Your thoughts on your children

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’d like to start off by saying I have no children - Thank OG - I’m 17, nearly 18 years old. This is a perspective from the other side, if you will.

My father is going through tough times, and he often comes home and begins drinking. He may or may not be an alchoholic - I don’t think he is, but that is another story. When he drinks, like many others, he loves to tell his stories. These stories were always funny to me when I was small, but now that I’ve heard them 100 times they just annoy me. I should probably get to the point. When he drinks, he also likes to tell me how proud of me he is - For achievements in school, stuff like that. I am the president of a few clubs, get good grades, and participate in alot of out of school activities. Sometimes, however, I don’t think this is enough for him.

He has said to me on more than one occasion, that he wished I had more of a social life. This appalled me. I couldn’t believe what my father had just said to me. A variety of factors played into my shocked state:

  1. I am not an outcast - I have many friends. I believe the problem with this is, that I do not hang out with them outside of school very often. I spend time with only a few of them outside of school, and I suppose this isn’t often enough for him.

  2. Although I’m certainly no ‘player,’ I do have girlfriends from time to time. Part of the reason I do not is that I cannot drive, because of the fact that I’m a twin, and my father’s business just tanked, and he cannot afford insurance for the both of us. I currently have a job and am working on getting insurance so I can drive again. Something about, “Hey, me and my mom will be there to get you around eight. She’ll drop us off, and pick us up.” Doesn’t seem so great.

  3. I think he is actually a little upset that I don’t attend parties often. This is wierd to me because I do… He just doesn’t know. If he knew, I think it would upset him even more, because he thinks so highly of me. He knows my sister drinks, and recently found out that she smokes, and it crushed him. I cannnot imagine what he thinks of my sister, and this makes me feel bad for her.

Please do not think that my father harshly judges his children - I don’t even know if he does, and if it is so then he hides it well. I simply wonder if it dissapoints him that I am not like he was when he was a kid. I hurts to think that I dissapoint him, and I want to know if any of you feel the same way about your children. Not necessarily dissapointment, but maybe that you wish they did something more. Does this affect how you feel about them? Or if you are also a ‘kid,’ and you think your parent feels the same about you. I don’t really know what I’m looking for. This is absolutley mundane and pointless.

2

Sorry if this is obvious but what does your being a twin have to do with girlfriends?

3

He’s probably not disappointed in your social life, just worried that you’re not having enough fun (good wholesome fun, of course).

I say this from a perspective as a parent who worried a bit, from time to time, about my sons’ social lives. I suspect they thought the same thing as you–Mom is disappointed I’m not a social butterfly–but that really wasn’t it.

4

Not obvious, but explained. Read again.

5

Sounds to me like you are taking your father’s drunken ramblings a bit too seriously. Ultimately, he probably just wants you to be happy. Sometimes parents have pretty bizarre ideas about how to get there, probably influenced by their own life experiences, so sometimes you just have to write this stuff off. My mother won’t stop talking about how I should be a community college professor. I know she means the best, but sometimes people just get hung up on some random idea and you have to trust that they are just trying to look out for you and somehow chose a strange way to do that. Keep following your dreams and living the life you want, and trust that your father will be happy with it and proud of you in the end. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be yourself and try not to get arrested.

On the other hand, you do seem mighty defensive about this. Usually if someone is just randomly talking smack you’d dismiss what they are saying outright. If this is bothering you this much, could there be a kernel of truth in it? Could you be neglecting your social life a bit? Perhaps you could try to find some ways to get out more, if not just to get away from your dad a bit.

6

It could be that he doesn’t like drinking in front of you. In his mind he feels like he is loosing your respect, so he keeps pushing you to be more social, this way you will have something else to think about than his drinking and what he views as his failure to provide for the family. I’m speaking from past experience, my father was an alcoholic and he would say much of what your father is saying to you, even when I was in my late 20’s and no longer living at home and living 3,000 miles away.

7

This is the case with me and my kids, too. Don’t put too much weight into it. We always find something to worry about. Just reassure him that you have plenty of friends, and tune it out.

8

Bolding mine. I am Dad, and it would kill me to think that my child thinks he disappoints me, and that I am making him feel that way. I would suggest you talk to your Dad and tell him how you feel. Most likely, as others have said, he’s just having a bit of a drunken ramble without realising how much this is affecting you.

9

Parents sometimes have unrealistic expectations about their children, hope that their kids will learn from their (the parents) mistakes, and often have great hope that their children will be more successful than they, the parents, were.

So when a kid doesn’t do all these invisible things all the time, a parent could feel some undeserved-by-the-kid disappointment. This is less a reflection on the kid and more a reflection of the parents hopes and dreams.

So don’t judge your dad too harshly about this. You say he is having a hard time right now, so he’s is probably spending a lot of time thinking about things he did wrong and hoping you don’t have to suffer any painful mistakes yourself.

You can tell where your dad feels he did poorly in his own life by what he brings up to you. That he thinks wants you to be more social sometimes is most likely a reflection by him that he could have/should have/would-have-been-if-this-or-that-didn’t-happen more social when he was your age.

Plus, kids can just make a parent weird sometimes. Yesterday, I was at the beach with my two kids a 12 and 14 y.o. The older one was just digging in the sand hoping to catch a clam and in just watching her from my beach chair, I was briefly overwhelmed by a deep and almost painful love of her. Fortunately, it passed quickly. (LOL- that sounds bad, but I just don’t think I could tolerate a life where everything is felt so sharply all the time.)

This happens sometimes and it is a feeling that is very hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have kids or has never experience it.

10

Hey. If he could afford insurance for one twin, and whoever drives uses that driver’s license, would that work? You twins have it made.(other than the whole evil twin thing):stuck_out_tongue:

11

Oh man, that sounds familiar, except for the drinking part.

I had friends but didn’t have that many friends and for years I got to hear my parents gripe about how I should be more social. Then I got a car and insurance, etc, and then for years I got to hear my parents gripe about how little time I spent at home.

You really can’t win.

I think parents have this responsibility to try to make their kids perfect, and this often translates as nagging. This nagging will continue your entire life, because you will never be perfect. Too many parties? Nag. Staying home to watch tv with the parents? Nag, nag. Read too much? Nag. Haven’t read in weeks? Well…I think you get the picture.

You just kind of have to be happy with what you’re doing, realise they love you and want what’s best for you, and try to get a sense of humour about their well intentioned but unreasonable expectations.

And my parents are damned proud of me, but my god, do they still nag, and I’m 33.

12

Alcohol is acting as the lubricant and your Dad is sharing too much with you. He probably, when sober, would admit that while he may have reflected on such things momentarily, he doesn’t really worry or feel disappointment in you about it.

It’s the booze talking. It exaggerates every wee thought that comes into their heads. Think about your drunken friends, at the end of the night, “Y’know I really love you guys!”, they really can’t help themselves. That’s what alcohol does.

Either recognize it’s just the booze talking, or avoid him when he’s in this state. But don’t take it on as your issue, it’s not, it’s his.

13

I agree with what’s posted so far…he’s oversharing the natural concern that all parents have for our children because the alcohol is lowering his inhibitions. If he wasn’t worrying that you’re not being social enough, he’d be worrying that you’re hanging out with your friends *too *much!

But I’ll also add that “Social” for this current generation is a little perplexing to us old farts. We forget that you’re probably being social all the time, more than we were, but we can’t see it. Like those parties you go to that he doesn’t know about, sure. But also text messaging, tweeting, message boarding, etc. … my son (also 17) may appear to be a bit of a hermit, but then I walk by as he’s playing XBOX Live, socially, with people with foreign accents and different time zones! He’s been playing with and talking to a couple of the same guys now for years - that’s social! I remind myself that he is being social in his own way, even though that’s a way that’s a little foreign to me.

And I have it easier than many parents, in that I “get” social media!

14

There are lots of kids your age who would drop to their knees & thank God that their drinking parents repeated funny stories & praised them & worried about them too much. You really are taking this too much to heart. Some time when he hasn’t been drinking, let him know your concerns, though. Assure him that you’re fine. Good luck with the car insurance thing- also the sinister “twin-switch” did occur to me, if we learn nothing else from sitcoms, we do know that such a move would result in embarrassment.

15

Especially since we don’t know that his twin isn’t his sister.

16

I don’t know you nor your dad so I hesitate to offer any specific advice. I do have kids, the youngest in your age range. I find it very hard to get a decent conversion going with my son sometimes. When he tells me things it’s hard to turn of the parent filter. I want to give advice, or judge right and wrong, and these can make a conversation awkward, I know. I’d love for him to tell me all the details of everything he does but that would be weird for both of us. He probably gets tired of me telling him don’t do that or do do that.

Anyway, I don’t think “disappoint” is the word you are looking for here. Maybe “concern” would be better. It’s hard wired in a parent to worry about stuff. If my son was just elected president of the USA I would worry that he had taken on too much - that’s my job.

My advice, for what it’s worth: Tell you dad stories about what you are doing, when he is sober. Ask him to do some sort of activity where you can talk freely - a walk, a ball game, something like that. He will have a better idea of where you are when he can have a comfortable conversation with you. Or maybe I’m projecting :slight_smile:

Spot on. He was 7 and we were walking up to the school to shoot hoops on a perfect day. It was like being stabbed in the heart, in a good way.

17

I don’t know if you have any Alanon meetings near you but you might benefit by going to them. You can look them up online. You sound like the child of an alcoholic. Alcohol makes parents say weird things. They over inflate things or bring things up that are confusing because they are drunk. Drunks say things a sober person would not say. I went to Alanon for a year and it helped me to learn to take care of me and to understand the disease in a loved one. I am also a recovering alcoholic but it didn’t help me on learning how to deal with the alcoholics in my family. It is a great program for anyone that loves an alcoholic who is still drinking. It puts the focus on taking care of you, not on the alcoholics behavior. Good Luck!

18

My Dad was horrible at expressing exactly why he worried about us; he always managed to sound like, rather than being worried we might get hurt if we jumped too high, he was convinced that we didn’t have legs to begin with.

For example, Middlebro and I are both engineers. Dad tried to convince both of us to try other, easier fields instead (I’m about as suitable for the ones he and Mom tried to direct me to as Benedictus XVI for being a brothel gal). It took a lot of time for us to realize that it wasn’t so much that he thought we couldn’t make it as that he feared we might not and feared that the “failure” would hurt us too badly(1): he’d started Engineering himself on parental pressure and dropped out quite fast.

Being concerned for you is normal, and it doesn’t sound to me like he’s disappointed. He may not be particularly good at expressing his feelings clearly enough, though. That’s called “being human”.

1: I don’t think that going into the wrong field and realizing it in your first or second year of college is a failure. It’s a pretty expensive lesson, but a good lesson to learn. Much better than sticking to wearing shoes the wrong size just because “I’m already in this boat and can’t admit I made a mistake!”

19

I’ve got 3 kids aged 18-22. Used to drink pretty regularly and heavily. Quit 6 years ago, one reason being that I didn’t like the example it set for my kids. While I had no objection to my kids drinking in moderation, I didn’t want to encourage them to develop unhealthy habits.

IME, as a parent I’m not sure if it is exactly accurate to say I have incredibly high expectations for my kids. Instead, I have such high hopes for them. I want them to be happy, and to me it seems most people will have the best chance to be happy if they are socially successful, employed at something that pays well enough to support them in whatever lifestyle they prefer and that interests them, healthy, and with some recreational interests. If my kids end up being relatively solitary, I hope that is becayse that is their preference, and not because they lack necessary social skills.

Not all of those came completely naturally to me. Nor did they seem to come entirely naturally to my kids. I know a lot of people say to let your kids alone and let them develop on their own, but I think at least some nudging, encouragement, and limits are appropriate. The tough thing is setting the right balance. I have often been accused of going too far. Others may fall short. That is pretty much what it is to be a parent. Trying to do what is right, and to do enough but not too much.

I wish my kids to avoid mistakes I made. My kids were never terribly social. Didn’t have tons of friends, and didn’t date all that much. I wished I had dated more when in high school and college, simply because as in most things, the more you do something the more you learn. You want to screw up relationships when you are a kid, so you’ll be less likely to unintentionally ruin a relationship with true potential when you are older.

Also, the bottomline is that sex is a hell of a lot of fun. Looking back, I wish I had gotten more when I was in school. I don’t want my kids to miss out on that, waiting for their “one true love” or for whatever other reasons.

It sounds to me as tho your dad isn’t all that happy. I’ll bet in large part he is mainly saying he wishes you end up happier, and in a better place, than he is in.

20

I’m the child of an alcoholic and I know exactly where you’re coming from. While it’s true that “There are lots of kids your age who would drop to their knees & thank God that their drinking parents repeated funny stories & praised them & worried about them too much.”… it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. My dad’s not a mean drunk, he just has absolutely no brain/mouth filter when he drinks. My friends think this is cool. They call him “Fun Bob.” Tee hee! It makes me want to die sometimes.

Since I’m 31 and still get angry with my dad, I don’t have any advice other than…eventually you’ll be at a place where you can let it go. You’ll realize that everything your dad says is bullshit and should not be taken seriously. Then you’ll be really mad at the fact that everything your dad says is bullshit. Then you’ll just learn to see your dad as a silly old man, but really cool when he’s sober. You do really love him but it’s best to limit your time around him.

This all gets much easier when you are living apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Until then, realize that he’s just talking out of his ass, see if you can confront him while he’s sober, give him a few verbal jabs when he’s drunk, and try to spend less time around him.