This may sound a little weird. But I’m seeking advice about losing and giving up on dreams. I’m involved in a dance community called west coast swing. I fell in love with the dance style 4ish years ago. I have practiced, done workshops, taken private lessons, and essentially traveled across North America on dance holidays. I’ve cross trained in other dance styles, become so much more fit, as this dance inspired me to improve it. I eventually trained for a full marathon, did well, and then completed a yoga training. This dance inspired me to change my life. And all those things are wonderful.
Yet, despite all my work I lose every competition. I feel like it’s time to give up. The best comparison I can give is to figure skating. There is judging drama, and all sorts of things to make me feel like I’m not treated well. When I run and get a better time, I know all my work paid off. Same for lifting weights now, or doing yoga. But this dance thing continually breaks my spirits. Probably cause I love it so much. I was originally a musician and the idea of a music sport used to light me up. Now I feel it’s hurting me.
Is it ok to give up on a dream? I feel sad. I’d love to be amazing at this, and I put in the work, but maybe it’s just no for me. Do other athletes have thoughts on this? I need help on where to go next.
I am not an athlete but isn’t the judging at a dance competition somewhat subjective. Also you are only 50% responsible. How about a new partner?
It doesn’t sound weird your enthusiasm for your passion is exciting.
Out of curiosity, is it mostly the same judges/circuit/competitors, or are you losing in lots of different locations? Sometimes a change of venue can feel like a fresh start.
You know how to stop losing? Stop competing. There are all kinds of things you can do for personal fulfillment that can be done competitively or purely for pleasure. Accept that like most people, you’re not the best at whatever you love to do and enjoy it anyway.
There have been several things I’ve done in competition, and still do, where I never will win championships; I just bloody well LOVE doing them. I am not at the bottom of the ladder - well, at least rarely. But I have a life and other things that always did, and always will, separate me from the top rungs. So I get the fun, accept what I can learn from the competitive side, and just glory in being part of it all.
For the past few years, I’ve devoted a lot of my time to learning Javanese gamelan (a rather esoteric musical endeavor, to say the least). It is very clear to me that I will NEVER be a star player/performer; I simply don’t have the musical talent needed.
But I love it! And as an intermediate level player, I’m fine - good enough and knowledgeable enough to teach beginners, smart enough to know what questions I should be asking when I play with musicians superior to me. Instead of getting depressed about the heights I will never reach, I focus on how much fun I’m having and how I can share my enthusiasm with others.
I don’t spend my time bemoaning my lack of talent, but I do make sure to be humble around good players - they are always kind and helpful, probably in part because they know I’m not an arrogant prick suffering from the Dunning-Kreuger effect.
Anyway, this attitude serves me well. Would I like to have more musical talent? Damn straight I would. Am I going to let the fact I don’t prevent me from having a very fulfilling activity that adds meaning to my life? No way.
I don’t know if you can apply this kind of attitude to what you are doing, but if you can, I promise you, it’s great for mental health and enjoyment of your chosen activity.
Can you take classes and perform without competing? Can you do the parts that are fun without the part that is stressful and causing you to lose the joy that you used to feel in dance? It’s something to consider.
This dancing, is it anything like this? (I like how when they are all dancing at the end, they have all changed partners. How do they do that?)
You could certainly continue dancing, even competitively, and the only dream you would have to give up is the dream of winning. It looks like the folks in the video are just having a hell of a good time, and just incidentally competing for a prize.
In addition to the other suggestions you didn’t ask for, I wonder about your choreography. It looks like deciding what steps to do is as important as how the steps are executed.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is, do you enjoy the dancing, without competition? Do you enjoy the competition even if you don’t win? (apparently not now, but could you?) If not winning is overshadowing the joy you get out of the performance, then my guess is that you would be happier not competing, and the sadness of giving up will then eventually fade. But I think a level of maturity is reached when you can stop caring whether or not you win. It’s akin to not caring what other people think of your efforts - if you’re being your best, to hell with the rest.
It’s my impression that competitive dancers who win have been dancing for years, decades even, some since they were children. You said you’ve been dancing for 4 years. Look at the dance competitions as a learning experience and environment, sort of like an ojt experience. You do your best, but watch those around you and try to figure out what they do (for dancing, I have no idea what it would be) and learn what it is that puts them at the top and eventually you will get there too. Also, yeah, it’s a hard thing to do, especially if you are a competitive person (and you sound like you are in this instance) to give up on something. That alone can be a very deeply personal, and in a weird way liberating, learning experience.
Thank you. I did not grow up with a competitive mindset. I mean i did a little bit of competitive stuff but I always retreated away from it. Because I always felt maybe not good enough internally and just felt like “why try”…as I got older I moved into activities that are only for the most part about “personal bests”. Running, music, yoga, etc. Now I’m in something competitive…it’s probably an area I’m something of a mental-infant in: Handling competitive defeat in an area I care about. I have felt particularly in the last year as I’ve developed my fitness and hit new personal bests, a competitive side is coming out in me. But when I lose I don’t know how to handle it well or process it. I’m looking for advice in that regard. I’m still so introverted and feel like sharing how I feel is just a burden I don’t want to put on others. I went to the gym yesterday afterwards, that was a good thing. I’ll go again soon (as I failed again.)
The other part of this though is that I wonder if I really need to re-evaluate my personal investment in this activity / goals with this activity. I mean for 4 years it was clear, but everything goes in cycles. I probably should find a way to keep enjoying it, growing, but chillax about everything.
Others have touched on this: don’t compete. Just dance for your enjoyment.
But if you feel the competition is required to keep you motivated to keep working/practicing, then here’s a different way to think about it. I’m guessing you receive some kind of point score (maybe a sum or average from the judges ?) when you compete. Though there is some subjective aspect to it, use those scores to compare how you did at the last competition. That is, focus on only competing with yourself.
Not sure if this applies, but I am a rock climber. And the concept of competitive climbing has always perplexed me. People are so different, so it seems like too much of an “apples to oranges” comparison to compete. But I do strive to accomplish climbs. And have worked climbs/problems for a long time before finally putting the whole climb together. The “scoring” is easy: you either completed it (clean) or not. But it matters little who else can or cannot also do that climb (if they can do it, I am sometimes interested in how they do it, but that’s about all).
Anyway, the point is that I get plenty of motivation just competing with myself - striving to accomplish something I previously hadn’t been able to do.
I’m going to suggest something a bit different - continue to compete but dance only for yourself, not the judges, not the spectators, just you (and your partner/team if applicable).
Also, instead of making your goal to “win the competition”, set it along the lines of “make 3 fewer mistakes than last time I danced this routine” or “be fundamentally sound in all aspects of the performance” or even “Dance this routine the best I have ever done”. You can’t win every competition. You may never win one. Setting goals that you can achieve, but require total effort, could well make it rewarding again.
