my thoughts, my thoughts, MY THOUGHTS!

I just need to say it: I’m very tired. I’m trying to stay busy–every minute of my day is scheduled to the second. And it’s been working like a charm, even though the scale says I need to chill out a little. But the moment I let up, the thoughts kick in again. They rumble like distance thunder at first and then move into the forefront. Then, I can then “hear” them looping at a quadrillion RPM. Like a bunch of langoliers, chomping away at my mind.

Every now and again, I can catch a little bit of the conversation. “She’s lost”. “She’s sick”. Loopty-loop, they never stop. Tomorrow when I go to my doctor and can relax a little, I will no doubt interupt her and myself by letting the flow spill out of my mouth uncontrollably. And I will listen to it passively, too detached to care that I’m muttering like an idiot. And flapping my hand like an idiot. And walking with a limp like an idiot.

I need estrogen. My period is about to start and the estrogen is at “E”. Estrogen makes everything a little better. And I have told doctors this. But no one ever hands me an estrogen pill. They tell me to see a gynecologist, yet another goddamn specialist. Another round of co-pays. And will he or she give me some estrogen without digging all up in my vagina first? I doubt it. Plus, by the time I even find an ob/gyn and make an appointment, things will be so much better that all this will be a distant memory. I will look back at this thread and say, “Man, I sure was being a crybaby.”

I’m too tired to do anything else today. Maybe I’ll just go to bed now and hope the thoughts don’t increase in volume as soon as I turn off the lights.

I have a sister-in-law who is doing that thing where you take the pill continuously for many months and don’t have a period. It seems to help her moods. Any way you could do that?

I think it’s important for the doctor to see your “true” self, even if that involves running your mouth and flapping your hand. They can’t help you if you try to mask the symptoms that might give them better insight as to how to help you.

Pelvic exams are routine for gynecologists, but this might be something you can ask about when you call to make an appointment. I might also try a holistic doctor who can maybe look at your health overall vs. focusing on individual symptoms.

Good luck to you.

What PunditLisa said about finding a doctor, or a clinic, which will try to care for all of you instead of treating you like you’re a bunch of separate puzzle pieces that don’t talk to each other. The “each doctor treats a piece” approach works when one piece is “a nose cold” and the other is “toenail fungus”, but not when there is a complex situation with complex symptoms.