My dad called me drunk again.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My parents are in a loveless relationship that they refuse to end. My dad is a high-functioning alcoholic who is determined to drink/smoke himself into an early grave to get away from my mother.

He’s otherwise a smart guy with a love for history, military history in particular. Additionally, he tends to pontificate in a really long-winded, tedious fashion when he is drunk.

Because we live in different states, we got into a thing these last couple years of exchanging specialty food as gifts. He sends Allen steaks, I send fancy stuffed olives, etc. This year, I sent him Cougar Gold, a tasty cheese made by the Washington State University creamery. As a bonus novelty, it comes in a can. It comes in a can because it was developed in an attempt to extend the shelf-life of food for the troops during WWII. It was only a partial success, though: the tin protects the cheese from damage, but it has to be kept refrigerated or the bacteria in the cheese will pop the can.

Because of the refrigeration issue, the cheeses can only be sent during certain parts of the year. Additionally, it’s a popular item to order for Christmas and the creamery only has so much capacity. So, I placed his order early and he got his cheese today.

So, he calls up, drunk again, to thank me for the cheese, although it is clear that he is confused as to why I sent it. “Thanks for the cheese?” I explain why I sent it early and his confusion shifts to bemused confusion. “But it isn’t Christmas yet.” Not really knowing how to handle my gift rejection, I try to start telling him about the cheese’s development, hoping to pique his history bug’s interest. He cuts me off to start expounding on how awesome modern MRE’s are, they are so delicious, I should really try one, have I ever had them?
Yes, I have often.
“YOU HAVE?? When could you have possibly had one?”
Those 2 years I was in Junior ROTC in high school when you were all excited that I might join the military.
“Oh, right. Did you know they used to come with two cigarettes inside? But they probably don’t do that any more. And, back when they were developing them 30 years ago, they field tested MREs in Hawaii? Some buddy of mine was tangentially involved in helping. Also, did you know that, even though all the plastic packaging makes the food impervious to radiation and spoilage and everything, the little Tobasco bottle inside still comes in glass because the Tobasco will eat through the plastic?”
That seems unlikely, but sure. Awesome.
“Well, I can tell you aren’t interested in talking. Thanks for the cheese?”

And now I feel like a jerk for not humoring him better. :mad::frowning:

2

Weak rant, I know, but I needed to tell someone and The Husband is busy.

3

If you want to send another cheese can I can PM you my address, it will be much appreciated here drool It sucks he opened his present early and forgot why you’d sent it. I’m sure once he sobers up he’ll figure it out.

4

I assume the little glass Tabasco bottles are kin to those I’ve received in non-military single-serving packages; the caps are plastic.

5

Well, you shouldn’t feel bad. Either he will sober and think HE was the jerk, or else he will sober up and not remember, or else he will think you’re a jerk for not humoring him but he will be wrong.

6

Thanks for the sympathies :slight_smile: I think I’ve sufficiently nursed my wounded pride.

Spark: I may just point out that factoid about the caps to him later. It seems like all our conversations lately start out with him making some bizarre statement and me refuting him and us devolving into an absurd argument for an hour. :frowning:

EvilTOJ: for making me lol, I’ll go halfsies on a tin with you. At $18 for a nearly 2 pound can, they are a bargain and really tasty. I made a vat of mac n’ cheese with part of the wheel I bought for me and The Husband. I made the mistake of mentioning such to the girls at work and was forced to bring a casserole dish’s worth for them under threat of mutiny. The 5 of us devoured the entire pan in about 10 minutes.

7

There are organizations that offer support to the relatives of people with alcohol problems. Have you checked out any of these?

8

Are you the type of person who enjoys little trivia factoids? Because I am, and that’s how my dad likes to talk to me. The difference is, he doesn’t get offended if it turns out he was mistaken, and he wouldn’t drink to save his own life.

9

Little Nemo: On the scale of cancerous behaviors, my dad’s alcoholism is about as benign as it can get (to other people, any way). Although, I may see if they have any ideas on tactics to convince him to cut back a bit. He’s amazingly pig-headed though; an unfortunate side effect of him being fairly smart.

BigT: Normally, I am. But, the way he delivers the info is amazingly annoying. It’s this big production as he builds it up, carefully recreating the lead in to the punchline, and then being very overly amused at the punch. And, if I disagree with him, I get this patronizing sigh and something along the lines of how I’m too young to understand/appreciate/know anything about these things. I’m 28 and a veterinarian. We recently got into a fight over evolution which he, despite being a trained chemist, has been convinced by Glen Beck to abandon as gauzy, ill-founded supposition. My training in the field meant nothing; I am too young to know these things and I should trust his opinion. Maybe after I’ve read all the books he has, we can have a real conversation on the subject.

Wah. Wah, me.

10

It may not be a crisis but apparently it’s at least an issue. Talking with other people in similar situations may help you deal with it.

11

Pullet, we need the recipe, and the ordering information!
Us orange crackwhores need to stick together, now that Golden
Grain is no more.

12

For a minute, I thought your dad was saying that YOU were drunk again. (My mom used to say at family gatherings, “that’s your fourth glass of wine, you’re drunk!” And I would say, “yes, how else am I supposed to get through this day?”)

Anyway, thanks for the mention of this cheese, I heard about it a while ago and meant to look it up online but forgot.

13

Perhaps I’m missing something, but I didn’t see that your dad called you drunk in the OP. He was drunk when he called you, and there was a lot of confusion, but I never see him accusing you of being drunk.

14

Yes, the title line could have two meanings. The OP meant that her father called her when he was drunk not that he called her a drunk.

15

Tabasco sauce has only 3 ingredients; red peppers, vinegar, and salt.

Just so you know.

16

Pullet, you seem a lot more irritated over this conversation than an outsider would have expected upon reading it. (I don’t see him rejecting your gift, for instance). That suggests to me that talking to him about anything, particularly when he’s drunk, raises the whole history of old resentments that are part and parcel of living with an alcoholic in your life.

I strongly recommend Al-Anon for your own peace of mind. Not to look for strategies to persuade him to change, but to develop ways to manage your interactions with and reactions to him. It doesn’t have to be so emotionally draining.

17

I sympathize; drunk parents are a pain in the ass. You don’t need to feel guilty for his confusion or irritation (he probably won’t even remember it anyway.) Drunk people are not rational. I make it a point not to call my alcoholic father on Friday or Saturday night, or pick up the phone on the weekends, because I know he’s just going to be drunk, ornery, and guilt-tripping. Maybe you could institute a similar practice. It just sounds like these upsetting conversations could be avoided by setting some boundaries about your interactions with him.

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If you had written a note with it, then it would have been The Pullet Surprise. Cuz you’re a good writer.

19

The VorlonLike all good recipes, it changes every time. But, there is one rule: When in doubt, add more cheese sauce! The ordering info is in the link in the OP. Although ordering now may not get you your tin by Christmas, but you’ll get it in time to start the New Year right.

Yeah, sorry. And I’ve tried talking to him when he’s not drunk. He’s got an odd shell up all the time. I think he grew it dealing with my mom. There is a very small window of time in the early evening when he’s just buzzed enough to break out of his shell, but not so drunk as to be a pain. Just before he transitions from Coors to Jack.
And you guys are right, we’ve had some bad conversations when he was drunk. Nothing malicious, just him being insufferable.

I know, in the grand scheme of things, it’s minor. I’m basically over my wounded pride.

20

Oh, god. You had one of those conversations. I’ve learned a lot from my dad during those… it’s essentially the only time he talks about his Air Force experience, other than the on-base stuff. (Vietnam, wing was seconded to Special Forces, shot down at least once, ugly shit happened repeatedly.) But he also grows overly sure and overly pedantic. I think it’s a variety of maudlin. Anyhow, during one of Those Conversations, he is the only authority, and he does not take any disagreement. I tell you, it was easier to handle them at 30 then when I was five, though. (It’s also a good signal as to when he’s started drinking Too Much Again.)

It’s not the individual conversation. It’s… it’s like you start talking, and you realize that you’re about to be engulfed in an ocean wave of illogic, stupidity, wisdom, and pedantry, all coupled in the service of a dominance game. The weight of the dominance game depends on if he feels threatened or not, though, so it can be a friendly dominance game or a threatening one.

I love my dad, even during these conversations, but god damn, they wear on you.