Need Advice: (long) Friend thinks I complained to her boss

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

… and I have no idea how to fix it.

So about three weeks ago, I called my friend at her work about sourcing some supplies for my own flightly client. Since she was going to a trade show, she’d said she’d look for even better stuff. Never heard from her again.

This is not odd, really. She does this to me a lot. She has health issues that affect her emotional stability. As a result she acts like a good friend, then suddenly shuts me out for weeks or months a time. Normal for her and I’ve learned not to take it personally.

So two weeks later, I send a simple reminder e-mail that said: “Just following-up, it’s been awhile since the trade show and we want to be sure you didn’t forget about us.”

Nothing. So going into the third week of not hearing a single word, e-mail, nothing (wasn’t answering at home either), my client is getting a little ansy. So I call my friend at work, but she isn’t in. Bummer.

So I talk to her boss – general chit-chat – my friend had been helping, but I hadn’t heard back (that pesky worm was going around wreaking havoc on the internet and our e-mail was affected) so I was double-checking to make sure there was no communication break down.

Her boss was pretty cool and helpful too (my client’s been thinking of a much more expensive supplier and he had a better idea.) We still have huge amounts of time, and I told her boss that. It was no big deal, just wanted to make sure we didn’t get lost. No worries.

Today I called for more info – my friend yelled at me! Said I’d complained to her boss and she got in trouble etc. She’s now refusing to do business with me and hung up on me.

WTF?

Due to bad treatment from other people and her emotional precariousness, I think she assumes, without just cause, that I would do something schmucky like complain to her boss for no reason.

There’s no logic to it. She’s my friend and I have no reason to harm her. I have nothing to gain from stabbing her in the back. I was shocked and quite taken aback whe she went off at me.

Also, thinking logically, as a rep for my SO’s company I would never be so stupid as to do anything that would make my SO’s company look bad. Using my SO’s company for the passive-aggressive weirdness I’m being accused of is just not acceptable and there is just no way I would do anything like that. I represent my SO’s company, therefore I represent my SO. No way I’d be so schmucky.

Now, some extra background:

  1. She’s had serious health issues that can dramatically affect her emotions. She can become so emotionally charged, that her reason is compromised. So it may be that she is extremely emotionally reactive and genuinely feels that I have seriously betrayed her.

  2. Due to aforementioned health issues (which are beyond her control), I’ve started to suspect that the reason she blows up at me has more to do with lashing out at someone (and I’m a handy target). So lash out first, rationalize later.

So, Dopers. How do I fix this?

I’ve reviewed all the correspondence, and I swear on my box of Crayolas, I did not do anything wrong.

I felt so bad, I left my office for the day. But I checked, double-checked, and then checked again – I didn’t do anything that would have led her to get in trouble.

I have no idea if her boss actually seriously dumped on her, or if she just interpreted things badly due to her emotionally reactive state.

I can send a note to her boss, to reassure him that she’s been helpful above and beyond the call of duty (and she truthfully has been), but I don’t want to make things worse. I don’t want him to know that she hung up on me and refused a potentially lucrative deal, or say anything that might imply she was anything less that professional and cordial.

She’s blown up at me before, but not like this. I sent her a gentle e-mail to calmly point out that she should know I wouldn’t deliberately get her in doo-doo, but I’m quite sure she’s deleting the messages unread.

So, what to do? What to do?

2

Sounds to me, that you are correct that she is having one of her “trying times”. I say that because it seems foremost on your mind; sounds like your good intuition.

I’d hide and watch for a little while. It surely seems as tho she needs a friend like you, who has stuck with her thru the emotional roller-coaster. I’d like to thank you for that (since she might not be able to :wink: ).

My sister has severe emotional problems and this is typical of her behavior.

Also: what does Sniffs_Markers think?

3

I had Sniff’s pick me up from work because I felt like crap. But she had her step-dad with her, so I wasn’t able to explain why I looked like I was just kicked in the gut. (Actually she looked worried like I’m about to tell her that I need a new spleen.)

I’m going to talk to her soon and get her opinion.

The dilemma remains though. When you are emotionally whigged out, it’s easy to convince yourself that something terrible has happened. My friend was so mad that I’m worried this time she’ll shut me out for good. (And yet she complains that people bail on her :rolleyes: )

Part II of the dilemma – we paid my friend’s company to do some work for us. So they have stuff that belongs to us. If she truly isn’t getting over it or won’t do business with us, then I need that stuff back. That will get her in shit because then her boss will find out that she lost not one, but two clients. So my choice is to eat the cost in order to actually keep her from getting in doo-doo.

sigh I hope Sniffs_Markers has an idea. No matter what, our company tries to be diplomatic and PR conscious. (We even try to be nice to telemarketers.) Somehow I’m going to have to make sure things are cool with her boss, both for the sake of my friend and because I do have to ensure that our company’s rep is good with him too.

4

I’m sorry to be the one to point this out, but…

If she’s refusing to work with you & you’ve done nothing wrong, shouldn’t you be pointing her irrational behavior to her boss so she can get some help? It’s not your job to cost your SO’s company or her boss’s company money because she hasn’t found an appropriate way to deal with her emotional issues yet.

5

That didn’t come out quite right. I’m assuming her health problems are known to her employers (if only for insurnace reasons). By pointing out her behavior, perhaps some solutions can be suggested (medication or therapy) that would help her deal with her problem. Or perhaps they could move her to a position that would require less contact with the customer (and therefore less stress).

6

No worries. I knew what you meant.

I have no idea how much they may or may not know and it’s not my place to divulge it. She has a serious physical ailment, but not one that would affect her work (for the sake of analogy, let’s pretend it’s a kidney disorder that occasionally flares up to be serious). She may have a psychiatric disorder. I’ve known her 10 years and it’s pretty obvious to me, but it’s one of those things where you can’t force someone to get help until they recognize they have a problem and decide that they need help.

I can guarantee she would never have done that with any other customer. Nor would she have become unhinged if a “regular customer” had honestly flipped out and ratted her out to her boss.

I think it was just me. Kind of like the way you can only get really, really mad at those who love you enough to forgive you.

What makes me feel like total crap is that… if you are emotionally wrecked for no reason if it is entirely a product of body chemistry – either misfiring brain chemistry or crazy hormones – you tend to “create” a reason. You are upset, so you ask yourself “Why am I upset? There must be a reason why I am upset. So reason could there be?” and then you assign a “reason” to your pain.

In her case she seems to be thinking “Why am I upset?.. It must be Crayons’s fault! Rahr! Hulk will smash!”

I’m only worried that she’s got herself really convinced and will hold it against me for good this time.

I talked to Sniffs_Markers. Her advice was the same as Ninety’s: “Let her be really mad for awhile. Then send her a note, just to be sure she’s okay.” We’re both have our share of legitimately crazy friends, so we’re getting used to dealing with it.

Whether or not she ever “forgives” me or realizes that I’m innocent, will remain to be seen. My friend doesn’t have a say in her company’s business. If they get a repeat order from us, then either they’ll do it, or she’ll be explaining to her boss why they are refusing our money. The business shouldn’t actually be affected.

I just wish I didn’t feel so bad.

7

And I really, really do feel bad. One part outrage at being falsely accused, two parts misery from being yelled at by someone I love, three parts trauma at the thought of losing a friend. Add a pinch of pepper, stir on low heat and serve with a side order of this-sucks.

Pity party for Crayons! :frowning:

8

I hate to sound callous, but you have nothing to apologize for. So don’t. Either this person will come to realize that they were irrational and apologize, or they won’t. If they don’t within a reasonable amount of time, send a short e-mail requesting the stuff that belongs to your other client. If she ignores that e, or deletes it unread, follow up with her boss. Whether she is emotionally over-wrought isn’t the issue - she wouldn’t treat another customer that way, so she’s obviously able to control herself. Let her exert a little control in her behaviour toward you. You have no reason to allow her to treat you like crap.

StG

9

Thanks, StG. That’s what I’m sure to do. Cautiously.

But do note: I’m not going to apologize. That will only support her “temporarily insane” assertion that “it’s all my fault” and that would not be helpful to her.

Sniffs_markers would certainly not tell me to apologize, she recommeded that I sent her a note asking her if she’s okay. (Not an apology.)

I think she is really having a rough spot and just lashed out in a way that she knew was “safe.” She can control herself with other clients, but if you really, really have to lose it, better to go apeshit on someone who won’t get you fired. How ironic that that’s what she was acusing me of.

Now that the shock is wearing off, I’m mostly worried about her.

10

You are a good friend. I think it’s hard to try to do that, without having your toes stepped on in situations just like this. Check on her in a few days. I hope things get better … BUT it would be a good thing if she would work on her “ism”. 'Course you can’t make her go. Tell Sniffs to give ya a big hug for me. :slight_smile:

11

Thanks.

12

I once had a teacher/friend who, due to an illness, was put on a medication which caused mood swings much like you’re describing. He went from being a pleasant, funny, good-natured fellow to a total asshole whom no one stand. It was not his fault, and so I never shut him out of my life, but it was trying at times. Once he was convinced to change his medication, his “old self” returned. Your friend could have a similar problem.

I suggest you send her a card, saying that you’re sorry she’s upset, and that you value her friendship and hope that you can get back to the way things used to be. Tell her you miss her, and that you’re hoping she’ll call. You’re not apologizing for anything you didn’t do-- just that you’re sorry she’s angry.

Getting defensive and pointing out that you did nothing wrong can serve to exagerate the situation. Most likely, she realizes this, deep down, and if you argue your side, it will only make her feel worse, and chances are, she’ll continue to lash out.

I do not suggest demanding your stuff back. It will only increase any hostility she’s feeling. Wait until things have cooled down. Asking for your property returned in the midst of a fight is sort of confirming the end of the friendship, much like dividing property in a divorce.

Once things are smoothed over and back to normal, you can casually bring up the subject of your supposed betrayal. Again, avoid being accusitory. Just mention how strongly you believe in loyalty, and that you would never stab a friend in the back.

13

I have a plan! Once I recovered from the initial shock, it wasn’t so bad. I do PR for a living. I’ve had famous people scream at me and I didn’t bat an eye. So looking at is as I would from a professional point of view, I figured I’d do the following.

Once she’s calmed down, I’ll send her two things:

  1. A short note expressing hat I’m concerned about her. I’m sorry she’s upset, but “I didn’t do it and you know that”. My SO suggested I include, in point form if necessary, straightforward facts such as “You’re my friend. I have no motive to hurt you.” etc. And to keep it without anything emotional at all. Nothing reactive, no blame assigned to anyone at all. * Straight facts only*.

  2. I will draft, on company letterhead, a standard note to her boss that does the whole “It has come to my attention that there may have breen a misunderstanding” and I will truthfully explain that she has been exceptionally helpful to us. I will give this letter to my friend in an unsealed envelope, so she may read it and she gets to decide what to do.

I’ve drafted my fair share of “diffuse the mad person” letters and it will be expertly crafted so no one looks like the bad guy. It’ll be “positive” all around.

The ball will be in her court – she can read it and make her own decision. If she honest to God, thinks I sullied her good name professionally, she can give him the letter. If she realizes that she flipped out for no reason and will just dig herself in deeper, then she can destroy it. The note will admit no fault from our end ('cause no one here did anything), but it will acknowledge that there was some kind of misunderstanding, and she’s been excellent with us (all quite true).

That way there is no risk of me getting her in deeper doo-doo, she can make the decision on her own. She will have a way of exonerating herself if, in fact, her boss did giver her a hard time (I doubt that’s the case, but hey, whatever.) And she can destroy it if she realizes that she blew a gasket for no reason.

At worst, it will make me look like a bit of a putz.

We won’t do business with them again (we’re not going to tell them that), because there is too much of a risk. It’s just a matter of time before she gets mad at me again. We can find a way around the stuff of ours they’ve got (it may mean pulling a few favours, but no big deal).

This is the only solution I can think of that will suit all parties involved. It will give her an opportunity to come to her senses, but give her a practical solution if she does, in fact, need one. So everyone is happy (if slightly annoyed.) We won’t look bad, she won’t look bad, and her boss will hear nothing but complimentary stuff.

Happiness all around.

14

Oh, I now that well. I can not argue with her because if I do the well it’ll one of those “lady doth protest too much” scenarios. We’re just letting her have her tanturm and then letting it go. It doesn’t have anything to do with us, really.

Our other supplier is great. We did a quick assessment and we think we can work around it relatively painlessly if that’s necessary. So we won’t need to get our specs back if it comes down to that. (Phew!)

We’ll just let it drop. Chances are, she’ll realise she went way over the top and will just wish it never happened. So on a personal level, I’m just going to consider it a weird aberration and let it go. Save her the embarassment. I think I’ve recovered from my shock to be more objective about it. That wasn’t her, it was some weirdo mood fluctuation that made her Ms. Loony Tunes. She’ll get over it and I’m not holding it against her.

I just hope she doesn’t let it build up in her head so that she’s mad at me forever. It can be hard to come to terms with the fact that you blew a gasket for no reason. She may hold on to it to justify it for her own comfort. That would be a sad end to a long (if temultuous) friendship.