My father has never been a drinker, in fact he has always disapproved of heavy drinking – and as he defines it heavy drinking would be anything over two units unless it’s a very special occasion. At probably the worst period of his life – when my mother died suddenly – he didn’t start drinking.
He’s 93 and after being strong and fit all his life he has deteriorated rapidly over the last two years. He has gone from being an active gardener and ballroom dancer to virtually housebound. Last year he lost his driving license (due to his health problems making him unfit to drive). I visited last week and was very surprised when he offered me a bottle of wine and was even more surprised to find him taking swigs from the bottle at frequent intervals during the day. I think this is a very recent development, judging by the comments of his carers.
He has been having frequent falls and I noticed his short term memory is going a bit. however I don’t know how much of this is down to the drinking. His social worker was able to tackle him a bit and he sort of said he would cut down but recent phonecalls from his carers tell me he hasn’t.
It’s pretty hard to communicate with him. He is profoundly deaf and in the habit of answering what he thinks you have said rather than what you actually said. He is also a veteran practioner of selective deafness. When I was there I managed to tackle some issues with him but he wouldn’t engage with me about the drinking.
He shouldn’t really be living on his own and it’s been an uphill struggle to get him to accept any help. I’m working on this but it’s the sudden indulgence in alcohol that has me really puzzled. I’m wondering if it could be a symptom of dementia but aside from the small memory lapses he’s still pretty sharp. In fact he has recently “passed” several mental health competency tests on occasions when he has refused hospital admission or treatment.
He’s had a long life, and it’s changing drastically. HE is changing drastically, and I doubt he’s happy about it. This may be something he can do for himself, a control thing; hell that’s why most people start smoking, in that it’s something they can do and nobody can stop 'em!
Unfortunately I can’t think of what you can possibly do about it, except see if you can help him in some other way gain a bit more of the control and/or freedom he is losing.
And you have my utmost sympathies. My dad is in his early 70’s, still rebuilding houses and boats and cars…and he can see that time is coming to an end. It makes me cry, it’s so hard. I am sorry.
I am thirding (or fourthing) self medication for depression.
I am also interested in hearing further responses. My grandmother smoked like a chimney until she began developing signs of dementia and would lose her cigarettes. My mother, her main caregiver until her death, would be “unable” to find them either, and then my grandmother would forget about wanting to smoke.
Maybe if/when it gets to that point you can hide or get rid of the bottles?
You can spend more time with him, ask him what you could do to make him happier, and do those things with him. If you can fill whatever void you think he’s filling with alcohol now, then maybe he’ll drink less. But beyond that, I really think you should let it be. If he’s depressed but still competent, you can’t MAKE him go to counseling. Maybe treating his depression the “right way” is more time and trouble and money than he thinks it’s worth. Or, if he’s old school, maybe he wouldn’t voluntarily go to counseling no matter how depressed he got–you cannot force this onto anybody, not even a young person (but especially someone who’s absolutely set in his ways). It’s also going to be very difficult for a therapist to communicate effectively with him anyway, unless they both know sign language. Perhaps he merely views drinking as the lesser of 2 evils.
93’s a hell of a ways up there! I personally think he’s earned the right to do *whatever *he wants, for whatever reason he wants (as long as he’s not endangering somebody else). If he’s never been a drinker, then it’s not like his liver is going to shrivel up and die on him tomorrow. If this is the best solution he’s found for short-term happiness, I think you should be as happy for him as you can manage. He’s already handily surpassed the average human lifespan. If getting drunk makes his time pass more enjoyably (and my experience with alcohol indicates that this is often the case), then why the hell *shouldn’t *he do it? He’s never going to be fit and strong and young again. Insisting that he abstain merely because he used to, or because you’re worried about him, is really not fair. I mean, the guy is 93! Wow! He knows himself better than anybody else knows him. If booze is the easiest and cheapest way for him to get a thrill out of his life these days, even if his younger self would think he’s a moron for becoming a drinker, then I’m cool with that.
The falls are unfortunate, but even teetotalers fall a lot in their 90s. The short-term memory loss is also just as likely to be a function of age. I mean, it sounds cruel to put it so harshly, but *everybody *dies of something, eventually. If he chooses to engage in risky (but legal) behaviors, I don’t think it’s necessarily irrational. He may well have weighed those risks already. Maybe he consciously decided that a few years of drinking and feeling good are more valuable to him than 10 more years spent sober and increasingly miserable. I think he’s earned the right to make that choice.
In short, 90+ years of being an upstanding citizen (and 70+ spent as a designated driver) is more than anybody has a right to expect from another human being. He’s been a good dad, he’s done the right things with his life. If he wants to be bad, now? It’s really okay.
I’m also inclined to think he should be able to drink. I don’t think I want to be fully sober all the time if I reach 93. How heartbreaking it would be to sit there, my mind fully intact, mourning the time that’s passed and that I don’t have much left. If he starts drinking too much there may be ways of making him cut back with weaker drinks, like mixed drinks with fruit juices or a Bloody Mary once in a while for some nutrition.
As someone who is hearing-impaired, he might be damned LONELY. Make sure the closed captioning is turned on for his TV. Get him one of those land line phones I’ve seen on TV, that functions like a TTY but doesn’t require you to use a relay operator.
If you can’t hear, trying to carry on a conversation with somebody is exhausting. I try to explain to people that figuring out what someone said is like puzzle solving. I take the sounds that I hear, and I see the lip movements, the facial expressions, and the body language, and I get to figure out what is going on.
If Dad’s vision is bad as well, I can see why he’d drink.
~VOW
I’ve heard that deafness is worst then being blind as it ‘takes you out of life’ like someone watching a TV program with the sound off. So loneliness is a possibility.
What I get out of this is he ran out of most of his internal motivation to sustain himself. I assume he has always had a strong will, and perhaps a self made man. If this is so, someone like that does get his strength from within, but that is a limited resource and eventually will be depleted.
Once they get depleted there is a emptiness and a willingness and drive to fill it or at least stop/hide the pain of the emptiness. This drive can override guidelines that we have set up, such as no heavy drinking. It’s a way of trying to patch oneself up, to go back to the way things were, with that ‘one little modification’. Ultimately however it will fail.
If you confront him about drinking you must be cautious (IMHO) as drinking is that patch, he may see it as what is allowing him to live the life as he believes he should, and if you try to remove that patch he will typically resist as someone might resist removing a patch on a life raft.
You obviously care about him, so that’s a very good thing. At this stage I would accept his drinking, if it is not a danger to you perhaps join him, make him feel comfortable talking about drinking, make him not fear you taking away his drinking. Also remember he may have fears about drinking and it may not be a easy subject to bring up for that alone. In a strange way him getting buzzed may help him talk. Hopefully if you can talk about it openly, he will be the one to request help - that’s what you really would need, and what he really needs. Instead of being on a patched life raft by himself, to be rescued by a larger ship with others who can help him - which could fill the need of not being alone with other people now in his life.
Thanks for all the comments and advice. Unfortunately I live a long way from him and don’t drive, which makes seeing him difficult, I tend to go for longish visits. With my brother it’s even worse at the moment as he is working in Africa. However his contract finishes in July when he’s back for at least three months. His British base is much closer to dad and he drives. We (Dad as well) are all going to have to have a really good talk about what to do.
I should make it clear I’m not trying to stop Dad drinking it is his choice I’m just a bit discombobulated and concerned. It did seem to be making him more mellow, which believe me is a good thing.
Everyone who has talked about the huge changes his life has had recently are right. His main pleasure in life now is to watch sport on telly at extreme volume (I have to stuff makeshift tissue paper earplugs in to bear it). He always has watched a lot of sport and is really looking forward to the Olympics. I guess he’s now finding that he enjoys drinking while he’s watching.
The big dilemma he now has is balancing his desire to stay in his home with his need for care. I have opened discussion about this with him and I’m now giving him time to think about it.
One thing that has annoyed me is that he was a regular church goer. He alternated services at his family church, about three miles away with the one just up the road. Now that he can’t get himself to either it seems no one has tried to get him there, nor have they been coming to see him. He had a recent visit from a church friend, who has moved away, who said he would be “making phone calls” to encourage others to visit. I suspect this has already borne fruit as the vicar of the family church turned up to give him communion. I’m going to phone the other vicar and see if he can arrange for someone to get Dad to the church.
I understand the sentiment that a 93-year-old should be able to do more or less what he wants, but I can tell you that alcohol dependence can progress pretty rapidly if someone is drinking all day.
Dude he drinks wine all day?! In my mom’s country Germany they call that normal, most meals and snacks have wine as the bev for older adults especially(old fashioned) people rarely drink to total drunkeness, but they are buzzed all day.
Early dementia can look like one’s inhibitions coming down, so yes, the drinking might be that. I know my MotherInLaw, who is a very smart woman, can fool almost anyone into thinking she’s perfectly fine. She’s losing some functions, but she’s still smart enough to pass tests.
However, given that he’s 93 and does not have obvious dementia, I’ll agree with the other posters about isolation / depression and boredom. Getting him a phone he can use might be a real step in the right direction, even if it’s only so he can call his vicar himself.
Of course, when you’re 93, every day might be “a very special occasion”.
Unfortunately, that means you are doing no more than is expected of you.
I’ve seen the dynamic with my wife and her mom. She has three sons and a daughter. Guess who is expected to look after her now that she is 97? I will give you a hint - it is not the one who lives three miles away. It’s the daughter who lives in a different city.
Not to be facetious, but I’m reminded of that old story where the doctor says “Stay away from women, alcohol, rich food, and tobacco. You’ll live to be 100.”
If I have to do all that, why the hell would I want to live to be 100???
I drink very rarely and very little, but recently when I told an acquaintance I needed a good, stiff belt, she chided “You drink too much!” To which I replied “Au contraire, gnaediges Fraulein, I don’t drink enough.”
If I drank more, I suspect I might feel a little happier about life (which can be quite stressful and depressing). I’m 57 now, and expect I’ll feel the same way when I’m 93 (assuming I live that long).
