my stepmother is a bitch

The BBQ Pit
41

Hmm.

See a lot of hostile (not baseless, but hostile) responses here.

I can kinda see where shimmery is coming from. Around that age I would generally go from bus to room and cry/mope for a few hours. Problems other than Mommy dear. My (biological) mom and I went through ROUGH times at that time in my life, getting into fights where her only reasoning would be to scream hysterically ‘YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS BECAUSE I AM YOUR MOTHER.’ That’s verbatim. Not that I was so easy to live with myself. 5 short years later we’re good friends. (she still gets hysterical. :slight_smile: )

Sounds like they’re both frustrated and not sure how to deal with each other. Probably that’s the reason for her step-mom going a bit overboard and calling her out to do the stairs again when she knew she was sleeping.

shimmery: They’re for the most part right, you’ll have to deal with it and you’ll still have to live with her. Maybe if you talk to her about what is bothering you, it’ll make it easier on you both? Plus, as MC says, you can cut a deal. “I’ll do this now, and this later. Will that be ok?” Anyways, that’s my $.02.

Kinsey: I would just like to tell you how highly constructive that comment was. :rolleyes: (yeah, I know, it’s the Pit, we’re not supposed to be nice. bleh.)

42

Yeah. To call someone a JAP is to say that they are wealthy and spoiled. The associated implications are a) That they never have had to struggle for anything, and they are therefore incapable of understanding “real” life, and b) That their values are based on consumerism.

There is a big kernel of truth in this stereotype. I grew up in a very “jappy” area, and I know many people who really think it’s important which brand of pleather pants you wear.

It’s a slur, but one that is often used by Jewish people about other Jewish people. I have never really been offended by it (maybe because no one’s ever called ME a JAP :slight_smile: ) except when it is used by non-Jews in a derogatory way toward Jews. For example, a non-Jewish friend of mine doesn’t like her Jewish sister-in-law. One day, she was ranting about the sister-in-law, and called her a “fucking JAP.” Now, this offended me, even though AFAIK my friend isn’t anti-Semitic. I let it go at the time–but I have always felt just a little differently about my friend since then. :frowning:

I hope that makes sense.

43

Oh but it is! :eek:

Yes it did. Thanks heaps. :slight_smile:

44

Okay, my brother left mustard packets in his jeans. Should I ask for my clothes to be washed separately? It’s too “wasteful.” And, I would like nothing more than to do my own laundry (I do it at my mom’s house after all - but thank you to everyone who assumed I was lazy. I appreciate your giving me the benefit of the doubt.) but I’m not allowed to. Again, it’s wasteful. Does it waste water? Well, maybe, but I bet our two dishwashers waste more. Does it waste washer time? Well, she leaves wet clothes in the washer for days at a time.

And no, I didn’t mumble “wake me up k,” I specifically went upstairs, asked her to wake me up, had a discussion in which I agreed on a time with her that would give me ample time for breakfast. I have a hard time waking up to my alarm. And oh, yes, FireUnderpantsBoobs, I wanted to take the PSATs. I thought it would be a good time.

No, she doesn’t really have a day job. She works “part time,” a.k.a. never. Trust me when I say she is lazy. And frankly, she does do a lot of sitting around watching television and eating ice cream, cookies, etc. As a Jew I am fully aware of all the connotations attached to the term “JAP.” And it fits her. To a T. And to those who suggested that I have set chores, we’ve tried that. It never worked because she doesn’t give regular chores… she just decides to tell us to do whatever she feels like needs to be done.

Also, I would just like to point out that at my dad’s house, I’m living with my little brother and her two sons. Out of these four, I am certainly the least of a “punk teenager” and most helpful around the house. I bring home straight A’s, don’t drink, smoke or get high, while my stepbrother gets calls from the school once a week and smokes up every weekend. And as lazy as you may think I am, they are far lazier.

Thank you to everyone who stood up for me, and I’m sorry to those who suffered from abusive step-parents and who was a lot worse off.

And dude, I came here to BBQ - not to be BBQed!

45

Did I ever say you didn’t?

You can’t really have one without the other. As soon as you post here, you subject yourself to whatever gripes the Dopers may have concerning your post.

46

So, class, today we learned an important lesson about why writing skills are so important. The OP’s presentation of her case caused most of her readers to come to an unintended conclusion. Her use of inflammatory language did not strengthen her argument, but rather weakened it.

She was required to make a second attempt to explain herself. Here she succeeded, but like many attempts at damage control, it reeks of backpedaling. Further, her final comment, “And dude, I came here to BBQ - not to be BBQed!” shows an obvious misunderstanding of her forum and her audience.

I give the original post an F. I give the bulk of the the second posting a B+. It was far more clearly written and cogently argues a point. Nevertheless, I must reduce that by one whole letter grade based on the final comment. It was unneccessary and detracted from her argument. Final grade = D+.

47

Shimmery heres some advice for ya,

if you sleep through your alarm get another, not a different one I mean get 2 alarms, or three. hell hit a thrift store and go crazy. put em in different spots and make sure you have to get out of bed to turn them off. if thats a problem heres a trick that worked for me.
get a speaker and some speakerwire. open your alarm clock and conect the speaker wire to the clocks speaker. put the clock in the hallway and the speaker in your room. now you will have to get up and leave your room to turn the damn thing off. (note not really a good plan if you sleep in the nude)

48

Heh. If you sleep through the sound of an alarm, perhaps you could rig up a Rube Goldberg-type thing where the end result is a bucket of water dumped on your head. That would be pretty funny, and I bet it would wake you up, too. You wouldn’t even need to shower after that!

[sub]I’m such a genius; I sometimes scare myself ;)[/sub]

49

While this a good solution, I have neither a car with which to drive to a thrift store nor a steady source of income with which to purchase a bevy of alarm clocks. More than a few of you seem to assume I can just “go” somewhere. Uh, how?

And yeah, I could ask someone at my house to drive me… but since there are many people in the house, asking to be driven anywhere, even my mom’s house about five seconds away, involves probable refusal and being berated on the subject of “why didn’t you do this before, you knew you were spending the whole weekend here, you should have thought of every single little thing you might possibly need, you can’t just ask at the last minute like this, I’m too busy (sitting) around the house…”

FireUnderpantsBoobs, I prefer to shower at night but thanks anyway.

Okay GreenBean, perhaps I did have a misunderstanding of the forum. I’m sorry, I truly am. And while the inflammatory language in my OP weakened my argument, you have to understand that it was written while I was really pissed off and not thinking well. I was just kind of venting (yeah, I know we should be in family therapy and don’t think I haven’t suggested it). And “reeks” is such a harsh word…

~shimmery

(p.s. By the way, GreenBean, no JAP I know would be caught dead in pleather pants.)

50

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by shimmery *
While this a good solution, I have neither a car with which to drive to a thrift store nor a steady source of income with which to purchase a bevy of alarm clocks. More than a few of you seem to assume I can just “go” somewhere. Uh, how?

This just keeps getting dumber and dumber.

  1. Walk.

  2. Get a job.

  3. Use the job to pay for the stamps, and your walking skills to carry the big box and yourself to the postbox. We’ve already covered the routine from there.

51

Muffin

did you miss it that shimmery needs to be driven the five seconds to her mother’s house? I’m thinking walking to a postbox might be a tad too far.

OTOH I suspect Ms Stepmother would cheerfully pay for a courier to remove shimmery.

52

Shimmery, you should be well and truly ashamed.

53

#1–Works for me. If you want to be driven somewhere “about 5 seconds away,” you need to learn to walk.

#2–Maybe not. She’s getting straight A’s, she’s already doing her job.
Ask Dad for an alarm clock or 2. Or ask him for $8.00, take the bus to the thrift store, buy 2 alarm clocks at $3/each (the going rate), take the bus home.

#3–Please.
And in case anyone is still wondering, waking a kid at 3 AM, unless it’s an emergency, IS ABUSIVE. But don’t take my word for it. Ask your therapist.

As close as I’m willing to get to ranting.

54

Concerning the job issue, although good grades are extremely important, I don’t think that a child’s development ends there. I believe that holding down a job is also important (though obviously secondary to grades).

I think that there are many dimensions to well being, including physical, psychological, intellectual, social, spiritual, and occupational dimensions. Learning to find, hold down, and ultimately succeed in employment is a necessary skill for which school does not necessary prepare a child – thus the tremendous popularity of co-op programs. Learning the value of money, and developing self-confidence by being able to both earn and responsibly spend money is also important, though obviously secondary to learning how to function in an adult environment.

I’m not suggesting anything out of proportion which would interfere with other activities – just something to earn a little pin money, to help begin the transition into the adult world, and to help learn about how to take responsibility for one’s self and one’s actions. Perhaps cutting a lawn, raking leaves, or shovelling snow for neighbours once a week. Perhaps filing, photocopying, or entering data at an office for a few hours once a week. I’m not suggesting multiple graveyard shifts chained to a fast food outlet’s grill.

I believe that a teenager needs family, friends, school, hobbies, physical activities, and employment, et alia, each activity bringing its own benefits and opportunities for development. Beyond this, a teenager needs to learn to keep things in proportion. Learning to balance various responsibilities is a very important skill.

It starts with small steps. I don’t see this child as being willing to take these steps. Getting good grades and not doing drugs is not enough, not even close, and should not be held out as a justification for not being willing to start learning about how to function as a young adult.

A teenager on the internet claiming that she can not take responsibility for her own consciousness because she can not afford a second hand alarm because she has no money and no transportation? That suggests to me a life out of balance and a gross lack of attention to more than one of the dimensions of well being. I believe a small part-time job would help in this respect.

55

Absolutely!

56

I’ll make it short and sweet, hun.

Grow the hell up and quit acting like such a brat. :rolleyes:

57

shimmery,

I tried to drop you an e-mail but it came back saying the e-mail didn’t exist. I’ll save it for you and if you would like to read it e-mail me (kathryn3@hotmail.com) and I’ll send it to you. I was even nice, promise.

58

Hello everyone!

There has been some very harsh responses to Shimmery here. That does not make them bad responses. In fact, many of them have had very good advice but Shimmery you must remember that Shimmery has had her parents go through a divorce, went through her dad dating and then marrying another woman, have that woman and her children move in together and said children being on the troublesome side.

That’s quite a bit to go through for someone 15-16.

I imagine she feels insecure, crowded, shaken and maybe a bit forgotten in all this.

Now Shimmery, I know you’ve gone through much but please truely listen to what people are saying here. I know much of it is hurtful but ignore that and listen and evaluate the advice. I’m 24 now but I remember 15-16 well and may have a perspective, as well as others, that you do not have right now. I shall try to address some of these.

First, it appears to me that you might expect your step mother to love you unconditionally hopefully like your father and mother do. This will not usually happen. She is not your mother and you are not her daughter. She will naturally be resentful of having the obligations of being your ‘mother’ but have none of the rewards. If she gets in trouble when she is old and needs financial help will you come to her aid??? No, you’ll probably just say “she’s not my mother”. So, she has to spend quite considerable money, effort, time and aggravasion raising you when she would rather spend that time, money, and effort on other things. Instead she has to do this at no real benefit to her.

She is doing this, however. For her love of you? No, but because she loves your father. Love between you two can happen but it isn’t automatic and would take much effort. Now, if you don’t like her and treat her like you don’t like and respect her, can you see that she might get a bit unfriendly?

My feeling is that you need to treat her with respect and listen to what she says MORE than your father and mother because the love isn’t unconditional. Try this for several months and I bet she will respond. Also, expect her to treat you with respect and, if she doesn’t, tell her that you want to talk alone and without interuption and tell her what you didn’t like. Listen to her response and understand it. Let her in on your life and give her some of the ‘rewards’ of being a parent along with the duties and she may start carrying those duties with more enthusiasm and love. Make sure she understands you and I think you’ll be amazed at the relationship that can grow.
Second, which has already been addressed in this thread, is that at 15-17 soon-to-be-adults are not understanding of the responsibilty-of-self. It would be better for your future happiness to begin to not rely on people for things. Stop asking other people to wake you up and make sure YOU get yourself up. Start doing your own chores, not because your asked, but because the need to be done and you see that. If you dust because you see it is dusty and not because you are asked, you will not believe the change in attitude adults will have toward you. They will see you in a much more mature light and will treat you that way and it makes them want to try to please you also. A win-win situation.

The hardest part to do for yourself is money. You will be reliant on your parents for money for many years yet but make them WANT to spend money on you. Also try to make some yourself, keeping in mind that school is first priority.

I hope this helps you Shimmery,

Clarissa

59

Wouldn’t it be funny if there was a Pit thread titled, “My step-daughter is a bitch” ?

I imagine it reading, "My lazy step-daughter makes me so mad. I knew she had to get up for her PSAT’s, and asked her what time she wanted to get up. She mumbled something about “8:00”, but when I got her up, she ranted about how the tests started at 8:00, not that she wanted to get up at 8:00. God knows why she can’t set her own alarm and get up.
And she’s so lazy! Yesterday I asked her to vacuum the stairs when she got home from school, she did a really bad job, and then made some smart-ass remark about if I wanted it done right I should have done it myself.
And she expects to be driven to her mother’s house, which is like 5 seconds away.
Geez, she complains about everything; the food, the way I wash clothes… :smiley:

60

No it isn’t necessarily abusive. It may be abuse, but depending on the parent and kid in question, it might not be. It might just be a really effective way of communicating that the chore needs to be done in a better manner than vacuum turned on in general stair vicinity (or whatever halfassed job the kid did in the situation.)