileges. you can’t have it both ways-i highly doubt they are making you pay for your rent and food. if other stuff is counted as extra then baby-sit a little on weekends for the cash that you need. You can save up plenty over two years with a silly job-trust me, I did it before I quit to concentrate on my grades.
b.) Don’t make it harder on yourself emotionally. Unless your name is Cinderella, I’m going to discount about 80% of your kvetchin’ but I suspect that there is a kernel of truth to some of it. You have two years until college. It behooves you not to piss your parental units off before you go off to college. It also behooves you to get your step-mother on your side, no matter how much it may personally gall you. If you are incessantly hostile and/or react to her the only person you will hurt in the end is yourself. You’ll get a “brat” reputation, set your step-mother against you and just create a bad environment emotionally and perhaps financially in the future. Trust me, I have friends that “rebelled” a little too much to the degree that their parents cut them off.
c.) Take recent episodes as a lesson: you say you can’t trust your step-mother and she let you down oh so this much? Well, then don’t trust her in the future. Put your alarm clock under your pillow, believe me…I am a heavy sleeper and got through college only in this manner.
My suggestion: create a respectful atmosphere first. Maintain an emotional distance…perhaps your relationship will improve and perhaps not but at least you’ll have a degree of mental peace. Turn to the people that you do feel supported by, keep on getting the grades and then get out.
I know…I really know that divorce puts kids through a gristmill and it is an unfortunate situation all around…but you sound like a nice enough kid and you can either let it destroy you emotionally and blame everyone around you or you can make do and be a success. Best of luck and I hope that I didn’t come off as vigilantly nasty-after all…fifteen years old is still very young and I don’t think it’s right to do that to someone if you are older and supposed to know better.
PS-the PSATs aren’t all that important. If you did really well the only thing you’ll get is a National Merit Scholarship and a little certificate and it ain’t all that much money…I was a finalist and I don’t remember getting mucho moula out of it. Your SATs are more MUCH MUCH MUCH more important and I suggest that you take this experience from what happened during the PSATs and find a solution quickly.
I would almost think that shimmery is my sister, except that it was the SAT IIs that she missed, not the PSATs. And yes, she blamed my dad for not waking her up. Unsusprisingly, my dad is getting really sick of this sort of behavior (just part of a long-term trend), and their relationship is just getting worse and worse. I wish she could take a step back and see how mean and unpleasant she is behaving towards the rest of the family, but should we (the rest of the family) suggest that she reevaluate her behavior, she acts like…well, like shimmery in the OP.
shimmery, take it from someone who lives with your alter ego: chill. Your family isn’t out to get you. They aren’t trying to make your life miserable. Repress the nasty remarks and just try to be nice - you might be surprised at how nice they are in return.
Brother left packets of mustard in his pockets, but it’s your stepmother’s fault? Sounds like your brother’s fault to me.
You’re right that she’s not your mother, but she is your parent, like it or lump it. She’s your father’s wife, and while you’re staying under their roof you need to respect her word as if she was your mother. Your father loves her, and you love him. This may not be much, but mutual love of your father is common ground you can build from.
Her lack of a job is no hardship on you. If she and your father are content with that situation, then it’s none of your concern.
I feel for you with the alarm situation. I too can sleep through any alarm - I just don’t wake up when an alarm is going off. I have no real advice, except a suggestion that you drink plenty of water before bedtime. The only time my alarm can wake me is when I need to go to the bathroom.
While I agree that the SAT’s are much more important than the PSAT’s, don’t go knocking the support National Merit can provide. OU would have paid full tuition if I had attended, soley because of the National Merit.
Oops, I forgot about that…I used to date an OU grad that pointed that out to me actually. You’re right although I think that their policy of attracting National Merit Scholars is unusual and I believe they actually hold the title of most National Merit scholars at a university.
However, I was just trying to make her feel better before she posts about how her PSAT scores are ruined and therefore her life is ruined and whatnot. In retrospect there are plenty of ways to redeem herself and actually if I am also correct if you get a really high ACT score then OU also jumps all over you and pays for you to go there free.
I’m going to the University of Memphis right now on a full scholarship cos I was a national merit finalist. I also get money from the National merit people from my scholarship so the PSAT’s are definitely important. That said, I think it was definitely Shimmery’s responsibility to make sure she was awake. At fifteen, she can surely take at least that much responsibility. Shimmery, if you don’t have any money to buy an alarm clock, you might want to present this episode to your dad and ask him to buy you one.
-Lil
yeah but PSATs aren’t going to get you into college and if your grades and SATs are good then you will get an academic scholarship no matter what.
Both my sister and I attended McGill University in Montreal and our academic scholarships were doled out on the basis of high school grades and our SAT scores.
Anyway, my only point with that is not to cry over spilt milk but to make sure that you take precautions for your SATs or ACTs or whatever the hell you kids are taking these days.
or rather i should say if your grades and SAT/ACT scores are good those schools that give out academic scholarships are unlikely to not give them to you based on whether or not you were a National Merit scholar or not.
okay, i’m going to stop hijaacking this to reassure her that her educational career is NOT over.
Your life is not over, shimmery. Just be more careful next time.
One learns early on to check the pockets before washing clothes. People leave and forget about pens and other things all the time. Her complaint is legitimate on that one, IMHO.
I’m just curious about the idea of someone carrying around packets of mustard seeds in their pocket. What is he - the mustard man?
pan
So there I was yesterday afternoon, sitting on the Group W Bench, when out wandered the new Duty Counsel with a really puzzled look on his face. He sat down beside me and told me a tale of woe.
A sixteen year old girl had used his fine and free legal services a few weeks ago to arrange for assisted housing and financial assistance. She did not like her parents, and she did not like school, so the good old government set her up with her own furnished apartment including utilities, full medical, full dental, $135.00 per month for food and clothes, and unlimited assistance in job placement.
What had confused the poor DC was that now she was back like a Pekinese yapping at a mail-person, all upset because the government was not giving her enough money.
She cried that she was starving. The DC suggested the food bank and the women’s shelter meal program.
She raged that he had to sue the government for her. The DC suggested that she take a job and directed her to a number of places which were hiring.
She went wild with anger, calling him every name in the book, and a few new ones to boot. He became a refugee from his own office, and joined me loitering on the Group W Bench.
After telling me the whole sordid tale, I replied, “DC, that’s nothing. Your client should be grateful for what she has. Why I know of a teenager without her own apartment and not enough money being given to her to buy a second hand clock!”
“Not even a second hand clock?” he asked.
“Nope. Not even a second hand clock,” I replied.
“That’s really rough,” he concluded.
We both sat there shaking our heads.
And then up wheeled the other DC, who is a quad, who asked us what was so rough.
So we told him, and being the compassionate person that he is, he too sat there and sort of made shaking-like motions with his head, and agreed that both these kids really had it rough.
About that time the teenager came out from the office and stormed out of the building, with us looking suitably solemn and concerned as she raged past us.
And once she was out the door, the three of us broke down and absolutely howled with laughter!
mustard, not mustard seeds.
Even more surreal. Is he scared that he might be caught out in McVomits… :gasp: without any mustard?!
The horror… the horror…
pan
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Hastur *
**
You never lived in my mother’s house. Her rule was that we had to empty our own pockets when we took our clothes off. She was willing to wash them, but anything left in the pockets was hers. If something left in our pockets went through the wash, it was our own fault.
I have never in my life had my clothes washed with mustard. In part, that’s thanks to Mum’s rule. It’s also thanks to the fact that neither my brother or myself ever carried mustard in our pockets.
And really, is it too much to ask people to check their pockets as they remove their clothing?
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by cazzle *
**
As the resident laundry-doer in this house, I have to agree with cazzle’s last line. Check your pockets before you put them in the hamper. It’s not that hard. I usually check while washing the clothes, but sometimes forget.
Shimmery, I’m wondering if the mustard packets leaked. Did they? Mustard will come out with a little Spray & Wash.
Anyway, nothing is worse than a tissue left in a pocket going through the dryer. What a mess…little bits of tissue stuck on everything in the load.
Once I found $100 in the dryer. Five $20s. Nice and April-fresh-smelling, too. 
Turned out hubby had “lost” $100 two days earlier and had been frantically trying to figure out what happened to it. He always checks his pockets now. 