The same thing happened to a friend of mine recently, and the general consensus was, “that sucks.” I know, it’s harsh. Without knowing any of the details of your financial situation, I don’t have any immediate advice, but I would like to clarify an assumption in your post: when you ask, “how are we supposed to buy a new car?” I assume you mean a replacement car, and not necessarily a new one. Given the amount of financial loss here (I’m guessing on the order of $5,000 - $10,000, depending on the car) you should
(a) Call up the IRS and ask if you can claim the difference between the payment and the debt as a loss in income on this year’s taxes. If the loss is great enough, you could get bumped down a bracket, and save potentially up to a third of the loss in recouped taxes this year. I’m no accountant, though, and I use the 1040EZ, so look for an expert to answer this. Something is itching in my brain that says payments on the principal, but not the interest, are deductible.
(b) Look at a used car with a reputation for reliability (Honda, Toyota, Volvo). You have been forced by fate to abandon some of the luxuries of a new, loaded car. I don’t know how the car situation is in your family–if this was the only car in the household, you might spring for a dirt-cheap new Corolla, no options. Military bases often have a used-car lot where soldiers heading overseas sell their wheels rather than pay for storing them during a long tour. These cars are well-maintained, occasionally obsessively maintained. Because the military stresses integrity, you will probably–but not definitely–be buying from someone who will be honest with you about any problems the car has.
© Ask your insurance company what people normally do in such a situation, and talk your way up the chain of command there–get a manager to talk with you, or even a manager’s manager. Tally up the insurance you’ve paid on this car and explain that you paid them $SUM to insure that you wouldn’t get the shaft if and when the car was totalled, and now they’re going to give you $SMALLER SUM and walk away? If the difference between the two is larger than the amount you have left to pay on the car, you might be able to get them to pony up a little bit more cash. I don’t hold out a lot of hope for this method: my friend is now stuck making two car payments, but the second one is very small… just like her new (used) car.
(d) Take your wife out to a really nice dinner this weekend, and spend the evening enjoying the blessing that is her company, being thankful that she’s okay.