We, meaning those of us who refer to ourselves as the BostonDopers, have adopted an aardvark as our group mascot (at least, in my twisted little mind, we have). However, the poor little guy has no name, as yet. This is unacceptable. It’s offensive to the dignity of this magnificent creature. Can you imagine addressing such an awesome being as “Yo! Aardvark!”? Of course not! It’s absurd to even contemplate.
So, we need to figure out what his name is. I’ve asked, but what with the long snout and tongue not being ideally designed for speech (his, not mine!), however elegant it may appear, and the Afrikaans accent, I’m not sure I understand a lot of what he says. (I’m working on it. Mostly he seems to mumble about ants and termites.)
So, I turn to you for help in determining a suitably snazzy, yet dignified, name for our honored guest. Arthur wouldn’t have been too bad; oodles of dignity, and a connection to a cool legend. But, it’s already taken, by that cartoon freak. (An aardvark with no nose?!? What the heck were they thinking?) Aaron has been suggested (thanks, tanookie!) but, while dignified, and suitably endowed with A’s, it lacks something in the pizzazz department.
Therefore, it is my privilege (because I thought of it, and I have too little to do at work) to announce the Name the Aardvark Contest! Open to all Dopers, this is a rare opportunity to pit your creativity, knowledge, class, and flattery and bribery skills against a world-class group of competitors for the coveted title of…umm…[sub]Aardvark Name Thinker-Upper? Critter Creativity-something? Miss Universe? Ah![/sub]…Honorary Advisor to the Aardvark! OOooohs are heard from the audience
All suggestions (for names for the aardvark, not places I should go, anatomically impossible things I should do to myself, or medications I should try) are welcome and will be given due consideration. (Now that I think about it, the other type of suggestions will also receive their due.)
Prizes will be awarded for the usual categories; Most Creative, Most Beautiful, Miss Congeniality, Honorable Mention, Dishonorable Discharge (How’d that one get in here? It sounds like a Victorian euphemism for a social disease.) (It’s not, is it?), etc. Probably a few unusual categories, as well. By entering, all contestants acknowledge that all decisions of the judge (that’s me) are wise, arbitrary, and final (subject to late-arriving bribes of greater value).
Note: Employees of Al’s Aardvarks and Auto Alignments, and their relatives, are ineligible. The title of Official Advisor to the Aardvark remains the property of the contest organizer.