Need some help on torturing my supervisor (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have a nosy supervisor at work who has made my life very difficult over the past couple of years. In fact there came a point this past summer when I was on the verge of getting the axe for my chronic failure to complete work on time. That it was due to my having an unfairly large share of the daily workload – I was working until 7 or later every night while she put in 6 hour days – was an argument I was unable to use in my defense, seeing as how “Marie” is the daughter of the couple who owns the company. In my conferences with HR, it became abundantly clear that her mom and dad had very little idea of what I did during the day, and that all of their complaints came straight from guess-who. These charges were mostly a) finger-pointing for mistakes arising from flawed procedures that, despite my efforts, had never been amended due to her extreme distaste for change; b) ludicrous misinterpretations of issues Marie did not even begin to understand; and c) the petty nitpicking of a born micromanager.

Somehow I managed to convince the owners to shift my duties away from customer service and into more of a technical writer / database manager role, and now I seem to be flourishing. I walk in the door at 8:00, leave my office only to go to the bathroom or to fetch a snack, and depart at 5:00, usually spending no more than 30 seconds in Marie’s immediate presence. Bliss. Let me make this clear, though – she’s not an evil person, and despite what I’ve gone through, I don’t hate her guts. I don’t believe she’s out to get me, and it seems to me that my recent crisis resulted more from her griping on a day-to-day basis with her parents than from any deliberate campaign. In fact, the day I got my final “shape up or ship out” ultimatum, she had the good grace to come by my office and, with a droopy eyed countenance that screamed guilt and self-loathing, give me a hug and offer to help me out in any way she could. Uh-huh.

Here’s the twist. For the first time since my marriage ended five years back, I’ve got a new S.O. in my life. I’m not the “dating” type, so this is really a big deal for me. “Bridget” is whip-smart, wickedly funny, a talented thespian (a triple threat, even!), a feast for the eyes, and has a beautiful, gentle soul. What is more (and just when I thought it couldn’t get any better), she and my 8-year-old daughter adore one another. For weeks before we became an “official” item, Kizarvexilla kept whispering “Daddy, I’m seeing a couple here.”

Now then. Coming as it does on the heels of this employment crisis, I have opted to be very closed-lipped about this new relationship at work. Marie and her parents are fully aware of my status as a single father – they own the daycare center that Kizarvexilla goes to every day, and their consciousness of this circumstance (read: “pity”) was probably the only thing that kept them from firing me. I lead a fairly dull, if eccentric, life, and have always been pretty frank about it. Moreover, there has never been anything between Marie and myself, nor will there ever be. Suddenly, however, I find that I’m jealous of my new-found happiness and don’t want to share it with Marie. Somehow, the idea of concealing from her the extent to which I am enjoying my life fills me with a subversive glee. When I expressed this opinion to Bridget, the same delicious smile spread over her face. Thus we become co-conspirators.

This is where it gets fun. As I mentioned, Marie is a micromanager, and like all micromanagers, she is insanely curious about what other people around her are doing. So now, out of the blue, Bridget starts coming by my office at lunchtime once or twice a week. At first, she had to be admitted by the receptionist up front. Having been identified, though, as a “friend” of mine, she can just walk in now. She doesn’t stay any more than five minutes, but we close my office door while she’s here. Hmmmm.

That’s been the entirety of my plan so far. I know that it’s working, though. The one co-worker whom I do trust informed me this morning that Marie is making the rounds, asking everyone about my visitor. Being an incorrigible gossip, I know she’s not going to let this go until she learns more.

Here is where I need some help. I do not have a mischievous mind. I am not at all skilled in the art of verbal deception. But the time will come soon when Marie will be overcome with curiosity and start asking me questions. How do I keep her squirming? Any suggestions?

2

One, but not what you want to hear.

Let it go.

3

You are in a terrific place in life. You’re happy with your job, your daughter, and now you have a terrific girlfriend. Don’t jeopardize all this to play a prank on your supervisor. I know, I know… everything’s going so well for you, it’s tempting to push your luck. But there really isn’t a win here if you think about it - making your super look bad will only make her angry and more difficult to deal with.

That said, you are under no obligation to share anything about your personal life with your supervisor. When she asks about your girlfriend, tell her she’s a personal friend of yours, and you don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss more than that at work.

4

In general, life goes better when you don’t go out of your way to act like an asshole. Mine does, anyway.

5

Take some advice from an old man. Keep your work life and your personal life separate. You’ll be much happier in the long run.

By letting your supervisor occupy your thoughts this much, you’re giving her a power over your life that is not necessary and detracts your mind from what sounds like a wonderful woman.

6

The angel zebra says–I don’t see a good reason to prank her.

The Devil zebra says–On her visits, have Bridget bring in a package and leave counting money. Or have her come in without a package and leave with one.

That should make her really curious.

While Bridget is in your office with the door closed, do a little chanting in Latin.

7

And that may be the best prank of all. It’s completely professional, and denies Marie the very thing she craves. You’re already doing the right thing.

8

Sorry I can’t add anything other than what has been offered above. You work for a small family owned entity, and even had your kid in daycare they run. They have WAY too much potential to fuck with so much that is important to you.

I don’t know about Texas, but IL is an “employment at will” state. In other words, your boss can simply can your ass at any time - so long as it is not for an improper (discriminatory) reason. My paycheck is too important to me to fuck with it just for laughs.

You are leading a good life. That - in my book - is the best laugh/victory!

9

Hack her to death with a kitchen knife.

10

Silly, *then *she’d *stop *squirming.

11

I like the chanting in Latin idea. Very cute.

Don’t misunderstand me here. I appreciate the warnings and the cautions. But I’m not trying to “prank” my supervisor. Nor do I have the desire to act like an asshole. I’m just enjoying the experience of denying her a piece of information that she’s very eager to learn, and to which she has no right in the first place.

I know that Marie will find out eventually. We’re a small, family-run company with a laid-back Austin atmosphere. The line between personal and professional lives is often blurry. And once she knows – well, it’s no big deal. I’m just trying to maximize the suspense.

12

Now you need another female friend to start visiting you, but never on the same days.

In a couple of weeks, you’ll need another…

13

Keep asking people “Does it smell like sex in my office?”

14

That’s EVIL. I love it.

15

Each day as your friend leaves, she should be flossing. Of course it makes no real sense, but people will make up all kinds of shit trying to interpret it.

Or, each day, she should change her skirt or pants before leaving. It doesn’t even have to be done in your office – she could just go into a restroom and change before walking out.

Or, walk in with one towel draped over her arm, and leave with one of a different color. Just get two towels and have her swap daily.

16

Visitor? What visitor?

17

Keeping the door closed is good.

I personally love the leaving counting the money idea…

Perhaps making sure she always leaves with a manila envelope.

Have someone call claiming to be a private investigator and asking if she knows more about your new mystery woman.

If she leaves while Micromanager is in earshot have her make comments like “Don’t forget, the mission hinges on your success, make that drop”

18

Have her leave your room everyday in a vastly different mood. Each time she gets buzzed in, she’s in one mood, then after the 5 minutes, she’s completely different. Comes in almost crying, skips out the door. If she’s singing to the receptionist, then she leaves angry as hell. Once or twice, have her stumble out into the reception areas, sit down blankly in a chair and for a couple of minutes and then leave without saying anything.

19

Must say “TOP SECRET” in bold letters.

20

Then somehow accidentally drop it in front of micromanager (perhaps carrying several items and letting it slide…)

Perhaps one of our more TS oriented dopers could give us a copy of the proper verbage to apply to the outside of the envelope like:

Enclosed documents have been determined to be Top Secret and only to be viewed by authorized personell, pursuant to Title 9, section 426 CFR section 1969. Disclosure to unauthorized personell punishable by life imprisonment, daily goat felching, and permanent republican party voter registration…blah blah blah

Have a nice day
J. Michael “Mike” McConnell
Director of National Intelligence