My wife thinks she has precognition, X-ray vision and a supercalculator brain

Kinda long and rambling, but we’ll get to the point eventually. Grab a brewski and siddown.

Our family is a large and varied one. At certain times, this can be beneficial (getting birthday presents, calculating deductions for income tax purposes), but at other times, it can be a royal pain in the tuckus. Christmas is just such a time.

Now, the missus and I both love Christmas. Truly, a wonderful holiday. However, when we’re forced to purchase presents for the various Minions of Sauron, along with the Parents of Sauron, the In-Laws of Sauron, the Teachers of the Minions of Sauron, the Coworkers of Sauron, the Relatives of Sauron Whom No One Knows and We Suspect Showed Up at the Reunion Just to Get Free Chex-Mix, and various and sundry other folk, it gets to be a significant drain on the Wallet of Sauron. So my lovely wife and I usually set a monetary limit on the Christmas gift(s) we purchase for each other.

It has always been a point of pride for me to exceed this limit in creative ways. For instance, one year I bought some presents and gave them to my lovely wife as though they were from her son, thereby bypassing my spending limit. Another year I used my heretofore hidden Jewish heritage to purchase Chanukah gifts for her (since the spending limit only applied to Christmas presents, you see).

The upshot of all this is my wife has become more wiley than Lucifer when crafting the spending-limit agreement I’m now forced to sign each Thanksgiving. We’re talking a multi-page document, including four different appendices on the definition of “holiday.” I know what you’re thinking, and you’re absolutely right – her lack of faith and overall distrust is quite disturbing. I intend to send her a strongly worded letter as soon as I finish Christmas (or perhaps Kwanzaa) shopping this year.

But matters for this year’s Christmas celebration came to a head Sunday afternoon, when out of the blue my lovely wife ambushes me.

“Don’t think you can get around your spending limit by trying that kids-giving-me-a-gift deal again.”

I am taken aback by this sudden attack, and shocked – shocked – that she would think I would stoop so low.

“Whatever are you talking about, my dearest? My love?”

“Don’t give me that crap. You’ve put two presents under the tree to me from the Minions of Sauron. You’ve already gone over your spending limit, haven’t you?”

Despite this unprovoked frontal assault (which, to make matters worse, occurred at a pivotal moment in the Titans/Texans game), I assemble my formidable wits and prepare a well-nigh unassailable tower of logic and refutation as my opening salvo in this debate: “Umm … no.”

“You do this every freakin’ year, and it always makes me feel like crap. I stick to the amount we set, and you always go over it, and I feel terrible because you always get me this nice stuff and I don’t get you anything like that.”

Obviously my previous verbal thrust and parry has put her off stride, so I repeat the successful tactic: “Umm … no.”

Now we get to my wife’s previously undisplayed superheroine talents.

“I know what those two presents are, and I know how much you spent for them, and that means you’ve almost gone over the limit with those two presents right there, and I know you’re planning to get me something else, so that for sure will put you over the limit, and it always makes me mad when you spend more on me than I do on you. It’s not fair.”

See that? She thinks she can see through the wrapping paper and discern what the gifts actually are. She thinks she knows exactly how much I paid for those gifts. She thinks she knows what I’ll do in the future.

That’s the problem with my lovely wife. She thinks too much.

I feel that she has humiliated herself enough by this point in the debate, and I offer her a solution which, while making it plain that she has lost this round, will still allow her to exit the field of battle gracefully.

“Honey – you’re blocking the TV screen.”

She stomps off, humiliated in defeat. Why does she continue to batter herself against my indomitable will? It saddens me so to see her dash the sea of her dignity against the immovable rocks in my head.

Since I did not want to embarrass her further yesterday, I did not point out some salient truths. However, upon further reflection, there are a few things I want my lovely wife to understand:

[ul]
[li]Just because you think you know what those presents are, doesn’t mean you really know. The shape may resemble the boxed edition of the fourth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD, but many other things come in boxes that exact same shape. Things such as … oh … a jewel-encrusted marital aid.[/li][li]You may think you know how much a jewel-encrusted marital aid costs, but you just might be wrong. I happen to know the guy who oversees the Vatican’s collection of such items, and he has – for want of a better term – a “fire sale” from time to time. [/li][li]You may think it’s highly inappropriate for one of our children to give you a jewel-encrusted marital aid, but he saw you admiring it in one of those catalogs you get on a distressingly frequent basis, and he told me that’s what he wanted to get you for Christmas. I know that he can’t speak in complete sentences yet, but don’t underestimate the special communication bond between a father and son.[/li][li]You may think I’m going over our pre-arranged spending limit this year for Christmas, but in fact … well, okay, that one you got me on.[/li][/ul]
If she’s not careful, this constant suspicion, badgering, and outright insolence is gonna cost her the Boxing Day present I’m getting for her this year.

Ah, they always seem to catch us during a game when they want to yell at us, don’t they?

Congradulations. You’re the first to use the terms “encrusted” and “marital aid” in the same sentence without making me wiggy.

Oh, we know how much our men spend.

Trust me. We have ways of making you talk…and they may even involve the jewel-encrusted marital aids…

Buy her ice cream and admit your fault. Do not stick to your guns. Beyond that lies madness.

Now I’m not really an expert here, but isn’t pretty much anything a husband gives his wife that’s encrusted with jewels a marital aid? Somebody’s gettin’ laid out of the deal, no?

Anyway, I have a similar thing with my best friend. We don’t do pre-set spending limits but I usually start my Christmas shopping sometime around August of the previous year. She says it makes her uncomfortable that I get her so much. Now to me, the obvious solution is for her to buy me more stuff to match me gift-for-gift (and I even helpfully provide a list each year) but that never quite seems to be how it works out. What she never seems to quite get is that I never pay full price for anything I get her so it’s not like in the overall dollar count I’m spending that much more than she spends on me.

The joke’s on her this year though. I’m stumped as to what to get for her and despite having asked several times she has offered no suggestions. We’ll see if she truly likes getting less because so far this year she’s got nothing from me under her tree.

I would kill to be the star on top of you and Aries28’s Christmas tree just for one night. It’d probably be the most entertaining night of my life.

Mr. avabeth and I are celebrating our first true Christmas as a couple (we were just starting out last year, and I’ll be joining his family for their family Christmas and meeting all the relatives - I know and adore his parents already). We haven’t set any sort of limit, but since we’re not good at following those anyway, I’m not sure what’s in store for me. I still have a few goodies to hunt down for him, so we’ll see. We aren’t good at following limits, though - so we didn’t set any this year.

Ava

Simply point out that these gifts were purchsed far, far, far in the past, and that therefore were purchased in, say, 1848 dollars. Therefore, the purchase price should not be counted against any current agreement.

What? You say DVD technology was not perfected then? Well, any temporal anomoly should not be held against a man who was thinking of this excuse during an active football game. Besides, tame time warps happen all the time. You don’t think I have this gray hair naturally, do you?

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Sauron *
**[list]
[li]Just because you think you know what those presents are, doesn’t mean you really know. The shape may resemble the boxed edition of the fourth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD, but many other things come in boxes that exact same shape. Things such as … oh … a jewel-encrusted marital aid. **[/li][/QUOTE]
Damn straight. It could be Angel Season 1, 2 or 3. Or Firefly. Or Kids In the Hall First Season.

Shows how much she knows.

Does that third person stuff freak anyone else out?

The FOURTH season? You got the FOURTH season? We already have THAT one! Geez. :wink:

And I highly doubt you purchased any kind of jewel encrusted marital aid since you were threatened by the last marital aid I purchased. Thank heavens you overcame that sooner or later. :smiley:

Dear, sweet avabeth our house is not very entertaining at all…you would be sorely disappointed. Usually late at night we lie in bed together in the dark and I whisper, “So, did you see anything interesting on the board today?” Then he tells me what threads he noticed during the day and I tell him the ones I found amusing. We live a crazy life let me tell you.

The really bad thing is that he already knows what I bought him for Christmas…a new dressy type watch. I had to show it to him to make sure I got the right one and that he liked it. Buying any kind of jewelry for him is just next to impossible.

He has been blathering on forever about some Ring he wanted but I looked and looked and couldn’t find what he described to me.

I KNEW he was up to something. Now I have to go to the mall and find something good…damn Christmas.

[Family Guy]“Diamonds. She pretty much has to.”[/FG]

Viewing that episode led my husband and I to snicker madly at diamond commercials.

Now see what you’ve done? You’ve upset Aries!

Come on, sweetie. Let’s take his credit card and hit Pottery Barn…

[Blue Collar Comedy Tour]"Diamonds. That’ll shut her up.[/BCCT]

I heard the Hobbiton Mall has some interesting specimens.

Hey, if you’ve already got the fourth season, can I have them? I was a good little girl this year!

And I’m very disappointed about the house:(. There goes another bubble burst.

Next thing I know, you’ll be telling me Michael Jackson doesn’t just like playing with toys.

Ava

Ohhh, you’re good. Wait a minute while I write that one down.

No we don’t. Do we? We just have seasons one through three … right? Please tell me I’m right. The … uh … the Vatican has a fairly strict return policy.

Oh yeah? What about the whipped-cream moose rides? Huh? And the Licorice and the Adjustable Wrench game? Huh? What about that?

No, but the scope of his Christmas list gives me the heebie-jeebies.

We have a similar issue, with a different twist…Mr. 'Rosa doesn’t need a darn thing. What he wants he buys himself. So I’m left looking for things for a man who buys himself presents, who works in the industry that is is hobby and therefore gets cheap or free computer games and movies. And who has a “relationship” with the sales people at Nordstrom (who call him up with “Mr. 'Rosa, Kenneth Cole just came out with new shoes that I think would look great on you.”)

I, on the otherhand, am so cheap that I won’t buy myself new underwear unless the elastic is so shot it won’t stay over my butt…so my Christmas list is always a mile long (and my husband usually buys me stuff he wants. Computer games, movies…and after Christmas my underwear still threatens to drape round my knees. He has gotten better - he’s figured out my taste in jewelry and the ease of calling the salon and setting me up with a spa day.)

So I get him to give me a Christmas list. “Well, honey, you can buy me the new Neverwinter Nights expansion. It just came out and I haven’t bought it yet so someone can give it to me for Christmas.”

So I run out and buy it… and guess what he walks into the door with last night. I might have to kill him.

(For his birthday I ended up buying myself lingere. He gets far more enjoyment out of matching bra and panty sets than I do. Besides, now I have several pairs of underwear that don’t threaten to fall down, and a few bras where the underwire has not reached the end of its lifespan and is threatening to break and poke out someone’s eye.)

I would think hanging out at his house would be fairly painful, what with the intense burning and fear every time his Eye was upon you.

And, dude, I’ve seen the movie. You guys never clean.

So you got diamonds?