Okay, seeing as how we are now two, count 'em, two full games into the 2001-02 NBA season, I thought that it might be a good time to share my infinite wisdom with the rest of the basketball fans on the board.
Last Year, I showed off my remarkable ability to be almost entirely wrong and so in honor of my uncanny innacuracy, I thought I would devote my predictions this year to jinxing the teams that I dislike. Thusly, live from Bizarro world, JDeMobray’s NBA picks and pans:
THE WEST (or The Only Conference that Matters)
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Look for the Lakers to once again steamroll all competition, earning home court throughout the playoffs and finally competing their dream sweep en route to winning their third consecutive title. All hail Shaq. All hail Kobe. Nobody is injured for even a single game, and a weary nation is healed by the goodness.
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Renewed dominance from the Utah Jazz delights and astounds NBA fans worldwide. John Stockton continues his trend of playing excellent, not cheap at all, defense and standing up to punishment like a man. Karl Malone hauls in a 30/15 performance every night, and is a serious MVP candidate. Young up and comers John Starks, Greg Ostertag and John Ameichi provide instant energy off the bench and the Jazz take the Lakers to four in the NBA finals. Oh, I guess that’s just the NBA Western Conference finals. Sorry, honest mistake.
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Coming off the Jason Kidd - Stephon Marbury trade, the Phoenix suns struggle all year to find their new identity. Injuries plauge Tom Gugliotta and Penny Hardaway who play in a combined 3.5 total games during the season. In the first round of the playoffs, the Suns are overwhelmed by the glorious and skilled Shaquille O’Neal, who takes time out of his busy schedule of healing the sick and drafting Middle East peace agreements to score 55 points a game. After the season, Jake Tsakalidis and Shawn Marion both bolt for the greener pastures of Pat Riley’s Miami Heat.
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The Dallas Mavericks, foolishly overconfident following their first trip to the second round of the playoffs in approximately 200,000 years, slack off all season. The fans are bored by the Mavericks slow paced, half court game revolving around Don Nelson’s “quadrangle offense.” Dirk Nowitzki shows that last year was a fluke, putting fans to sleep with his half-hearted defense and ugly jump shot. Michael Finley, having signed a massive contract extension during the offseason, decides for the Shawn Kemp route to glory and can often be found ordering pizza from the bench during the second quarter. Newly signed Tim Hardaway provides zero leadership for the team, and his three point accuracy disappears, he retires soon after the season ends.
THE EAST (‘We’r still here, really!’)
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The New York Knicks continue the dominating trend of the past few seasons. The television contract for the 2002-03 season includes every single one of the always exciting Knicks’ 82 games, with an option to pre-empt certain other playoff teams should the Knicks somehow fail to qualify. But how could they now, scoring some nights in the high 60’s or even, on one magical night in april, 71 points in a single game. The fact that the Knicks roster is comprised entirely of shooting guards never causes them any problems, and Marcus Camby proves once and for all that he is a tough, physical player capable of holding his own with any of the centers in the league.
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The Washington Wizards, led by a rejuvenated Michael Jordan, are the Knicks only significant threat for the honor of being crushed by the lakers. The 38-year old Jordan shows he is one of the few players still in the league capable of selling shoes, french fries, underwear and horrible long distance calling plans. Jordan, still untouchable, leads a cast of talented young players like . . . well Chritian Latener is on the team, right? The other teams in the league, awed by the returned greatnes of ‘His Airness’ often pack up in the third quarter and go home rather than playing the full game and possibly exposing Jordans 38-year old legs. NBA replaces their sunday triple header with a full four hours of pregame for the now-weekly Knicks-Wizards match up, hosted by Marv Albert, Bob Costas, and Bill Walton.
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Toronto fades away into the Canadian North this season, as Vince Carter never quite has that one break-out year that he needs to become a true superstar. Hakeem Olajuwon shows himself to be unable or unwilling to take any pressure off Antonio Davis, and quietly limps along in the ‘token veteran’ role for the entire season. Morris Peterson never quite puts it all together, giving an inconsistent and the Raptors are quietly swept under the carpet during the first round of the playoffs.
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The Milwaukee Bucks, well what do I need to say about them. Just repeat all my awesomely prescient comments from last year, adding a couple of extra "HA"s and noting that there is no chance whatsoever that they could challenge any West Coast team, let alone the Lakers. Ray Allen will almost certainly never compete for the MVP trophy, and his best years all pretty much behind him.
Well, there you have it. Me hate basketball. Me Hate it so much, Me want to watch it all the time.