Nasty junk faxes (a.k.a. Computers Across America is just plain evil)

The BBQ Pit
1

You’d think these things would stop after the FCC fined fax.com $5.4 million for sending unsolicted commercial faxes. Hell, you’d think this company wouldn’t even exist, since their sole purpose is providing a service (companies pay them to send spam faxes) that has been illegal since 1991. Last year, a class action suit cost Hooters restaurants $11.9 million for sending advertisements to thousands of Georgia fax machines.

But no, they haven’t stopped. Not at my workplace anyway. I haven’t asked my boss who works during the day how many he gets, but I’ve gotten at least five more of them on the night shift just since the fine was levied on Wednesday. One hawked investment opportunities (we get that one frequently), another was peddling Colonial Williamsburg vacation deals, but the worst one, the one that spawned this post, was from a slimy company called Computers Across America, whose bold, altruistic vision, according to the fax is “to place computers in every household in America” because “As you might already know there are an alarming number of households that do not own computers.”

It goes on to say that “These PCs are being offered to (name of the company I work for) employees at more than 50% off suggested retail price.” (Bolding is mine, for emphasis) Near the bottom page it claimed the retail price to be $894 and their price to be $467. Hmm. I guess this advertisement is aimed at people who aren’t too good at math.

So what do you get for $467? A “limited supply top of the line BRAND NEW computer with the lastest Intel Technology at an UNBELIEVABLE price.” (Bolding and caps are theirs.) According to the side panel that shows the specs, it’s a "900 MHZ(sic) Intel Processors(sic).
Um, the new Pentiums are up to 2.53GHz. Not only that, but, according to Intel’s site, they never made a 900MHz Pentium III. This thing is a fucking Celeron! Latest Intel technology?! No Celeron processor was ever the latest technology! They were designed to be slower than their Pentium relatives by cutting the amount of L2 cache in half to reduce production costs.

It also says that “all computers” come with “the latest Windows technology,” namely Windows 98 SE. I don’t know where to begin describing how wrong that statement is. Even they know it’s wrong. On the side panel it says you can upgrade to XP,ME(sic),or 2000. If you can upgrade it, doesn’t that kinda mean that maybe “all computers” don’t come with “the latest Windows technology?”

It also boasts a 20GB hard drive, a whopping 128MB SDRAM, and a “32 bit soundcard and video card.” Oh, and also a “FREE CD BURNER,” though I’m not sure what exactly is free about it, since it’s part of the system, part of the price, and I don’t see any regular CD-ROM listed in the specs. It comes with no monitor. No USB ports, either, or they probably would have listed them(they listed the keyboard and the floppy drive, for crying out loud). Or maybe it has ports, but they simply don’t know what USB is. It claims to be “Network and Internet Ready,” so I assume they mean it comes with a NIC and a modem, but who knows with these yahoos?

Worried about your computer breaking? Don’t be. “All computers come with the Computers Across America Satisfaction Guarantee and 14 day money back guarantee.” (Bolding theirs.) So, uh, what exactly is the different between these two guarantees? And 14 DAYS??!!! It’ll take half that long to ship it. I guess they’re just hoping any idiot who would buy this piece of shit wouldn’t run into a person who actually knows something about computers within the first week that he had his new system.

So how good of a deal is this? On pricewatch.com, I was able to find a new computer with all the same specs, except it had a CD-ROM instead of a burner, but it came with XP instead of '98. Plus, it had 2 USB ports. That more than evens it out. Price? $307. Plus $45 shipping makes $357.

The shady Computers Across America spam didn’t mention anything about shipping charges, so that means they probably hit you with that when you call to order. Otherwise, I’m sure it would say FREE SHIPPING in bold, 16-point letters. Assuming they don’t totally ream you on the shipping and it’s the same as the Pricewatch merchant, that would make the total cost $512.

But you’d better hurry if you want to get in on this great deal. According to the fax, only orders placed before Monday, August 12th qualify.

The worst part is the bald-faced lie of a disclaimer in tiny print at the botton of the page claiming that “This fax is never sent unsolicited someone at your location either requested this information or was contacted by a Computers Across America agent and received permission to send the following information.” Christ, if you’re going to lie, at least proofread your lie first! Shouldn’t the word “someone” begin a second sentence?

There are only two other people who ever answer phones at my office, and I very seriously doubt that they would have requested this fax or authorized it. They don’t even like computers. I’ll ask them tomorrow for the hell of it, but I’ve seen similar disclaimers on many other spam faxes.

I don’t have much more to add. This pathetic shit pretty much speaks for itself. I do wonder, though, if there’s any place to report scum like this. The FCC? Or maybe the company’s state’s Attorney General’s office? Hmm.

2

An excellent manifesto, my stellar friend. But, really, it’s so nice of Computers Across America to perform this service! Why, I myself have been feeling alarmed recently over the number of households that do not own computers. It really is a crime. What would we do without generous companies like Computers Across America to help us out? We’d still be in the stone age!

Gah. Bloody, bloody unsolicited faxes. In my office we get them all the time. It is an incredible nuisance, especially since I work in a hospital. If I’m waiting for an urgent MRI report to be faxed to us, chances are I’m not going to look at the Dream Vacation ad that arrives instead favorably. I’m imagining myself standing by the fax machine, frowning anxiously, at the humming and beeping, and hoping the report I requested is on the way. Instead, what arrives is something riddled with italics and bold print, and offering me the Chance of a Lifetime. I feel like I’m expected to clutch the printout thankfully and run right out of the office to take advantage of their Limited Offer. That would pretty much suck for the patient. Our fax machine has better things to do than print out this spam crap. Grrrr! GRRRR!!
Whew. I’m glad to have that off my chest. And all thanks to you, Neuton.

Cheers!

3

The law on unsolicited faxes is much more rigorous than the one on telemarketing phonecalls and the fines are pretty high. I suggest you follow the suggestions here

Good luck!

4

Solution: Most fax machines print as overhead the number from which the fax originated. Get a jet-black piece of paper, and in teeny white letters, print the following: Do not sent junk mail to this number.

5

Good start, but you forgot the rest of the instructions: wait for the beginning of the page to feed through the fax machine, then quickly tape it to the other end of the paper, creating an endless loop.

Schedule this activity for a time when their offices are probably closed for the evening, to prevent interruption.

Repeat as necessary.

6

Ooooooooooooo! I like it, I like it!

7

Nice idea, but their fax number didn’t show up. My company’s fax machine usually does print the phone number of the sender at the top of the page, but not in this case. I even ran a journal report from the fax machine (listing every fax send and received for the day, and all the phone numbers.) This spam fax, as do most, came up blank under the sender’s phone number.

I assume, though, that their website would have a fax number, though it would be impossible to know if that was the particular machine that faxed me. Maybe they hired a company like fax.com to send this. Not that it really matters, I guess. They’re still evil.

I wonder if that stupid disclaimer at the bottom would absolve them of anything or if it’s no more effective than a disclaimer on a pirated software site?

8

There’s a lady at work who gives my girlfriend all her old “1001 Things You Never Knew Existed”-type catalogs. I enjoy reading the electronics ones occasionally, just to spot the obvious overpriced crap that nobody in their right mind would buy.

I believe one from May 2002 listed a “Complete Computer System” with like a P2-200, 16 megs, and a 6 gig HD for something like $350, plus shipping. On the cover of the catalog. For fuck’s sake… any idiot with half a brain could probably wangle a system like that for under fifty bucks, if not for free, with a little bit of effort and a couple of weeks worth of classified ads.

The sad thing is, they wouldn’t be selling it if somebody wasn’t buying it.

I’ve got an APPLE COMPATIBLE! LASER 128EX! 128k OF RAM! 16 COLOR MONITOR! FREE dot matrix PRINTER! that I’m willing to let go for the low low price of only $200, plus s&h, for anybody who’s stupid.