My dearly beloved father is an alcoholic and has been since before I was born. I had issue with it when I was younger, but frankly I’m over it. Most of his identity is wrapped up in being an alcoholic – he knows it, is kind of proud of it, intends to do nothing about it, and it doesn’t really affect anyone but himself. Besides me, every single other person he knows and loves is also an alcoholic, and he has no driver’s license, so I don’t have to worry about him killing someone by driving drunk.
I don’t have a lot of money, but I want to get him a little something more than a card just to show him I appreciate him and care.
I pretty much know the best thing to get him, and that’s a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps with a big red bow on it. I have a clear recollection of this being a part of his life on a regular basis when I was growing up.
Is that really too awful? I know he would get a kick out of it. And drink it. Well, he would drink it whether I gifted it to him or not.
Do I have some sort of moral obligation out of respect for my past self, or his health, or something, to not do this?
It may also help to know that I’m really only getting to know him just now. There was a 10 year time period when I did not know him, between the ages of 12 and 22, so we’ve been slowly getting acquainted over the last couple of years. I almost feel like this would be the ultimate ‘‘I accept you exactly as you are’’ sort of gift to show my love.
Er, sounds like you condone drinking to excess and dependence on alcohol instead of actually living life and dealing with the crap that made you drink in the first place.
I feel like this is a snarky answer, but it is MHO. And I guess (hope) that’s what you wanted.
Yes, I wanted honest answers. No, I don’t condone it, in that sense that I think it’s a good idea. I’ve accepted my father’s choices because I love him and he’s made it clear he’s not going to change.
Food? Of course, the food wouldn’t really be very good for him either.
If it’s not a good idea, I guess it’s not a good idea. I guess I’m just crazy. I’ve been racking my brain for some kind of ulterior motive in thinking this would be a wise gift, but I really don’t think I’m bitter. Just resigned. I want him to know I love him, and we don’t know each other well enough to really know what the other would like.
Eh. I don’t know. I have this same moral dilemma when giving money to obvious drunks on the street. Sure, the Upright (uptight?) Moralist in me doesn’t want to contribute to the delinquency of the diseased. OTOH, who the heck am I to deny a grown adult what he likes best in the world? The fact that it’s not what I like best in the world, even the fact that I think it’s probably harming him in the long run, isn’t really any different than giving my Catholic mother-in-law a crucifix necklace, or my fat aunt a box of chocolates or my teenaged son a war story video game. If it was any other hobby, you’d probably get him something to enjoy that hobby.
I guess I don’t have a real answer, but just wanted to let you know that at least one other person is ambivalent about the issue.
I second the tickets to a ball game–or passes to a movie, or a reservation at a restaurant. Something nice the two of you can do together, and that sounds horribly Pollyanna-ish but you may end up having a great time. Who knows?
First of all, you don’t suck. You are just trying to figure out what to get your dad for Christmas. Obviously, one of his favourite things is peppermint schnapps. It is a tough situation, but you summed it up nicely in that you have stated that you love him and have accepted his choices; he has made it clear he is not going to change.
Other than a bottle of his favourite hooch, would he be open to the idea of your time? Maybe you can get together with him and go for a nice walk (depending on the weather), or take him out to dinner or lunch? Maybe get tickets to a concert or a movie and go together.
Having written these suggestions, I realize they just might not work. Many alcoholics prefer to lounge around at home. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was (still is) a drug addict. I don’t know my father very well at all. We share the same blood, but I could not tell you what his favourite colour is, or what his favourite song is. Not sure I have ever even given him a Christmas present, come to think of it.
On second thought, perhaps a bottle of peppermint schnapps is not such a bad idea. Sometimes people just won’t change. I hope your Christmas is a happy one and that you get this dilemma sorted out.
Get him a gift certificate to a restaurant where they don’t sell alcohol.
OTOH, when I was 14 I gave my father, who traveled a lot in his job and was an alcoholic (a very functional one- never drove drunk, never drank at work, etc.), a travel bar [case/glass/mixers/etc.]. He liked it, probably his favorite gift from me. Still, I always felt guilty over it.
I wish I could do tickets somewhere, but he’s a hermit, completely uncomfortable out in public unless it’s in a bar. The only ‘‘restaurants’’ he eats in are bars.
Look, this is starting to make my Dad sound like a really sad man. I didn’t mean for this to get personal or anything. He is a really kind man with a terrible addiction, and I am obviously just trying to deal with it in a poor way. It’s been a long time since I’ve dealt with this.
This was my line of reasoning. He doesn’t eat right, either – is it wrong to get him sausage and cheese?
What do you get the man who has nothing and wants nothing?
I guess all he really wants is for me to be there.
A scrapbook or some nicely framed photos of you and your family? A gift certificate to a grocery store or a book store? Something you think he could really use, like a good blanket, or something.
Dunno, but I don’t think alcohol is the way to go, either.
I think you’ll be fine. He’s going to drink peppermint schnapps whether you give him a bottle or not. I can’t see how demanding he seek treatment is going to make his or your Christmas any more pleasant. Either he’ll seek treatment someday, or he won’t, and everything I know about addiction suggests that he won’t be pushed into it–not successfully, anyway.
Don’t let the criticism in this thread get you down. It’s not personal.
I appreciate your thoughts. 12 years ago he made the choice not to seek treatment and as a result he lost the parental rights to his kids, which was incredibly painful for him but a choice he made. There is no evidence to suggest he will ever change, and I just can’t punish him anymore for being who he is. Maybe a lot of people can’t understand why I’m not more insistent that he get treatment. But they weren’t that childhood me begging him for years to attend AA meetings, either. If he didn’t change when I was 4, when I was 8, or when I was 12, there is absolutely no reason to suspect that he will change now that I’m 24 and don’t really need him to be sober.
Jeez, this turned out to be a real downer. I had convinced myself that this whole issue had barely ever affected me, but I guess it’s pretty obvious I’m kind of sad and confused about it.
That brings up the other thing I was thinking: maybe if you can give him that bottle of schnapps, you can prove to yourself that you’re over it, or at least as over it as you need to be. And you’ll also be telling Pops that you accept him as he is. I think people are shortchanging you here.
I’m going to buck the trend here (except for a few responses) and say this: You won’t be hurting him, physically – he’ll be drinking, gift or no gift. You’re not going to change him; or at least, you shouldn’t choose Christmas as the “right time” to try and do it… And you may just warm his heart with this gift.
If you can think of something else (like the carpentry suggestion, maybe), perhaps that’s even better. If not… eh, go for it. I think, in the end, the positive outweighs the negative here.
That’s a hard one. You’ve clearly admitted that he’s not going to change, and that trying to get him to change would be hurting you far more than it would help him.
It may not be the best thing for him, but I’m not going to tell you that you’re wrong to make that call. You’ve got some pretty impressive history to explain why you feel that way.
Having said all that, I think a gift that deliberately plays into his addiction is unwise. Sometimes all you can do is admit a person will keep doing what they’ve been doing, but you don’t have to aid and abet their actions. I really think that the home improvement gift certificate is a better choice.
Hi Olives.You seem to have a very good grip on all this.Of course it’s a sad confusing downer.If you didn’t buy him a bottle it wouldn’t matter,if you do and think that represents acceptance of his addiction,it won’t matter.Your love,no matter how strong you or he feel it,isn’t going to change the fact that he drinks.One of the reasons I like you so much,you’re not putting conditions on it.
Brief story.As a young man,a fiance committed suicide.She came from a family fractured by an alcoholic father,who had been given the boot by his wife when my fiance was an early teen. In my life since,I have come to know the entire family,well.( Her older sister was best man at my wedding)
I would go visit her father who lived in a dingy little apartment.He seldom went out except to buy his poison ( a not bad brand of whisky ).After a few visits I started to accept a little glass of it,to put him at ease (OY!Nine AM? ). We talked about lots of things,sometimes about the Horror.He called me his son-in-law,a comfort to us both.
I think the best gift is your time,which I feel is true for non-abusers too. (like visiting elderly relatives).
