Need help dealing with someone in emotional crisis

In My Humble Opinion
1

Not a relative or even a friend, really, but someone I work with in a volunteer setting. We work together on two committees. He recently had some big disappointments regarding attempts to get into graduate school, and since then his behavior in meetings has been very difficult for me to deal with.

The symptoms seem to consist mainly of insisting on talking at the expense of everyone else’s opportunity to speak, and much of what he says is illogical and rambling. No-one likes it but no-one seems to be willing to confront him and he just talks over anyone’s regular, mild-mannered protest. I have been in three meetings with him since this started, he exhibited these symptoms in the first and the third, in the second he seemed closer to normal. There is another meeting tomorrow.

I suspect he is self-medicating, but I know next to nothing about substance abuse and what to do about it. It seems to me the only thing I can control is myself, and so I am strongly considering just leaving the next meeting in which he exhibits this behavior, explaining it to the others if he won’t listen, until he is able to bring himself under control.

One reason this is not an optimal solution is that, although this is volunteer work, it is in a semi-legal setting, we have deadlines for work we are supposed to get done, and we are already short-handed. We are in danger of wasting the time and effort we have put in so far if he is allowed to continue this way, but there is no-one able or willing to exercise any authority over the situation, however that might be done. I think everyone is hoping that he will just get over it by himself and return to normal. For myself, I’m not willing to waste very much more of my time just waiting for him to get better.

So if you have any experience dealing with this kind of behavior, whether substance-inspired or not, please help me figure out what to do. If nothing else, I need to keep myself from exploding from frustration, and doing or saying things I will regret.

2

By the way, note the time of my OP. I am now losing sleep over the prospect of tomorrow’s meeting, which is one of the main reasons why I need to figure out a way to deal with this situation, at least for myself.

3

Find someone willing to exercise authority. It cannot be true that no one has any, you just need to motivate them to intervene.

Send two texts, one to the problem guy and one to the person unwilling to step up and exercise authority. Make a lot of overtures about understanding how difficult a time it is for problem guy, and then apologize for your personal failing of being unable to work in this environment. Now explain you’re not trying to be difficult, but feel you should excuse yourself, you can’t handle this stress, etc, etc. If the meeting again devolves into trouble guy talking over everyone else, you’re leaving and not returning until something changes. With sincere apologies, but you have limits, and won’t continue in this environment.

Then do it. Without a fuss, get up from the meeting and simply say, “Something has come up, I must leave, sorry!”, and go. Problem boy will know why you’re exiting. And whomever should be addressing this, will too, when they hear of your actions. See if that doesn’t produce the change you’re seeking. In his behaviour or in someone speaking up to problem boy.

If it will upset things to lose him from the mix, at this time, it will be more so, to lose you, I should think.

Good Luck!

4

Ideally this is handled by the committee chair, and this would be two problems, one that a member seems to be on drugs or off his drugs, whichever, and two, that another member is fed up with it and ready to walk. It is not out of bounds to require that a member shut up and listen to others and move the process forward (all put in a nicer way) under the threat of being asked to leave. So the recommendation to find or create some authority to make this happen is a good one.

5

Maybe you can talk to him privately and tell him to cease this behaviour and why. Do it nicely and tell him you’re sorry about his reverses, but your work is important and he needs to clean up his act. For himself and the board.

6

If no one is in charge of the meeting who is willing to shut off the behavior, then you are in charge of the meeting, and can shut off the behavior.

Practice saying “we’re done with that, let’s move on to X” and then move on to X. If he interrupts, repeat the same words in the same tone. Repeat as often as necessary. If he interrupts fifty times, repeat fifty one times. Do not refer in any way to irrelevancies, do not offer sympathy in public, don’t try to reason with him. Since he was able to stay on point in one meeting, he can stay on point again.

Don’t get angry, don’t respond to what he says - “We are done with that, let’s move on to X”. And then move on to X. If he tries to talk about something unrelated to X, you hold up one hand but without making eye contact with him and continue to talk about X.

Don’t be angry, don’t be nice. “Let’s move on to X”. If someone else tries to tell him how he is disrupting the meeting, repeat “Let’s move on to X” and move on to X. If someone tries to talk about anything other than X, repeat “Let’s move on to X” and move on to X.

Regards,
Shodan

7

Thank you all for good advice. I have to ponder a bit about which approach to use, or some combination of them. For anyone else reading this thread, please contribute any thoughts you may have.

For those who advocate communicating with him directly, does it make any difference that, so far, he refuses to acknowledge that he is not behaving properly? As I said, I have no experience dealing with substance abuse (if that’s what it is), but it seems like he is unaware that anything is wrong or that anyone is displeased.

8

I don’t think it’s important he acknowledge anything, to be honest. You’re contacting him solely to explain your upcoming behaviour. You can easily make your text all, “Its not you, it’s my issue with this style of interaction.”, or whatever.

I wouldn’t mention your intentions to anyone else, just the two, problem boy and whomever should be managing him.

Then follow through, leave the group when he starts up again. And DO NOT return until someone gives you assurances this has been managed. When pressed to return, make your apologies saying, ‘Sorry, I have been clear, I can’t handle him like this. Find someone else, it’s just not for me!’ Stick to it!

You have got to be more valuable than this guy. They clearly aren’t going to do anything about him until they have to. Your continued participation could be thing that tips them to act.

Good Luck.

9

I think maybe Shodan has the best solution. If it’s really the case that there is no leadership able or willing to take control then you can do it, and if you truly stick to the point and don’t get sidetracked I think you will find others willing to do the same thing. Whatever his problem is, is irrelevant; getting past it is the issue for you and the others.

10

Shodan’s advice is good. I would add one additional piece, if you can. Reach out to the others and lay out the plan, so that everyone is on the same page. Refusing to engage with him other than to stay on topic will not work if even one person gets pulled into the drama. It may be that you all decide to ask him to leave until such time as he can rein himself in.

11

What exactly makes you think it’s substance abuse? Is he loud and obnoxious? Do you smell liquor? Is he slurring and stumbling?
That alone should be grounds for dismissal. You guys maybe need to have a meeting without him and discuss how to proceed.
Good luck.

12

Another vote for the approach Shodan mentioned. Passive-aggressive is never the way to handle an issue.

13

Sudden and fairly extreme change in personality and behavior, including verbal rambling and excessive argumentativeness. I have not been close enough to smell alcohol, but his face has been rather red. He also seems much more energetic than usual, at least verbally.

I am not drawing conclusions at this point, especially about the substance that might be involved, just wondering if a substance might be the immediate cause (fueled by his emotional distress). I’m not sure if it matters, it might make it either easier or more difficult for him to control if he decides he wants to.

Which approach are you suggesting is passive-aggressive? Elbows’?

There are complications with Shodan’s approach. We have a large meeting of all members once a week, and there is a chair for that meeting. She seems to have suddenly grown timid, but I can’t just take over for her, there would be widespread protest and lack of support for that action. Her position is actually appointed by the court. The upset person and I are on 2 of the same subcommittees, one of which I chair, and he is the chair of the other. It is this second one that meets again this afternoon.

So this is what I am thinking of doing as of this moment. I will go to the meeting and observe his behavior. If he is bad enough, then I will ask to talk to him separately in another room, and tell him that I can’t sit with his behavior and will have to leave if he can’t control himself, and then act accordingly based on what he does next. This may not be perfect, but it beats what was going through my mind last night.

Thanks, all, for your help.

14

Any approach that does not directly address the real issue.

That is, IMHO, the exact right thing to do.

15

I don’t see, directly communicating your concerns, ‘I can’t work with this situation. All I can see to do, is exit when it occurs. So that’s what I intend to do.’, to both problem boy and whomever should be managing him, as passive aggressive.

It’s honest, that IS how the OP is feeling. Direct, you’ve communicated it directly to the ONLY two people who should be involved. Mature, as you’re not looking to tell anyone else what they should or ought to do. Only informing them of YOUR issue and how YOU intend to address it, (as no one else is managing it.)

Passive aggressive would be plotting a revolt with the others without bothering to directly communicate with either problem boy or negligent manager. Thereby turning people against problem boy and blindsiding the manager.

The ‘it’s my issue’, is just delicacy for the benefit of problem boy who is experiencing on going problems and probably doesn’t need more grief. This way he can choose to act, and reform his behaviour, or not, but he knows now it could become an issue for management if you get up and leave the team.

Best case scenario is problem boy understands if you leave the team, due to his behaviour, things will likely escalate. He can choose that, or he can choose to dial it back. If he chooses to avoid escalation, and reforms, then you have achieved your goal without dragging in reticent management, or mixing it up with problem boy. That seems a win to me. YMMV.

It was just a suggestion, of course. But I’m not seeing being direct, with the two people actually involved, with your honest concerns and feelings, as being passive aggressive.

16

For the record, I did not call out any answer here as being passive aggressive. I only stated that direct is always better.

17

OK, sorry Elbows and Doctor Jackson, I didn’t mean to stir up anything, I shouldn’t have mentioned a specific post.

So for those still watching, here’s what happened.

In last night’s meeting of which he was the chair, he was pretty much his old, relatively rational self. In tonight’s meeting, of which I was the chair, he started acting out again, so I just stopped him, I had to keep at him for a few minutes before he would wind down and stop talking. Since I had the authority at that meeting I was forceful and it seemed to work; also another member helped to keep him from starting up again, squeezing him on the shoulder and sort of talking over his attempts to interrupt (that may not sound too great, you sort of had to be there to appreciate it). So we got through this meeting but by the end I was exhausted.

This on-again-off-again change in behavior persuades me even more strongly that this is a substance issue.

18

Sorry you are having this problem with a co-worker. Your meeting or not, if someone’s behavior isn’t productive to the work environment then talk to their supervisor and let them deal with it. Your speculation of abusing some substance is not for you to do. All you can do is speak to management about it and let them deal with it. I’ve done this with the help of a co-worker who felt the same way and the employee ended up leaving the company. What was their problem? Not for me to determine or fix, that is what management is there to do. You are only responsible for the work getting done and if you see something that is in your way and this person isn’t a direct report of yours, you need to tell their supervisor.

If after you tell management nothing happens, then look for another job because that tells you that you have horrible management that would knowing allow a person that is disruptive to continue there without their intervention.

19

Sounds like you handled it pretty well, good job!

(Keep it up and you could land in management! You’ve been warned!:D)

20

Agree - nicely done Roderick Femm!