My wife has Bipolar 2 Disorder... and I need to vent/whine

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Can I just applaud you for taking an active and supportive approach to this ?

It’s hard to imagine, but there are some people within relationships who would focus solely on the impact of a partner’s illness on them (the non-sick partner). They would be entirely selfish, and – as a consequence of that – either unhelpful or actively harmful.

You get to vent. You get to bitch. You get to feel no end of feelings as every day is so unpredictable.

And you also get to grieve – the loss of what used to be, and the possible loss of what was supposed to be in the future.

But you’re learning, and that – at least to me – is supportive. You’re being a partner. There may not be much you can do, but you’re doing what you can.

You’re also putting the oxygen mask on yourself (by seeing a therapist). Smart. You can’t really help her if you can’t help yourself.

And – while I’m sure you’re aware of this – maybe a bit like the onset of dementia … I have to imagine that your wife is going through a bit of hell herself. I mean … this really is kind of a mind betraying the patient.

Just like the oncologist that gets cancer (the mental health worker who gets bipolar) … sometimes, having a foundational education in what you’re going through … is cold comfort.

I really cannot imagine …

22

And for this reason, it’s good that you started this thread, and can come back to it. Venting helps.

Unfortunately finding the right combination of meds is difficult. I do hope that her doctor is able to help her, and that your therapist helps you stay you.

23

I hope everything goes ok, hang in there. We’ve known for a long time that this is a natural disease related to genetics, so I don’t know if that’s something easier to “forgive” than a disorder of primarily social development, and mental illness is not carte blanche to do bad things. A spiked drink wouldn’t “cause” it but it could increase it’s expression or even cause it to come out long term and more severe.
It’s also treatable, but it can take a long time getting there. But generally people with BPI are more resistant to treatment because they enjoy the high, so you’re potentially better off here. You suggest that she’s sometimes fine still, is this still the case? Does she apologize in those moments? Is couples counseling an option?

However, lots of people misunderstand BPII as “less severe” BPI. It’s mainly “different.” Hypomania can be very hard to recognize, and there aren’t clear mood swings. The incidence of risky behavior is much lower, but the depression is killer and as you recognize, depression does not mean super-sadness but often anger.

I’m not even certain if I have a touch of it, though not that debilitating. Thankfully the modern medicine is not nearly as disruptive as it used to be or even modern psychiatric meds for other purposes. The one I take has basically 1 side effect, and it’s a gnarly one, but it happens in a small minority of users, others have basically zero side effects.

24

So much this. I had no idea of how much my depression was affecting others until I found that many “friends” were actively avoiding me. Absolutely nobody had the guts to speak up to me, especially family. Eventually, I figured it out and got help. It is important for you to have an outlet when dealing with a friend or partner who is ill. And thank you for dealing with it and not just walking away. So many do.

25

The drink may not even have been tampered with. Alcohol and psychotropic meds don’t mix. It was likely manic.

I have BP2, along with other health issues. It sucks to have it and it sucks for my husband at times. We’re fortunate both of us are in a 12 step program as there is so much support available to individually process it. I also see a therapist.

My husband has gone to my psychiatrist appointments before. It helped recently because he told the doc some things he noticed that I wasn’t aware of and my doc changed my meds. He’s had to learn to accept that I don’t always have the energy to clean the dishes or go to work. But he could also choose to be resentful and angry, or leave.

Im not a doctor but it sounds like your wife’s meds are off. It takes time to find the right concoction, and it may never be perfect but she should be more than monosyllabic. Hell, if she went out with the girls then it’s her behavior with you. Stand up for yourself when she’s rude or mean, she needs to be aware that when she says or does certain things it hurts your feelings. She may come back with you don’t understand or it’s so hard to have this disease. And you reply, that’s why I’m being honest with you because I love you!

Lastly, you are just as important! Don’t believe you’re being selfish because you need to vent. If you’re not healthy, then life will be unbearable.

26

I have no experience with mental health issues of self or spouse. But I did just finish 20+ years (and 10 acutely) of dealing with my ever-increasingly medically infirm and now deceased beloved first wife. Who went from energetic, capable, and fun to effectively inert and 30+ years my senior while I went from youthful 50-ish to youthful 60-ish.

For a long time you can give and care and give and care because that’s your habit from the good times and because you still love who your spouse was, and sometimes still is. But at some point you start to notice your life is going down their rat-hole. And that your life feels increasingly finite and devoid. Because it is increasingly finite and devoid.

What matters then is how you adapt to this realization.

Some folks defend themselves with denial, or simmering (or boiling) anger at their spouse, or running off, or working to hospitalize or commit them, etc. Some folks say “I guess ‘richer or poorer, good health or bad, til death …’ meant what it said, and I’m in for the duration. Sux to be me, but I gotta soldier on. Sux even more to be them, or worse yet, them without me still here to help.” Difficult bordering on impossible though living that realization may be.

It takes far more strength of conviction, strength of character, and love of humanity in general (warts and all), and your spouse in particular to choose the latter path. But it is, IMO the better path. Not easy, and you’ll do much howling at the Moon about the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Doubly so if your spouse’s problems render them pretty unlikeable minute to minute.

I can’t say what you ought to do. I can say that taking care of yourself is essential for you to be able to take care of her. And that taking care of you may have to be pretty limited vs. your caregiving, but it still needs to be enough so you can slog this marathon successfully and not end up as burnt-out roadkill at the 3/4ths mark.

Come here often. Ask for advice and for sympathy. Separately, be elsewhere where you can be you unburdened by your load, an apparently normal person leading an apparently normal life.

There is a lot of beauty & wonder in the world even when you’re definitely getting a crappy short shrift of it. Seize that as best you can.

We’re here for you. All of us.

27

My wife was initially diagnosed as bipolar, but later as PTSD. This can mimic bipolar symptoms. She would get hypomanic, and would start yelling anytime she took exception to something someone said. She’s been hospitalized twice since we’ve been together, but she hasn’t had an episode since the PTSD diagnosis 10 years ago. It’s hard, since someone who is manic tends to think it’s all due to other people.

28

I wanted to pop in to share a success story. My wife and I went to see the new Elvis movie yesterday afternoon. The theater is about thirty minutes from our house. We had a pleasant, normal conversation on the way there, enjoyed the movie, and grabbed some fast-food for dinner before heading back home. There was a bit of an incident at the fast-food place, but it was more of a misunderstanding than anything else.

Many days are really awful, but the good days are nice to have. We’re at the beginning of this new journey. Maybe we’ll be okay…

29

Good to hear. Keep a grip on the good memory.

30

Yaay! Thanks for sharing. And thank your wife for holding it together.

31

I suspect that as I read further through the thread, I’ll see a lot of similar suggestions to you, to get therapy for yourself to help you deal with the situation. You NEED help dealing with this. You don’t deserve to be treated the way your wife has been behaving, and even though it’s the illness, not the true person, it’s still hurtful to you.

It’s heartbreaking.

I have read that people who are diagnosed with bipolar have struggled for years, before finally getting the right diagnosis and the right medication, and a lot of the symptoms have been masquerading as other things. “Standard” depression and so on.

I strongly suspect my daughter has a mild form of bipolar, though she has never been labelled as such. She became very clearly depressed after high school, and was put on meds for that, which really didn’t do all that much. Her behavior spiralled over the next couple of years. She went through periods of being suicidal, though she didn’t disclose some of that to us. Things like asking her to help do the dishes would be met with a complete meltdown and suicidal ideation. She was so horrible to have around the house that we were genuinely considering throwing her out onto the street.

Luckily (yes, really) she developed a seizure disorder. When it was finally documented on a 72-hour EEG, she was put on Lamictal; the neurologist actually said it would help with mood stabilization.

She was a completely different person. Those seizures quite literally saved her life. I’ve since read that Lamictal is one of the meds used for bipolar.

Which all boils down to: if your wife and her medical providers can come up with the right approach, it will make a HUGE difference.

Is your wife seeing a therapist? not just a psychiatrist to manage her meds, but someone she can TALK to?

Reading more of the thread: I’m very glad to see that you are seeing a therapist. And also glad you had a nice night out!

32

Reading this^ made me happy.

Hey Drum_God, know that for every post of support in this this thread, there are likely dozens (hundreds? thousands?) of us who are quietly rooting for you.

Hoping for more good days for both you and your wife.

mmm

33

Well, after a couple of mostly good weeks, we’ve had a clunker. I suppose we were due. So, I’m here seeking some advice.

First, some background. I drive a motorcoach for a charter bus company. This means that my schedule is completely unpredictable and I can come and go at all hours, any day of the week. When I sought this job a couple of years ago, my wife was completely on board (see what I did there?!) with it, even with the travel, etc. That has changed.

In my reading, I have learned that it is important to avoid “triggers”. Well, my job is a trigger. But, I can’t avoid it. I have to tell her “I’m going to be gone over night tomorrow.” or “I’ll be back around 2:00am tonight.” If I am going to keep going in this job, my job has to be a topic of discussion. Quitting is not an option. Aside from the financial consideration, my wife forbids me from quitting this job. She does not want to be responsible for quitting a job I enjoy. I get that and I do enjoy the actual work. I do NOT enjoy the guilt I feel every time I leave, every time I tell her about my next assignment, and so on. It’s gotten to where I hate to even tell her ordinary “about my day” types of stories because I just feel so awful.

So, the explosion this week. I don’t do very many overnight trips; my company (because I’ve asked them to) keeps me within several hours of home. But an overnight comes up every once in a while. I had a trip that left Monday and I returned on Tuesday. During that trip, I received orders to leave on another trip Wednesday and return Thursday (yesterday). I had a sick feeling the whole way home from the earlier trip. I knew this would be trouble. I tried to get out of the assignment, but, for various reasons, that was not possible. So I told her that I would be home only for about 18 hours before leaving on another overnight.

Wednesday morning, before I was to leave, there was shouting and smashing of things. “I fucking hate you!” was a common refrain. Stuff was thrown, smashed, and scattered about. There was primal screaming (not words, just scream). Great fun was had by all (not hardly). Anything I said was met with “You’re just turning this around and blaming me for everything!”

So, advice-seeking time. Even when calm, how do I discuss things without blaming everything on her/bipolar 2? When I am away from home, I always call in the evening. I was away Wednesday night and I didn’t call. She is now (on Friday) upset with me. I didn’t call (in spite of a few friendlier texts during the day) because the last I talked to her, she was screaming and smashing things. When I call or text and she doesn’t answer, it just tears me up inside. So, I just didn’t risk it. When I explained that (not the screaming and smashing part), she said again, “I’m just turning it around and blaming her.” I wish I had called, but I was genuinely fearful that nothing good would come from it.

I hope this makes sense. Sometimes, I think I’m losing my mind.

ETA: Yes, I am receiving counseling. My next appointment is Monday (which may be preempted by another work assignment). I just value y’all’s opinions, too.

34

There are actual psychiatrists on the thread, but I’ll chime in with what helps when my son has a meltdown. He is also BP2. My husband is too, but we’re just starting the treatment process with him (a different thread undoubtedly).

  1. Work with psychiatrist to establish some guidelines for meltdowns before they happen
  2. Once the meltdown starts, follow the procedures and DO NOT ENGAGE otherwise, no matter what they say
  3. Discuss the issue once everyone is calm

With my son this normally looks like telling him that we will discuss whatever it is when he is not upset and then sticking to it. No matter what he says, unless it’s a credible threat of harm to himself or others, we do not engage other than to say we will discuss it when he is not upset. My son has a safe place he can go when he is upset, and we leave him alone. My son is 17, so not a child anymore. Note: these are the rules for our son, not your wife, but the rules have made a huge difference. I recommend talking to her dr about whether something similar would make sense.

As far as how to discuss things once everyone is calm, the trigger is the focus not the disease. You have to go on a trip. She is/was upset because x, y, or z. How will x, y, or z be addressed? Entirely separate is the meltdown or meltdowns, and those are discussed with the psychiatrist, or with her in the context of discussing her treatment. In other words, the trip may have been the trigger but the meltdown was the disease. They are 2 separate things. Does that help?

35

As a veteran of the same sort of job, but dealing with a wife with medical, not mental, issues I understand a lot of this. The job itself, and the unpredictability of it, is a big stressor. On you, on her, and on your couple-ness.

Having said that, I venture a guess that had you worked all local work on a canned 9-5 MF schedule she’d still be wigging out over some aspect of some of it. Because, and this is hard, she’s not wigging due to the things she’s saying are the cause. She’s wigging out because her brain is broken and your job schedule was just the thing standing closest nearby when the wires started sparking in her head. So that’s what she seized on. It could have as easily been your choice of evening TV.

By now you’ve noticed there’s little or no proportionality between the size of the trigger and the size of the response. I’m going to go a step farther and suggest there’s no logical connection whatsoever between the substance of the trigger and the substance of the response. Humans are amazing at pattern-finding even when there is no pattern to be found (lottery draws, shapes in clouds, etc.) Do not torture yourself into an ever tinier box trying to avoid triggers when literally everything is, or might be, the next trigger.

To be sure the polar opposite is no good: you can’t assume your worst behavior wouldn’t make matters worse, but we both know you’re not going to do that. Be the guy that worked for her when she was healthy, plus an extra dollop of understanding and consideration for her limitations. Trying to live in the spot that isn’t triggering her right now is a fool’s errand. In this total non-expert’s opinion.

I don’t know that I have more to say except to extend my sincerest sympathies. You have been handed one of life’s hardest possible challenges. In some ways harder than the one your wife has been handed, in some ways not as hard. Good luck my friend.