I just need to say it: I’m very tired. I’m trying to stay busy–every minute of my day is scheduled to the second. And it’s been working like a charm, even though the scale says I need to chill out a little. But the moment I let up, the thoughts kick in again. They rumble like distance thunder at first and then move into the forefront. Then, I can then “hear” them looping at a quadrillion RPM. Like a bunch of langoliers, chomping away at my mind.
Every now and again, I can catch a little bit of the conversation. “She’s lost”. “She’s sick”. Loopty-loop, they never stop. Tomorrow when I go to my doctor and can relax a little, I will no doubt interupt her and myself by letting the flow spill out of my mouth uncontrollably. And I will listen to it passively, too detached to care that I’m muttering like an idiot. And flapping my hand like an idiot. And walking with a limp like an idiot.
I need estrogen. My period is about to start and the estrogen is at “E”. Estrogen makes everything a little better. And I have told doctors this. But no one ever hands me an estrogen pill. They tell me to see a gynecologist, yet another goddamn specialist. Another round of co-pays. And will he or she give me some estrogen without digging all up in my vagina first? I doubt it. Plus, by the time I even find an ob/gyn and make an appointment, things will be so much better that all this will be a distant memory. I will look back at this thread and say, “Man, I sure was being a crybaby.”
I’m too tired to do anything else today. Maybe I’ll just go to bed now and hope the thoughts don’t increase in volume as soon as I turn off the lights.