Well, is been a tough week. Dad passed away two days ago. My mother who is 77 has mild to moderate dementia. However, since Dad’s passing it has gone into overdrive. The biggest symptom is her repeating the same thing, usually a question, over and over. I live out of state, another sibling lives close, but I’m up here for a couple of weeks. Any advice on how to deal with this. I’m not frustrated or anything, I just haven’t been exposed to this before and I’m not sure what to do. I don’t mention that she is stuck in a loop, but should I?
I’m trying to get her to move down with me and my wife so I can take care of her, but she says she doesn’t want to leave the place where Dad is buried.
My heart is breaking, for the kids of my Father and to see my mother devastated while battling this disease. I want to do what’s best for her, but I truly don’t know what that is. Any advice would be helpful.
No advice, much. Except she may get to the point where she doesn’t remember that your dad is gone, and that could be difficult. That being said, I’m so sorry for your loss, with the added situation of your mom. Praying for you my friend.
rough. is she in a managed care facility? She needs to be in one as soon as possible, which I know is heartwrenching. Unless you can have her move in with you, and you have someone who is able to be home with her most of the time. [my brother was taking care of my mom until she almost burnt the house down forgetting a pot on the stove. Thankfully Danny was home. And it wasn’t a case of just leaving her sandwiches for lunch until he got home from work, she was so accustomed to housekeeping that she wanted to continue cooking.
There is a reason mrAru and I have agreed that if I get diagnosed with any form of dementia, before my mind is gone, I am offing myself, I will NOT put my husband through what we had with my mom. The only blessing was she did remember dad passing so she wasn’t always asking where he was. Be warned that managed care is very expensive, as in $10 000 a month for mom, she had a very reputable and good from my observation care there.
I’m sorry you and your mother are going through this.
First, some questions: has she been diagnosed by a neurologist, and if so, how advanced is her dementia? Can she bathe herself? Does she need reminders and guidance to do so?
Also, does she live alone? She’s not still driving, is she?
And do you have power of attorney? (If you don’t, get this ASAP.)
Unless she’s wealthy, she won’t be able to afford a care facility. She will have to spend her own money and then go on Medicaid. Find a good eldercare attorney! They’re worth their weight in gold.
No, don’t mention that she’s stuck in a loop. She can’t recognize that she is, so it won’t help to point it out and may frustrate her. If you can, distract her. Suggest you and she go out to see if the fuchsia has flowered yet. Play some music from her youth, which has been shown to perk up dementia patients.
Finally, contact the local Council on Aging. They have excellent resources and are very knowledgeable.
We are going thru this with my FIL (and MIL is not far behind). I am sorry to tell you it wont get better, only worse. It’s only a matter of how fast things go downhill. My FIL no longer knows any family or friend - I said goodbye to him a few years ago - the man I knew no longer exists, but his presence is still there, as a shell. I don’t know what to offer, other than keep seeing and talking to her as long as she recognizes you, and probably after that, if it makes you feel any better.
Anyway, I agree with POA and legal advice, as well as gaining access to (and control of) her finances. She will reach a point where she will not be able to manage money, and will be ripe for a scam. If she uses a computer that is another thing you may want to monitor closely - pop-up scams are abundant, as well as thru email. My MIL is constantly clicking on stuff she shouldn’t - we have averted anything serious, for now.
Get help for her one way or another, and I advise against taking her into your own home - the level of care will only escalate, and from what I have seen with friends of ours who did this, it really strained their marriage. A senior care facility may be the best, and safest, option for her at some point.
Lastly, just knowing you are not the only one having to go thru this may offer some comfort.
Please think VERY LONG AND HARD about having her move in with you. Caring for an aged person with dementia can be much worse than caring for an unruly child. I assume you have generally positive feelings for your mother, but are you eager to throw away the next several years of your and your wife’s lives?