My wife has Bipolar 2 Disorder... and I need to vent/whine

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My wife has Bipolar 2 Disorder (BP2). This has been devastating for her and getting her help is the most important thing (and we are getting her help), but this thread is going to be selfish. It’s not about her. It’s about me. I’m struggling.

We met in 1991 and married in 1993. We have two children and four grandchildren. I am retired, but I work pretty often driving a motorcoach for a charter company. My wife works full time for a public mental healthcare provider. Our kids and grandkids are healthy and stable. My wife and I are not wealthy, but we are financially secure. We have everything we need, most of what we want, and the financial freedom to do the things important to us. In other words, our cup runneth over. On paper, these should be the happiest days of our lives.

But BP2 has robbed us.

In truth, we have probably had issues with BP2 throughout our lives together, we just didn’t realize it. We’ve had the squabbles that couples have. Usually, they’ve been over trivial things; sometimes more important things. About a year ago, all that changed. I lost my wife. The woman in my house usually looks like my wife, but that is about all that is left.

She was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with BP2 about two months ago. She has begun a medication treatment, but finding just the right chemistry is taking time. In the meantime, life is a living hell.

Mania doesn’t seem to be much of an issue. If manic episodes have happened, they’ve been when I’m not around. I think there have been some, but I haven’t experienced them directly. The downswings, however? Lordy. My wife says she feels either sad or irritable all the time.

This is killing me.

  • Sometimes, she says the meanest, most cruel things to me.

  • She sends me hateful text messages while I’m at work. (“I fucking hate you for leaving.” is a popular one.)

  • She has broken pictures of us as a couple that we had displayed at home. I don’t even know where they are right now.

  • She has put holes and dents in walls and doors by throwing things at them.

  • She broke some “World’s greatest teacher” type stuff given to me by my own children when they were students in my class. (I was a school band director before retirement.)

  • Most of the time, she doesn’t say a word to me. Yesterday, she came in from work. I greeted her with a hug. She stood there and took it. I fixed supper for the both of us. She prepared her plate and ate it. She answers any questions from me with one-syllable answers. “How was your day?” “Fine.”, etc. When she went up to bed, she didn’t say anything like “Good night” or whatever. Sometimes, she leaves the house without a word. I don’t know where she goes or what she is doing.

I know it is the BP2 talking. I know not to take it personally. But it hurts. It hurts a LOT. My wife is gone and I can’t find her. Her voice is even different. She speaks in a low and husky voice instead of her usual pleasant timbre. She sits scrunched up in her chair as small as she can be.

I know she is hurting and I know this is even more awful for her. But it’s killing me.

I could go on about how it’s negatively impacting our marriage, but I’ll stop for now.

Thanks for reading. Just typing it out is cathartic.

2

Oof. Ouch. This sucks. Bipolar II is known for the ups not culminating into full-blown (euphoric) mania, however this kind of irritability and plain meanness might either indicate a mixed episode with dysphoria, or a nasty agitated depression. Especially the below-the-belt ad hominems can absolutely be due to a mood episode and it’s killing for the people around. Do you speak to her psychiatrist as well? Because this is really exhausting for you and her doctor needs to be aware of that. Vent all you want, you need support. It’s excruciatingly lonely to have a spouse so far gone. All the best.

3

My deepest sympathies, and I know it hurts, a lot. My wife suffers from treatment resistant depression (or maybe bipolar, or maybe depression and ADD), and I really recognize those behaviors you describe. During the worst of it, we could go days where the only thing my wife would say was “OK” or maybe grunt.

It is very hard to live with. Having to let all of it roll over you, and still be there, and still take care of her is so hard. I wanted to be depressed too, and spend all day in bed, but I couldn’t, because somebody had to keep their shit together. I’m completely aware that our spouses aren’t behaving like this because they want to, or because they have a choice, but that doesn’t change how I felt at the time—like I didn’t have the luxury of just checking out.

I hope chemistry and therapy will bring your wife back. In the meantime, find safe places to vent, such as here (I hope it’s safe here). I was always resistant to talk about it, because just talking doesn’t fix anything, but I also always felt better after talking, and ready to go back for another day in the trenches.

4

I know well how difficult it can be to distinguish “her” from “the disease” (when she does or says infuriating things). Thank you for articulating this frustrating dilemma well. And, thank you for noting your gratitude for what we DO have (but also how this makes the bipolar challenges all the more unfortunate, in a way).

Big hug from a fellow traveler in this energy-draining adventure. At least we live in a time when there is greater (though not yet nearly full) “acceptance” of such illnesses; and, there are potential medical and therapeutic relief tools (not cures, alas — and the journey of finding the right relief tools for your loved one is often fraught with uncertainty and disappointment.)

5

Family members of people with a disorder often need therapy themselves to deal with the condition and what it’s doing to their family as well as what it’s doing to themselves. If you’re having trouble, it’s a good idea to find a therapist of your own. They give you a much needed outlet and may also be able to suggest coping strategies.

I don’t know if there’s a support group out there for family members of people with BP2 (2?), like there’s AlAnon for family members of people who are alcoholics, but it’s worth checking into.

6

Oh my. How difficult and so very painful. My sincerest sympathies for you and your situation @Drum_God .

7

How old are the two of you? Could she be suffering from some kind of early-onset dementia? Seems to me that serious medical help is needed in this case: I hope you can find it.

I’m a bit depressive myself, and my wife & I fight from time to time, but mostly we hold things together. And we do talk, at least.

Keep working on medical advice, I would say. I think some antidepressant medications available nowadays are better than they used to be.

Good wishes!

8

Dude!
I’m in a very similar situation as your wife.

It’s hard, and yeah, not really sure what else to say except vent here and seek professional help for yourself as well. You all have been together long enough now that it isn’t “her” problem anymore, it’s both of you having a problem.

9

Two notes for you, OP.

  1. Your wife is sick. That is true. But you are allowed to have needs too. It’s ok to get help from a therapist. You are not being a bad person because you need help when your wife needs you to be strong.

  2. It’s ok to tell your wife when she’s being mean to you and that she shouldn’t do that. When I’m in a depressive episode, I sometimes need an outside perspective to understand how bad it is and how bad I’m behaving. Be nice about it though, obviously.

10

This. A mood disorder clouds the mind to the extent that people no longer see the impact they’re having on their environment. In order to keep interaction bearable it’s allowed to set limits. That’s what kept my parents together while my Mom was depressed and suicidal.

11

Drum_God, I’m sorry for your situation. I don’t have a lot of experience with Bipolar 2, but I have been close to someone with a personality disorder, and I know the degree to which any kind of mental health disease has far more victims than just the patients.

My parents work as volunteers with NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. At different times, they have lead or facilitated educational or support groups for those near to people with mental illness. I can recommend NAMI for you or anyone who is looking for support and information about how to make it through the days yourself.

12

Sever Bipolar I, Mixed for 40 years here.

Absolutely straight on OP. Serious shit for other people in sick person’s life life. If you can afford it, therapy is absolutely a good thing for you.

If you can’t/don’t want to, a ton of groups, in real life or on-line, are good places to drop-in every once in a while.

Straight Dope is good (many of us know each other), but either “whining,” losing your shit with anger and frustration, or hearing other ways to deal with your life are all constant events at those confabs.

13

The father of my children is classic bipolar I and both kids are bipolar as well, one is a bipolar II and the other a rapid cycling bipolar I mixed. Both kids also have ADHD. I feel your pain, hoo boy do I ever.

Dad is med compliant on lithium for three+ decades now–good for him. Daughter is med resistant and can turn into the most horrifying harpy you’d hate to meet in a dark alley–she’s hell on all relationships and scary bad with money. Son is mostly depressed, is mostly med compliant and is finding considerable relief from lithium and Lamictal.

It’s not fun and I’m sorry you’re in it–take time for yourself and try to remember it’s not really personal no matter how much that feels like utter bullshit.

14

Oof. That sounds horrible. Take care of yourself. Whine to us. Get a therapist. Get enough sleep. Eat healthy.

Best wishes.

15

What a terrible situation for both you and your wife. It’s very difficult when our lives and our dreams are negatively affected by the illness of our partner. No matter how much you want to remain patient and loving, it’s only human nature to feel resentful and even angry at times.

Don’t beat yourself up about those feelings. Just know they are normal.

I agree with others that you have an absolute right to ask that she not call you names or abuse you in anyway.

I wish you both luck as you journey through these difficult days and second the advice to vent to us anytime.

16

May I ask you – if I promise I’m not being even the slightest bit judgmental – if Bipolar 2 Disorder was ‘the asshole’ you pitted back here (at least, as you see it now) ?

I remembered that you posted that.

I’m sick. I had an adverse drug reaction that turned my athletic heart into a fibrotic (scar tissue) stiff bag that doesn’t work well, and isn’t slated to work for that much longer. I’m on borrowed time and my quality of life is nil.

And I had a pretty good life once upon a time.

And maybe the worst thing about watching my life slip away before my eyes … is … knowing that my wife is collateral damage. I can’t help that, and I can’t help her. And I can’t help her feelings of helplessness.

The entire thing just sucks.

I think I manage my emotions pretty well, but – because I’m not really battling mental illness – I can. I’m very glad for that.

And I’m glad for that because I can’t imagine putting my wife through more than the fact of my illness puts her through.

All of this is my way of saying … I’m so powerfully sorry. I hope they find a treatment regimen that either brings your beloved back to you as you remember her, or – at the very least – leaves you somebody that you find awfully damned charming and with whom you can live far more easily.

All the best to you both/all.

17

I now suspect that that episode with a possible tampered drink may have been an early manic or hypomanic episode. We did not recognize it at the time.

18

I’m bipolar 2, and a couple regular drinks would sometimes set me off into a hypomanic episode, no tampering needed. (Or it’s possible impending hypomania gave me urges to drink. Either way.) I don’t drink anymore. Plus I’m medicated.

19

Thank you for the kind words, everyone. Lately, I’ve felt like just a passenger in my own life.

To take care of myself, I do see a therapist and he is helping me through this. The original intent of seeing the therapist was to help me deal with some other issues relating either tangentially or directly to my marriage. That has morphed into giving me a place to vent and letting me know that it is okay to be upset about all of this.

I’ve also been reading a book on the subject. When she first came home with the diagnosis, I thought it was “just take a pill and it will be better”, so I really didn’t look much into it. My wife suggested that I do some reading up on this. (She has a BS in Psychology and more than two decades in the mental healthcare field, so she knew it was serious whereas I was less knowledgeable.) I am learning, but it’s tough. Most of the time, I have tears streaming down my face as I read the book. After I finish reading the first time, I am going to go back and do the journaling and other assignments in it. I hope that my wife will work with me on that.

For her part, she is getting help from a psychiatrist. She is reading a different book by the same authors that I am reading. I suspect it is the same information, just organized differently. (She does know I am reading a book and I have shared it with her.)

Some days are awful; some days less so. Last night, we were able to go out to dinner and have a pretty normal evening. She’s stressed about some things at work and that doesn’t help. Of course, the stress may be from BP2 more so than the actual challenge she faces. Paranoia seems to be a facet of all of this.

20

Paranoia is just the worst. I had several long term relationships with women with serious paranoia issues, but those came from a root of anxiety and neuroticism, not bipolar or schizophrenia. Normal everyday worries like job stress or food sensitivities, would instantly blow up into major paranoid episodes.

“Do you think the waiter lied about there being garlic in the sauce, he seemed annoyed for me asking, now I don’t feel well. Talk to the manager, and now the manager is lying about garlic, too.”

“My boss is deliberately being vague so no matter what I do I’ll get reprimanded for not following instructions, and I can’t ask, because that means I can’t do my job.”

Both totally possible scenarios. Waiters and bosses both can be jerks. But the whole world is viewed through that “they’re out to get me” lens, so it becomes impossible to tell when a jerk boss is being a jerk, or when it’s just a poorly worded email, and a request for clarification would solve the whole thing.

Arguing is pointless, because best case, you’re not convincing, worst case, you’re part of the problem.

I’m glad to see that you’re both getting some care. Unfortunately treatment takes a long time, and is slow. Sometimes there can be some relief quickly (weeks), but it’s not a cure, it’s a process.