My wife doesn't want a house?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am super confused on why my wife does not want to get a house.

Our current situation:

We live in an apartment and pay almost 900/month for rent in a 870 square foot apartment. New management has taken over the complex, and things have been going downhill ever since. In my opinion, it is probably bad enough that we could break our lease over (ceilings falling down in outside hallways, “gated” community gate broken, raccoon infestation of property, none of gym equipment working, etc), but we not planning on doing that, just trying to paint the picture of our situation. The new management has informed us that when our lease runs out in February, even if we renew, our rate will be above $1100/month. I do not want to renew the lease, but wife is more hesitant.

We both have well paying jobs now, and I believe based on my income alone I could qualify for a loan of about $100,000, with hers, hopefully even more easily. I have tried explaining to her that a house would be a much better situation for us as we have a dog now that would enjoy a backyard, we could have a workshop in the garage, vegetable garden, etc. This would be our first home, and so we would also qualify for the 8000 dollar tax credit if we started moving on this.

This brings me to my dilemma. She says she wants a house, but whenever I bring up the idea of contacting a real estate agent, getting info on loans, or even looking at houses on our own, she never wants to do it. I understand the need to go into this slowly, but I feel she is more than just dragging her feet (which she has a history of doing) and it is going to cost us a lot of money in the near future.

I’m trying to look at this from her shoes, and these are the possible things I have come up with:

  1. She is afraid to make this large of a commitment.
  2. She is afraid to make this large of a commitment WITH ME.
  3. Her parents have been rather wealthy all her life, and she has never had to borrow money before.
  4. She actually may prefer to live in a third floor apartment with a high energy dog.
  5. She has told me she’s ready to put roots in this area, but she may have changed her mind and be afraid to tell me. She might feel bad about this because she convinced me to move away from my hometown and halfway across the country to live here.
  6. She’s an idiot. (haha;))
    For the houses in our price range, I think it would come out to be about the same price/month with taxes and maintenance, but with the addition of all the benefits (and drawbacks) of a house. I would appreciate anyone else’s opinions on how to handle this situation, as either way we will need to make a decision on where we will be living within a few months.
2

For what it’s worth, the payment on a $100,000 loan at 6% for 30 years would be $599.55. Even with taxes and insurance, that’s WAY less than $1100 rent.

What about a condo with a back yard?

3

Sounds like time for a Come to Jesus meeting.

This sort of thing drive me nuts.

“You’re saying X, but you’re showing this isn’t true. So what are the issues here? Why are you saying X? Is it because you think that’s what I want to hear, or is it some other reason? What are your reservations? If we did X, how would YOU go about it? Would you rather do something else? I’d rather you be honest with me now than keep telling me we should do X, but constantly (sabotaging/balking/dragging your feet) every time I try to get X moving. Because honestly, on my end, this is causing me a lot of pain and frustration.”

4

Is she a good housekeeper? Does she enjoy maintaining a clean and organized home? If not, she might be intimidated by all the extra work that a more spacious house will require.

Does she have credit card debt or a shopping habit that will be uncovered during the financing process?

5

Given the convulsions of the current economy, your wife is displaying very good sense. While you both may have good paying jobs right now, people are being laid off everyday. A house (or more specifically a mortgage) can be a lodestone around your neck. It will severely limit your ability to move if needed for employment. Breaking a lease is nothing compared to a foreclosure or selling at a loss (which most of the people I know who are selling are currently doing). Her concerns about not accumulating a lot of debt (if that’s a factor in not wanting to buy a house), I applaud and wish more Americans would adopt this approach. Families that have had money for a generations often have it because they are prudent enough to severely limit the debt they accumulate. If you are truly serious about buying a house it would be better to convince your wife of this by saving up a large down payment and seriously researching some real estate. Don’t just say, “Let’s go to talk to a realtor.” Scout one out a head of time and get some selections ready. Above all seriously study the real estate market for the hidden gems of cheaper houses (older places, foreclosures. etc.).

6

Is your wife really resistant to change? She might actually want to buy a house, but be afraid of all the work that it takes to actually buy one (and all the change that comes with buying one). I think a really good talk is in order, too - this isn’t something that one of you can decide for the other.

ETA: Don’t buy more house than you need just because two incomes allows you to. That is not prudent.

7

So, after your “come to jesus” talk:

I suggest a first-time homebuyers class. That’s what my husband and I did, and it really made the whole process a lot less stressful.

8

I think she is dragging her feet.

Suppose you do all the work to get pre-approved and call an agent and all she has to do is show up when you have a place to look at? (BTW, I am in the same situation that you are with my SO)

9

I was going to suggest a condo, as well.

That was the option I took when I was hesitant about buying a house instead of renting an apartment. In my case, however, the hangup was more that I did not want to deal with the maintenance hassles of home ownership – lawncare, snow shoveling, etc. The condo association takes care of that stuff, and my condo fee is reasonable (don’t forget to add that into your finances calcs; it’ll still be less than $1100 rent.)

10

I have no insights into your wife’s heart, but unless you have a very good reason, I’d avoid tainting this with emotional minefields like “maybe she doesn’t want to settle down with me” or “little rich girl doesn’t understand the real world”. Don’t make this personal, because then the ultimate outcome becomes a statement about your relationship or about each other, instead of just a choice of where to live.

11

I was also going to say that it could be not wanting to deal with a house, rather than fear of ownership. She might not want to deal with the yard work, or maybe she just likes being in a complex with amenities, even if your particular complex sounds like it’s gotten ratty.

I would consider the single-family vs. multi-family question as a separate but related to rent-vs-own. If you want a garage and a yard then you could always rent a house. I would also suggest picking up a sensible book like “Home buying for Dummies” that covers the basics, there are so many little things you have to consider. (ETA: a class is another great idea). Remember realtors deal in homes, not financial planning.

12

There are problems that a little bit of outside perspective can resolve in a moment, then there are problems that it cannot. Welcome to one of the latter. I’d suggest:
1.) A conversation with your wife that has a slightly more diplomatic version of chimera’s suggestion as your opening statement.
If that fails to resolve issues then:
2.) A conversation with your wife and a marriage counselor.

This could be nothing, this could be something, this could be Swiss cheese on rye bread. Only communication will resolve. I’d begin by talking to her about the specific issue of the house, trying not to bring in any assumptions about underlying causes.

13

I second that. Especially DO NOT use any tactics along the line “little rich girl doesn’t understand the real world.” Her immediate counter would be that “she understands the world better than you, the reason her people are rich is because they didn’t accure large debts.” Seriously, houses can be black holes sucking up money that you will never get back.

14

This sounds like something my wife might do, not because she doesn’t want a house, but because she’s worried about something (but not anything in particular). Things like “contacting a real estate agent, getting info on loans” are things you could do on your own, since you’re not committing to anything. Even looking at houses, you can go to open houses on your own. She might decide to go too if you’re going anyway.

15

If you make it a 10 year loan then the payment is $1,110. Does that number ring a bell in this discussion?

There is little downside to owning a house versus an apartment. In this case it will be larger, have a yard for the dog, and increase in value. An apartment represents a complete loss of capital. In this example, after 10 years in an apartment the renters are out $132,000. Gone. The home owner has spent $132,200, owns $100,000 of a house purchased after a bubble collapsed which will probably have increased in value at a conservative 3% so is now worth $134,935. For each year after year 10 the payment can go into the stock market and earn 6%. Looking at the net worth changes between renting and owning:

Year____Rent______Own
10___-132,200___134,935
11___-145,520___153,922
12___-158,840___158,092
13___-172,160___162,386
14___-185,480___166,810
15___-198,800___171,366
16___-212,120___176,058

Taxes can be subtracted from ownership but I don’t have any figures for that.

16

All the above assumes no addition increases in rent.

17

Thanks for the quick and helpful replies.

She has told me she would not be interested in a condo. I agree with her on this though, because with the dog, and some noisy hobbies (woodworking for me, silversmithing for her) I think we could make some angry neighbors pretty quick.

Neither of us are experts at housekeeping. I did not consider this before, and that could very well be part of her reluctance to get a house, not only would be have more space to clean, but we would also have to maintain the outside too.

As far as I know, her credit is okay. She had a ding about five years ago for a medical bill that somehow didn’t get paid, but she said she paid it as soon as she found out.

The house isn’t out of our price range, we are actually shopping quite conservative, given the current economy. I am pretty confident one of us could pay the bills if the other lost their job.

Thanks for the tip on NOT making it personal. This is much easier said than done, but definitely something I keep in mind so I don’t make our hopefully first home buying experience a miserable one.

FWIW, I didn’t mean to make her out as the spoiled rich girl in my OP, I meant it to be more like the girl-who-has-always-paid-cash. I understand this concept, and think it is a good way to go about life, but I don’t think it is necessary to apply it to every aspect either.

I really like the idea of class for first time home buyers. I will have to look them up to see if there is anything local that we could do after work. Overall, I think I am going to let the situation rest for a few days and air out. Maybe I’ll have the “Come to Jesus” talk with her next weekend and really find out what her concerns are, and what would make her happiest. Maybe we’ll end up scrapping the whole house thing altogether! In the meantime, I think I will go through my own thoughts again too and see if I am being unreasonable.

On Preview: Thanks Magiver, if the reasons for her reluctance are financial, maybe it would help if I broke down a few scenarios on paper for her to look at and judge on her own whether she would want to rent or own, and how much each would cost us at different mortgage amounts and lengths.

18

Objectively this is a fantastic time to get a killer deal on a house. Waiting is not likely to improve your deal making ability substantially. People and banks that need to sell are cutting amazing deals. You might want to take a first time home buyer class to get your ducks in a row and make sure you are in line with financial requirements.

Having said this, trying to drag an unwilling partner along on a house deal is often relationship suicide. I’m going to differ from a lot of the folks here and tell you that I think this is a huge red flag in your relationship, and that given your description of the situation you don’t need to be buying anything right now. Assuming you have not been a drama king in describing her attitude it does not sound like she is at all onboard with moving to the next logical stage of your relationship, and that’s something you need to address before you make any substantial financial move.

19

A “come to Jesus” talk assumes that deep down inside she knows what her reasons are–but she may not. She may just have a vague feeling of reluctance or dread. Pressuring her will just lead to frustration–or to her making up reasons to justify a feeling she doesn’t really understand. There’s no huge urgency here. You need to spend some mornings laying in bed chit-chatting, exploring, reflecting, not having a confrontation.

20

I know Astro, I kind of got a bad feeling about it too. I am hoping though it is for another reason that she hasn’t told me, or I haven’t been receptive to and caught on. On some occassions, I feel like she is provoking me into an argument. A while ago I suggested that we go to the bank and see if that have any information there we can use as a starting point. She replied with hostility “I’d love to, but since I am at work all day that’s never going to happen.” I was a little surprised and said “okay” and left the room.

I like your idea too Manda JO. Maybe I will just lay off the whole idea for a while and just relax and chit-chat with her.

I didn’t mean to come across as a drama king :smack:, but I know how long it takes her to move on some of these things. I just can’t stand the idea of paying 1100/month for this dump because she didn’t want to plan ahead.